Not dealing

Last night I met Sam and picked Tessi up after she spent the last 5 days with her mom. I guess I had some expectation that she would be happy to see me, especially after she had called me Friday morning crying, saying that she had a dream that I had a stroke, and it scared her. She even sent me a really touching text about loving me Saturday night. So in my mind, I figured this would mean she would be happy to see me Sunday night. And maybe that's why I took it so hard when she didn't seem happy to see me at all, and was actually quite sad. I asked her if she had a good time at her mom's, to which she replied "yeah." I asked her if she was ok, to which she replied "yeah." Basically, the old silent treatment.

And I did not handle it well at all. I know that, as an adult, and as her parent, I need to be loving, understanding, and supportive and rise above the petty emotionalism and childishness of taking it personal. But I am having a hard time doing that. I told her that it seems like she is not happy to see me at all, and she said that the transfer part is hard for her. I asked her is she was that way towards her mom when she went to stay with her, and she said she was (which of course, I didn't believe). I then went on to say that maybe she wants to live with her mom, and that she should ask her mom if she can live with her for awhile. Of course, I'm sure none of this is the right stuff to say, and I am disappointed in myself for not being a stronger, more balanced and loving person/parent. Hence, I made a call to Diana this morning and will be going in to see her tomorrow afternoon instead of Thursday.

I sometimes feel like no matter what happens, there is no winning in this situation. Of course the kids (or at least Tessi) are going to gush over their mom, whom they haven't hardly seen over the last 6 years. Of course it is going to be hard on Tessi to go there and spend time with her mom and Kenny, who have very different views on several things, and then come back to me - especially now that Galen is staying over there. And of course I need to find a way to deal with all of this in a way that does not cause more pain or damage to Tessi, or myself.

It has always been a double-edged sword, the proposition of having the kids spend time with Sam. On the one hand, it is great because the kids get to see her, and build a relationship with her, something that is good for them. And I get to spend some time without the kids, relaxing and doing some fun things for myself. But then there is the other side of it, some of the effects of which I have mentioned above. And then there is the fear that she won't stay in their lives, causing them even more pain and sadness when she bails again. Ugh. I really just don't know how to deal with all of this.

My fear is that the kids really would rather live with her, and that all I have done over the past 6 years for them is for naught. It probably brings up some of the old abandonment issues I have struggled with, and also some anger that she could totally blow them off for 6 years (not even a birthday card for either of them in all that time) while I did all the heavy lifting, and now she waltzes in and assumes the role of "super mom," as if she never skipped a beat. And the kids seem to give her unconditional forgiveness, as if she had been there all the time. Now I am the "bad" parent, I am the "meanie." Tessi has used that phrase a lot lately - that if I did so-and-so, I would be 'mean.'

I know this is all part of it - part of being a divorced parent, part of having kids, part of life. I only hope that I can learn to process this all better, for my sake, and for the kids....