Last night I had a session with Diana, and it provided me with some much needed time to reprogram my self-talk, destress, and get back on some kind of positive track. When I got to her office at 7:50pm, I was a total mess. Just before I left home, Galen had snuck out and left a message saying he would be back to watch Tess. I got extremely upset, thinking that he had left to intentionally stress me out. And of course, I have already been majorly stressed out from his behavior and poor attendance/performance at school. Adding to my frustration was the fact that I had gone into work early so I could leave early and take him to his first counselling appt (which went very well, btw). So there was a thought (almost said feeling - getting back to the ABC's - more about that in a minute) of "I go out of my way to take him to his appt, but he can't stick around to watch Tessi for mine". Of course, anger followed that thought.
And that, right there, is the root of the issues I am facing, and indeed, the root of most of my anger, depression and misery : the thoughts I have, the stories I tell myself about situations, and the resulting feelings that those thoughts generate. Some time ago in my work with Diana, I did some work with the ABC's of emotions - work that was specifically targeted to address this very issue - jumping to an emotional response without even 'seeing', or being aware of the thoughts I was having/stories I was telling myself about the event(s).
So last night, Diana encouraged me to start doing my ABC's again, and I am going to do just that. She has caught me several times lately, and I have caught myself, saying "I feel like I am not appreciated, I feel like no one cares, I feel.....", when in reality, the truth is "I think that I am not appreciated, I think that no one cares," and those thoughts then create emotions. I have been falling back into my old behavior of just mislabelling thoughts as emotions and skipping the critical link between them. And that is where I can actually take some action to counteract the negative emotions - by looking at those thoughts/stories, and determining whether or not they are true/rational, and then, if they are irrational, replacing them with rational ones : rational emotive behavioral therapy at it's finest.
And so I am breaking out my ABC worksheets and going to get back to it tonight. Honestly, part of me really doesn't want to - just seems like more 'work' to do. Then again, another part of me is somewhat fascinated with the science of it all, and interested to "experiment" on myself to see what happens. I am definitely a challenging case if ever there was one. And though I get extremely depressed at times, and just want to give up, to throw in the towel, or worse yet, to just die - I always seem to come to the surface again to take another gasp of air and keep swimming. And as long as that keeps happening, I will keep trying to do something to stop the cycle of self abuse. That is what I am calling it now, because at this point, there is no one abusing me - no one outside of myself. It is the 'internal abuser' I need to focus on healing and reprogramming, and so that is what I am doing. I have to keep trying - what else is there?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Can't focus
Ugh. I am trying to focus at work, and was doing fine until Galen started calling. First, he wanted to know how long his phone would be turned off. So I had to (didn't have to - I need to remember that) go into the whole lecture about privileges vs rights again and told him that when he decides to start going to class -and passing - again, I will decide to start paying the bill again. Then he calls again and asks me for how long he is grounded from the computer. Then he calls again and asks me if he can go to the central library - that there is someone there he wants to say "hi" to. This is like 2 hourse before I am supposed to pick him up. I told him no, and he started arguing with me about it. Joy joy.
I swear, sometimes I don't know know how, or even if, I am going to make it through this. I keep thinking, like Lloyd Bridges in Airplane, I picked a bad time in life to quit getting high. I mean, I'm sure smoking a big ol' fatty would take the edge right off for me. But of course with me, one thing always leads to another. And in this case, I would be tweaking again in no time. And that is not really someplace I want to go again. I think that was even more miserable than this. And I can't IMAGINE trying to do this subhuman.
Dear God, please just help me to make it through this day without losing my job, my mind, my cool or my samity. Amen.
I swear, sometimes I don't know know how, or even if, I am going to make it through this. I keep thinking, like Lloyd Bridges in Airplane, I picked a bad time in life to quit getting high. I mean, I'm sure smoking a big ol' fatty would take the edge right off for me. But of course with me, one thing always leads to another. And in this case, I would be tweaking again in no time. And that is not really someplace I want to go again. I think that was even more miserable than this. And I can't IMAGINE trying to do this subhuman.
