Movin' on - hopefully soon

Over the course of the last month or so, I have solidified my belief that I don't want to be a code monkey anymore and taken the first steps to actively seeking a position as a business analyst. There have a been a number of days recently when I have just not wanted to come in to work, and when I do, I can hardly stand to think that I have to sit here at the PC and code all day - again. So, instead of just whining about it and hoping things will magically change, I sent out some emails to recruiters I have worked with in the past asking about BA positions.

I got a bite quicker than I thought I would and actually went on an interview yesterday for a junior-mid level BA position with Grand Canyon University. The people I interviewed with seemed super nice, and I am hopeful that I will get an offer. The benefits are excellent, and both of the directors I talked with, one of whom I would be working under (they actually have 2 positions open, so I could end up working for either of them) seemed extremely friendly and honest. I was thinking I might hear something today, but if not today then definitely Monday. Of course me, being the ever-patient person, am ok waiting as long as I need to... Ha ha ha! In all reality though, I am ok if I don't hear back today. I have a job, and although it's not what I would prefer to be doing, it isn't unbearable either.

The nice thing is, if I don't get the position at least I know that there are some positions out there for which I might be a good fit. And there are some hiring managers who will be willing to interview me even though I haven't been in a pure BA position before. I have also learned that I actually did do a lot of BA-type duties when I was at Banner, and even when I was at Blue Cross Blue Shield - I just never really thought about them that way. I am going to re-do my resume' if necessary to highlight those skills and am positive that I could get something.

And as much as I convinced myself a year or 2 ago that I wouldn't be happy in a BA position - probably more as a means of coping with the fact that I didn't get it (at Banner) - I know see that it is a much better fit for my personality style and offers a much clearer path to upper management or other advancement opportunities. It seems to me that sitting in a cube coding, I am never really going to go anywhere. And knowing developers like I do, I have no desire to be a director of development. I don't think I have thick enough skin and the mettle to do it without just hating it.

It feels good to have finally made an actual decision about this, as I have been pondering it and going back and forth for some time.  Most people I have talked to in the field have told me that I ought to stay in development, that the job security and demand is better, and that it's harder to find someone who can code than it is a BA. That caused me to tell myself a lot of fear stories, which in turn kept me from pursuing it further. Bit I remembered something someone told me along the way - and that is that no matter what you do, if you are passionate about it and do it with excellence, you will always be able to get a job. Not only that, but  I believe that doing something that is actually enjoyable, or allows me to utilize my other talents such as writing and speaking will open up several doors and opportunities that would otherwise go undiscovered.

I am honestly thinking I am going to get an offer from GCU, be it today or Monday. So I am not going to go too far into "if I don't...." just yet. Instead, I am going to be patient, think positive, and enjoy my afternoon. I am looking forward to spending a nice weekend with my fiance', and life is really good - way better than I could ever have imagined it would be at this point in my life, especially considering the 17 year 'detour' I took! Lol! I am grateful to God, the Universe, my HP, and whoever/whatever else might be responsible for the Grace I experience in my life. Blessed, I am, and my gratitude is unending : )

Revelation.. about development

So I originally put this in an email to Deb, but it was so profound, I thought I ought to capture it for posterity :

You know, I have had a bit of a revelation this morning, and I thought I would share it with you : I have noticed since I have been a developer that communication, most of the time, really sucks between coworkers in this position. I can’t count how many times I have sent out an email to an entire team – in this case, more than 20 people – and had either no one at all, or if I am lucky one person reply to it. I always wondered to myself, why is that? Surely at least 2 or 3 other people out there know the answer I am looking for, or at least have some insight they could provide.

