Just like bad gas -

- it keeps coming back. Negative feelings that is. Of course, at least it is not full-on depression, and that is a blessing. Today, I did find myself in a bad mood however - and as a direct result of not following through with what I said I would (or, more appropriately, would not) do : I opened my piehole at a standards meeting, and was immediately shot down, as usual. You think I would learn, right? You think I would simply avoid the possibility of being shot down by just shutting my fucking mouth. But NO, I just have this compulsion to have my voice heard, no matter how insignificant the point.

And that, I think, is the root of my trouble - that I just want to hear myself talk to think I am important, because I know that whatever I say is not going to matter. I have not worked here that long, and unlike Adam, I don't appear to have that 'blazing IT intellect,' and I just don't feel that anyone really thinks I know anything worth listening to. Of course, I am sure it is not as bad as I make it out to be, but I sure end up thinking those thoughts more often than not during and after meetings.

Now, one might say, "But it's not good to just sit there quietly out of fear of being rejected/shot down." But why isn't it? If there is one thing I have learned more than anything in the corporate world, it is that even though they ask, most people don't really want other people's opinions. They already have their own idea of how something should be, or what is the "right way," and offering another opinion is seen as a challenge to their authority instead of an opportunity to exchange ideas. Of course, maybe it is me, and the way I present my thoughts. In any case, I am tired of changing jobs, and even though I said it before but failed to live up to it, this time, I am making a commitment to saying NOTHING at any of the meetings on the future - NOTHING! (TRIPPY - just as I wrote that word, James Hetfield spoke "Nothing," towards the end of 'King Nothing' on 98KUPD! Trip!) I think I have absolutely nothing to lose (nothing has ever come of any comment I have ever made at any meeting here), and a whole lot of serenity and peace to gain.

So, along with getting in shape, that is my new 'mental commitment' - to simply keep my mouth shut during meetings, unless asked something explicitly, at which point, I will try my best to simply say to the person asking, "I don't know - what do you think?" BAM! Off the hook, and no way to be shot down (at least none that I can see). I need to - I MUST - adhere to this commitment. It will be a good learning experience too - there is much to be learned from silence Here is my new motto, from the Bible of all places :

Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding - Proverbs 17:28

'Nuff said.