Dear God, please just help me to make it through this day without losing my job, my mind, my cool or my samity. Amen.
Surviving
That is the way to describe the weekend - I survived it. I was sick most of the weekend, still feeling like crap. I was able to pretty much lay around all day Saturday, which was nice - I needed it. Sunday morning I woke up, and Galen had left a bit of a mess in the living room and left the computer desk totally trashed. He basically spent all day Saturday on the computer, and it showed. So I decided to lock him out of the computer again - to ground him from it for a while. And, as is typical, he was asking me yesterday afternoon already if he could get on for a few to "check something." I said no, and when he asked me when he would be able to get back on again, I said whenever I decided.
I also took the opportunity to tell him, while Tessi wasn't there (she spent the night at Carrie's) that although I would "pretend" to be all nicey-nice when Tess was around, I wasn't going to do so when she wasn't. I explained to him (AGAIN) that in our society, people have to work to get paid, and that for him, his 'work' was to go to school and to pass his classes. And since he didn't choose to do either because he didn't "feel like it," then he would not earn any 'pay' - pay in this case baing computer time.
And he will be losing other pay too. I told him originally I was going to let him keep his phone because it was helpful to me to be able to get ahold of him. Then Sunday morning, I get a call from Tessi wondering what was wrong with Galen. She was worried about him, as he had texted Sam telling her there was some "life and death" situation. I told Tessi that he was fine, he was laying in bed. So later, I asked Galen what the life and death situation that he texted his mom about was, and he said his friend was having trouble with his girlfriend. Yeah. So Sam is all worried, and Tessi is all worried - for what? Well, that basically swayed my decision to letting his cellphone service get cancelled. Seems there is more negative that comes from it than positive.
Another change I put in place was that he is going to start doing his own laundry. Having someone do your laundry for you is a privilege, and I am not going to provide that service as a privilege to someone who is not only not doing their job (going to school), but doing NOTHING at all. He can wash his own clothes. He thinks Derek's dad Paul is so cool, and is always telling me what Paul says about stuff - well, now he can live by some of "Paul's wisdom" and wash his own clothes like Derek does. I am doing nothing for this kid anymore above and beyond the bare minimum of what I need to. I also told him to not bug Tessi for money or for the password to the computer.
Is all this the right stuff to do? Who the hell knows. I know that it is miserable having to live with him, and to be tough all the time. It is like all the joy in my life (what little true joy there was) has just been sucked out of me. And now, I am left as depressed as I have ever been. Well, ok - not quite as bad : I am not as suicidal as I was last year at this time. And I am actually feeling a little better today. I made a counselling appt for him today at 3pm (yet another attempt to do something to help with this shit) and I have one with Diana tonight at 8pm. So hopefully I will get back on an upward trend again.
One thing I have figured out though : it is best for anyone that they are not involved with me right now. In fact, I think it will be a long time, if ever, that I can actually be involved with anyone again. I realize now that my desire to be in a relationship with someone is purely selfish, because I have nothing to give. I want someone to support me emotionally, to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. But I have nothing to offer them - nothing but a bunch of dark thoughts and self-pity. It is something I have known for a long time, but just haven't wanted to admit to myself because I can't stand the thought of it, and really don't like being alone as far as an intimate relationship goes and going without the physical affection (hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggling) that I so crave.
But the truth is the truth, and I have to learn to live with it - just like the stuff with Galen, my mom, my depression - it is what it is, and I have to live with it. Or maybe, as it has been lately, at least survive.
I also took the opportunity to tell him, while Tessi wasn't there (she spent the night at Carrie's) that although I would "pretend" to be all nicey-nice when Tess was around, I wasn't going to do so when she wasn't. I explained to him (AGAIN) that in our society, people have to work to get paid, and that for him, his 'work' was to go to school and to pass his classes. And since he didn't choose to do either because he didn't "feel like it," then he would not earn any 'pay' - pay in this case baing computer time.
And he will be losing other pay too. I told him originally I was going to let him keep his phone because it was helpful to me to be able to get ahold of him. Then Sunday morning, I get a call from Tessi wondering what was wrong with Galen. She was worried about him, as he had texted Sam telling her there was some "life and death" situation. I told Tessi that he was fine, he was laying in bed. So later, I asked Galen what the life and death situation that he texted his mom about was, and he said his friend was having trouble with his girlfriend. Yeah. So Sam is all worried, and Tessi is all worried - for what? Well, that basically swayed my decision to letting his cellphone service get cancelled. Seems there is more negative that comes from it than positive.
Another change I put in place was that he is going to start doing his own laundry. Having someone do your laundry for you is a privilege, and I am not going to provide that service as a privilege to someone who is not only not doing their job (going to school), but doing NOTHING at all. He can wash his own clothes. He thinks Derek's dad Paul is so cool, and is always telling me what Paul says about stuff - well, now he can live by some of "Paul's wisdom" and wash his own clothes like Derek does. I am doing nothing for this kid anymore above and beyond the bare minimum of what I need to. I also told him to not bug Tessi for money or for the password to the computer.
Is all this the right stuff to do? Who the hell knows. I know that it is miserable having to live with him, and to be tough all the time. It is like all the joy in my life (what little true joy there was) has just been sucked out of me. And now, I am left as depressed as I have ever been. Well, ok - not quite as bad : I am not as suicidal as I was last year at this time. And I am actually feeling a little better today. I made a counselling appt for him today at 3pm (yet another attempt to do something to help with this shit) and I have one with Diana tonight at 8pm. So hopefully I will get back on an upward trend again.
One thing I have figured out though : it is best for anyone that they are not involved with me right now. In fact, I think it will be a long time, if ever, that I can actually be involved with anyone again. I realize now that my desire to be in a relationship with someone is purely selfish, because I have nothing to give. I want someone to support me emotionally, to comfort me and hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. But I have nothing to offer them - nothing but a bunch of dark thoughts and self-pity. It is something I have known for a long time, but just haven't wanted to admit to myself because I can't stand the thought of it, and really don't like being alone as far as an intimate relationship goes and going without the physical affection (hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggling) that I so crave.
But the truth is the truth, and I have to learn to live with it - just like the stuff with Galen, my mom, my depression - it is what it is, and I have to live with it. Or maybe, as it has been lately, at least survive.
Friday, October 1, 2010
depression
So here is what I sent to Ty today (and Diana) - spreadin' that joy around :
I am feeling like crap again/still today. On top of it, I am really depressed. I keep trying to tell myself all that "you're a good dad", "this doesn't have anything to do with you", "you have a lot to be grateful for" happy horseshit - but in the end, all I can really hear is the voice of my mom in my head telling me "you've been too easy on him," "you should have put him in sports," "you should have....." "I knew this was going to happen, tried to tell you.... blah blah blah" I try to counteract the voice, but it just keeps pounding on me, and I get tired. So I just let it roll. And roll it does, just like my mom was standing right there, criticizing me, condemning me, belittling me. Top of it off with my own internal abuser, and you have a recipe for self-hatred and deprecation like no other.
I have had no good role models for single parenting really. Most everyone I know has/had a mom and a dad, or a mom and a stepdad, or some shit. All I learned about single parenting from my mom was that it drives you fucking insane, and going out to the bars and getting smashed, or getting involved with some man are some great ways to deal with the stress. And the more I struggle with this, the more I hear shit coming out of mym out that sounds just like my psychotic fucking mom. 7 years of recovery, inumerable counselling sessions, dozens of self-help books, countless hours in meditation, an exercise regimen to help with my fitness and mood, and even anti depressants can't seem to change what I truly am - just a fucking clone of a spiteful, psychotic, unloving hypercritical woman. The only difference - and the real kicker, the real fucked up part of it - is that she didn't have all the help that I do/did. One can only imagine how messed up I would be if I didn't get all the help I did. I probably wouldn't be here. And maybe that would be best.
I'm really sorry to lay all this on you - it's just how I am feeling. I hate myself, I hate this life, I hate being a parent, I hate the fact that I am single and given how fucked up I am probably always will be. I hate being alive today. The best thing I have in my life is one great daughter, and some great friends that I don't deserve.Thanks for being one of them.
-------------------------
I swear, I really just want to lay down and die today. I would feel really bad for Tessi, I really would. I know she would really miss me. Galen, on the other hand, would probably be glad to be rid of me for awhile. Oh sure, over time I bet he would miss me. But he seems to be doing a great job of throwing his life away on his own, and he doesn't need me to help with that. Then he could REALLY have a reason to be a little "emo", a bad boy with a troubled past and tragedies that haun him.
Man, my left shoulder is KILLING me - maybe I have cancer...? I could be so lucky. That sounds terrible, doesn't it? Well, I am terrible fucking person, so who gives a shit.
I am feeling like crap again/still today. On top of it, I am really depressed. I keep trying to tell myself all that "you're a good dad", "this doesn't have anything to do with you", "you have a lot to be grateful for" happy horseshit - but in the end, all I can really hear is the voice of my mom in my head telling me "you've been too easy on him," "you should have put him in sports," "you should have....." "I knew this was going to happen, tried to tell you.... blah blah blah" I try to counteract the voice, but it just keeps pounding on me, and I get tired. So I just let it roll. And roll it does, just like my mom was standing right there, criticizing me, condemning me, belittling me. Top of it off with my own internal abuser, and you have a recipe for self-hatred and deprecation like no other.
I have had no good role models for single parenting really. Most everyone I know has/had a mom and a dad, or a mom and a stepdad, or some shit. All I learned about single parenting from my mom was that it drives you fucking insane, and going out to the bars and getting smashed, or getting involved with some man are some great ways to deal with the stress. And the more I struggle with this, the more I hear shit coming out of mym out that sounds just like my psychotic fucking mom. 7 years of recovery, inumerable counselling sessions, dozens of self-help books, countless hours in meditation, an exercise regimen to help with my fitness and mood, and even anti depressants can't seem to change what I truly am - just a fucking clone of a spiteful, psychotic, unloving hypercritical woman. The only difference - and the real kicker, the real fucked up part of it - is that she didn't have all the help that I do/did. One can only imagine how messed up I would be if I didn't get all the help I did. I probably wouldn't be here. And maybe that would be best.
I'm really sorry to lay all this on you - it's just how I am feeling. I hate myself, I hate this life, I hate being a parent, I hate the fact that I am single and given how fucked up I am probably always will be. I hate being alive today. The best thing I have in my life is one great daughter, and some great friends that I don't deserve.Thanks for being one of them.
-------------------------
I swear, I really just want to lay down and die today. I would feel really bad for Tessi, I really would. I know she would really miss me. Galen, on the other hand, would probably be glad to be rid of me for awhile. Oh sure, over time I bet he would miss me. But he seems to be doing a great job of throwing his life away on his own, and he doesn't need me to help with that. Then he could REALLY have a reason to be a little "emo", a bad boy with a troubled past and tragedies that haun him.
Man, my left shoulder is KILLING me - maybe I have cancer...? I could be so lucky. That sounds terrible, doesn't it? Well, I am terrible fucking person, so who gives a shit.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
On the down low again
Just like the cyclic nature of the seasons, my depression has returned again. I suppose it's somewhat inevitable that it would given the fact that the same set of circumstances keeps recurring in my life : horrible luck with the whole dating thing, troubles with Galen, the holidays coming up and being single - AGAIN - all of this stuff tends to get me down. I sometimes like to think that I am doing better, and perhaps I am. This time around, although I have been down and had a few passing thoughts of killing myself , I have not been obsessed with it as much as I have other times I have been down.
I have come to decision that I am simply not going to even attempt to be overly happy for awhile. It really seems like a sisyphean task, and I am really tired of pushing that freakin' boulder up that hill. I think I am just going to focus on not getting overly depressed and staying out of the "I hate/want to kill myself" thoughts. That can be enough for now. It's going to have to be. Because even though I want to be happy (or at least I think I do), it is extremely hard when I feel "trapped" by my 14 year old son.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, Galen is back to his old behaviors again, giving me a real headache. I told him last night that I just don't care anymore if he goes to class or whether or not he fails. I just can't go on tying my happiness to that, especially considering the fact that I am trying to care for something he doesn't give a shit about. At this point, I just wish he was 18 so I could be free of my societal obligations to him. It sounds terrible, but I just don't want to be responsilbe for him anymore. He wants his independence, and I would so love to give it to him. He made it even worse by bringing up the fact that I "have to give him a place to stay" - so now he is actually shoving that in my face. Wonderful.
There is one thing I can do, one behavior of my own I can change in all this. And that is my constant return to being "nice", and giving in to him - e.g. giving the phone back, buying things for him, treating him out to Yogurtology, giving him money, etc. I vow, at this moment, to end the cycle of "giving in" and spoiling him. Because that is what I am doing - spoiling him. He knows that no matter what he does (or doesn't do), no matter how bad it is, if he just waits a little while, straightens up his behavior for a minute, and turns on the charm, I will give in to him and he will get it all back. Not this time - not this time.
In other news, and adding to my dishevelled mental state, I have bedbugs in my bed. I started noticing some dark spots on my sheets some time back, but thought maybe they were blood spots from hangnails or something. I kept finding more and more of them, and then one day, noticed a little tick-like bug crawling on the bottom edge of my mattress. I had heard about the 'bed bug invasion' on the news recently, so I finally put 2 and 2 together, did some research, and found out that I might jsut have bedbugs - and the dark spots all over my sheets were telltale signs that I did. So, I started examining my mattress and boxsprings, and guess what I found - bedbugs. I found a number of them under the corner of the bed where I lay my head at night, as well as at the bottom corner of the mattress on the same side.
I tried doing a little cleaning to get rid of them - lifted the mattress and vacuumed the are between the mattress and the box springs, and sprayed some rubbing alcohol in the areas I found them as a bit of a stopgap. But they are still there. And as a matter of fact, I was awakened this morning by a small one crawling on my pillow, and a larger one crawling on my mattress down by my chest. That was about 5am, and yeah - it was basically impossible to go back to sleep - talk about the heebie jeebies.
So today, I decided to work from home so I can figure out some way to take care of this. I am pretty sure I am going to end up getting a whole new bed and just getting rid of the one I have now. It is the big pine one that was Marshal's when he went to college he guess, and then mom gave me when we got a bigger place. From what I have found out about bedbugs, they like to nest in wood. So I don't think it is even worth trying to save any part of it. I am just going to hag it out. In reality, that sounds good to me, as I have never really liked that mattress anyway. On top of that, it has a lot of memories and events tied to it, making the thought of shitcanning it very appealing. On top of all that, it is pretty old - it has definitely had its time.
I have come to decision that I am simply not going to even attempt to be overly happy for awhile. It really seems like a sisyphean task, and I am really tired of pushing that freakin' boulder up that hill. I think I am just going to focus on not getting overly depressed and staying out of the "I hate/want to kill myself" thoughts. That can be enough for now. It's going to have to be. Because even though I want to be happy (or at least I think I do), it is extremely hard when I feel "trapped" by my 14 year old son.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, Galen is back to his old behaviors again, giving me a real headache. I told him last night that I just don't care anymore if he goes to class or whether or not he fails. I just can't go on tying my happiness to that, especially considering the fact that I am trying to care for something he doesn't give a shit about. At this point, I just wish he was 18 so I could be free of my societal obligations to him. It sounds terrible, but I just don't want to be responsilbe for him anymore. He wants his independence, and I would so love to give it to him. He made it even worse by bringing up the fact that I "have to give him a place to stay" - so now he is actually shoving that in my face. Wonderful.
There is one thing I can do, one behavior of my own I can change in all this. And that is my constant return to being "nice", and giving in to him - e.g. giving the phone back, buying things for him, treating him out to Yogurtology, giving him money, etc. I vow, at this moment, to end the cycle of "giving in" and spoiling him. Because that is what I am doing - spoiling him. He knows that no matter what he does (or doesn't do), no matter how bad it is, if he just waits a little while, straightens up his behavior for a minute, and turns on the charm, I will give in to him and he will get it all back. Not this time - not this time.
In other news, and adding to my dishevelled mental state, I have bedbugs in my bed. I started noticing some dark spots on my sheets some time back, but thought maybe they were blood spots from hangnails or something. I kept finding more and more of them, and then one day, noticed a little tick-like bug crawling on the bottom edge of my mattress. I had heard about the 'bed bug invasion' on the news recently, so I finally put 2 and 2 together, did some research, and found out that I might jsut have bedbugs - and the dark spots all over my sheets were telltale signs that I did. So, I started examining my mattress and boxsprings, and guess what I found - bedbugs. I found a number of them under the corner of the bed where I lay my head at night, as well as at the bottom corner of the mattress on the same side.
I tried doing a little cleaning to get rid of them - lifted the mattress and vacuumed the are between the mattress and the box springs, and sprayed some rubbing alcohol in the areas I found them as a bit of a stopgap. But they are still there. And as a matter of fact, I was awakened this morning by a small one crawling on my pillow, and a larger one crawling on my mattress down by my chest. That was about 5am, and yeah - it was basically impossible to go back to sleep - talk about the heebie jeebies.
So today, I decided to work from home so I can figure out some way to take care of this. I am pretty sure I am going to end up getting a whole new bed and just getting rid of the one I have now. It is the big pine one that was Marshal's when he went to college he guess, and then mom gave me when we got a bigger place. From what I have found out about bedbugs, they like to nest in wood. So I don't think it is even worth trying to save any part of it. I am just going to hag it out. In reality, that sounds good to me, as I have never really liked that mattress anyway. On top of that, it has a lot of memories and events tied to it, making the thought of shitcanning it very appealing. On top of all that, it is pretty old - it has definitely had its time.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Yuck - the "fun" continues
Last night was a pretty bad night. I wasn't feeling well at all, and all I really wanted to do was lay down and relax. Galen and Tessi walked across the street to Walgreens, and when they came back, I asked Tessi if she had any homework. She said she didn't, and I told her that if it ended up that she really did but just wasn't doing it, I would not help her come Thursday night. To which she said, "you didn't help me last time anyway," or something to that effect. And at that very moment, I lost it. I have helped her with her homework every week this year, and she knew it. Why she said that, I don't know, but I had a feeling that it might have had something to do with haging out with her brother and picking up some of his "wonderful" attitude.
I tried to contain myself, but just couldn't. I ended up throwing one of our glass bowls against the sink and shattering it. I proceeded to yell at Tessi, telling her that I always helped her, and I couldn't believe she said that, then went on a basic tirade towards both of them, stating that I couldn't believe not only how unappreciative they were, but how it seemed like both of them - as well as their mom - had some alternate view of reality, and that perhaps I was truly insane, because it seemed like the things I thought happened didn't, and things I didn't think happen truly did.
Long story short(er), Galen ended up leaving for awhile, calling his mom and telling her that I was flipping out, Tessi stayed home, cried a bit, I settled down quickly after Galen left, I apologized to Tessi and told her that most of my anger was directed at Galen, but that it hurt to think that neither of them remembers any of the nice things I do for them, Sam (my ex) called Tessi and told her that her mom was on the way over to get her because Galen told her (his mom) that Tessi wasn't safe with me, Tessi called her mom and said that wasn't true and that no one needed to come over, Tessi went over to a friend's house to stay the night (some really nice people that have kind of adopted Tessi into her family), I went to bed, and then about 9:30pm Galen came back in and said he had nowhere else to go so he came home. I didn't say much, just gave him his new medication and went to bed.
I tried to contain myself, but just couldn't. I ended up throwing one of our glass bowls against the sink and shattering it. I proceeded to yell at Tessi, telling her that I always helped her, and I couldn't believe she said that, then went on a basic tirade towards both of them, stating that I couldn't believe not only how unappreciative they were, but how it seemed like both of them - as well as their mom - had some alternate view of reality, and that perhaps I was truly insane, because it seemed like the things I thought happened didn't, and things I didn't think happen truly did.
Long story short(er), Galen ended up leaving for awhile, calling his mom and telling her that I was flipping out, Tessi stayed home, cried a bit, I settled down quickly after Galen left, I apologized to Tessi and told her that most of my anger was directed at Galen, but that it hurt to think that neither of them remembers any of the nice things I do for them, Sam (my ex) called Tessi and told her that her mom was on the way over to get her because Galen told her (his mom) that Tessi wasn't safe with me, Tessi called her mom and said that wasn't true and that no one needed to come over, Tessi went over to a friend's house to stay the night (some really nice people that have kind of adopted Tessi into her family), I went to bed, and then about 9:30pm Galen came back in and said he had nowhere else to go so he came home. I didn't say much, just gave him his new medication and went to bed.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
...And a crappier Monday, or No Mas
I am done writing these entries about Galen, and how "wonderful" he seems to be doing, because every time I do, it is inevitably followed by another post telling how he has fucked up again. And so is this case this time. Yesterday - ah, you know what, I don't even want to waste the words on this shit anymore. Suffice it to say that he ditched 7th hour yesterday, and as a reasoning, said that he "didn't feel like going." Nice. I don't feel like feeding his sorry ass either, but I do.
I was going to take today off so I could go to the courts and find out what I need to do to either have him declared incorrigible, or at least protect myself from getting fined. But, I am on call this week, so I can't really do that. Instead, I am going to go to his school since it is so close and give all his past academic records to the social worker as he requested, and ask him what kind of trouble I can get in if Galen continues to miss school.
You know, part of me wants to say (and truly is saying) "I just don't deserve this." Then there is the AA part of me that says "if I got what I deserved, I'd be dead." Then there is another part of me that says, " ..." I don't know what it says. I guess it says something like "I was never this much trouble to my mom in high school, and my mom was out drinking half the time, or playing lovey-lovey with Bob Barber for God's sake. This kid has it easy compared to me - what's his fucking problem?"
In the end, I guess none of that is really productive. It is what it is, and I have to accept it and deal with it here and now. I can say that as much as I love Galen, I really don't like him anymore, and can't stand to think of all the lies and mnaipulation that he weaves. And I need to be strong from here on it and NOT GIVE IN when it comes to doing nice things for him. He is such a little manipulator. He will be sweet as sugar to get what he wants. Then, after he does, all bets are off, and he is back to being a smartass asshole. Ugh.
I am grateful that I have friends - both in the Program and not - that I can lean on and talk to. And I am grateful that I have a pretty strong spiritual foundation. I know all of this is impermanent, and it will pass. I only need to maitain some kind of patience, compassion and love, and all will be well eventually. I just need to breathe - ahhhhhhhhh............
I was going to take today off so I could go to the courts and find out what I need to do to either have him declared incorrigible, or at least protect myself from getting fined. But, I am on call this week, so I can't really do that. Instead, I am going to go to his school since it is so close and give all his past academic records to the social worker as he requested, and ask him what kind of trouble I can get in if Galen continues to miss school.
You know, part of me wants to say (and truly is saying) "I just don't deserve this." Then there is the AA part of me that says "if I got what I deserved, I'd be dead." Then there is another part of me that says, " ..." I don't know what it says. I guess it says something like "I was never this much trouble to my mom in high school, and my mom was out drinking half the time, or playing lovey-lovey with Bob Barber for God's sake. This kid has it easy compared to me - what's his fucking problem?"
In the end, I guess none of that is really productive. It is what it is, and I have to accept it and deal with it here and now. I can say that as much as I love Galen, I really don't like him anymore, and can't stand to think of all the lies and mnaipulation that he weaves. And I need to be strong from here on it and NOT GIVE IN when it comes to doing nice things for him. He is such a little manipulator. He will be sweet as sugar to get what he wants. Then, after he does, all bets are off, and he is back to being a smartass asshole. Ugh.
I am grateful that I have friends - both in the Program and not - that I can lean on and talk to. And I am grateful that I have a pretty strong spiritual foundation. I know all of this is impermanent, and it will pass. I only need to maitain some kind of patience, compassion and love, and all will be well eventually. I just need to breathe - ahhhhhhhhh............
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