This morning, while pondering that and thinking at the same time what a man crush BB has on the jscript guys (at least the one for sure) it hit me – no one wants to reply because they are afraid that they will say something, no matter how small or insignificant, that will make them look stupid, or at least “not as smart as”, and in this job, everyone is scared of that. There are those few people who just don’t care, and they are the ones that tend to reply and be helpful. But the majority all want to be seen as super intelligent so that, if they can’t be the “chosen one”, the one the boss loves, they can hopefully at least avoid being someone the boss constantly patronizes and talks down to because they have been exposed as not knowing everything. And so in playing favorites, and worshipping those who do things that wow them while patronizing, marginalizing and talking down to those who don’t, bosses create an environment that does the exact opposite of fostering collaboration and creativity. Instead, it creates an atmosphere of competition and self-protection where people hold back on being helpful for fear of being “exposed” as being fallible.

Big news! We got engaged. But this post is about coding - ugh

Ok, so I would be a horrible excuse for a romantic if I didn't first announce that I asked Debbie to marry me on Oct 19th, and she accepted. So we are now officially engaged. It's funny - I read that last post, and thought, "kind of ironic to be posting next that we are getting engaged!" Lol. But, to her, and our credit, we went to see Diana, learned some new communication techniques, and have really been working to improve our communication. There have still been some rough patches, but there has been improvement too. And I do love her with all my heart - no woman has ever made me laugh as much as she does, and none has made me as happy. That, combined with the fact that she is willing to admit (eventually! Lol) that she was wrong and work to improve it. And of course it doesn't hurt that she is absolutely beautiful, and we have an awesome sex life! haha

Having said that, and been a good boy, I now want to go on to the big conundrum I have been dealing with for the past year or so, and especially over the last 3 or 4 months : I AM SICK OF CODING! There, I said it. I am tired of sitting in a cubicle all day, staring at a computer screen, and typing lines of code in to make it do stuff. I am tired of working on something so utterly complex - as the current product I am working on is - and at the same time so completely boring. I am tired of having to think so hard all the time to produce what, to me, is so ungratifying. I feel exaclty how the main character in Office Space felt - or pretty damn close anyway. I am thinking that a stint at Taco Bell or Wal Mart would be pretty awesome right now.

Much to my dismay, I have been finding out that it is not so easy to move into some other role in IT, such as that of a business analyst or something. I tried at Banner, thought I would be a shoein, and was told that they wanted someone with more actual BA experience. I have reached out to some recruiters to let them know how I feel, and only one has actually gotten back to me with any real interest. I even went to DeVry awhile back and spoke to Paul, one of the career counselors, only to have him convince me to stay in development. But I don't want to! Bleh hehhhh!

Thing is, the money is decent. And the job demand has been steady, even when the economy is bad. I am very gratful for that and know that there are a lot of people out there that would kill for that - so I can't really "complain" per se. But I am beginning to think that all of that is not really as important as my overall life satisfaction is. Heck, I had more job satisfaction when I worked in the warehouse at Galco. There were days I would come home tired, from a job well done, and know that I had actually done something. In this job, as so many others, the kudos are few and far between. And when there is not that feeling of a hard day's work, and some visible result that actually means something - well, it's just not satisfying.

So what the hell do I do? Well, I am in communication with one recruiter who seems to be at least a little interested in helping me out. I am also seriously thinking about posting an ad on craigslist or something like that advertising myself and what I want. And I am also thinking about going back to school next year, and to get a masters in something that will get me out of the heads-down coding that I have come to dislike so. And, a little prayer or 2 wouldn't hurt, I'm sure.

I have faith that something will eventually come along. I have the love and support of a good woman, and the reassurance that when we are living together, I won't need to make quite as much as I need to now. So it will work out - I know it will. I just need to be patient, have faith, and keep trying. If all else fails, I might need to call in some lingering "Burrito Master" favors! Lol

How much is enough?

I know I'm really down when I don't even want to expend the energy to write about it. And I am really down today. Debbie and I have fallen into a pattern where, almost every Saturday night, she hits me with some "surprise" nugget of information she wants to talk about, and most often, it is something about how I'm not doing enough to show I love her, or I have said or done something that made her doubt, or something to that effect. It has led to several horrible Saturday nights in bed, where neither of us gets much sleep, and we both wake up feeling icky. Inevitably, we talk it over, and go on with the day. She seems to be able to get past it quickly. But because it always seems to be about ME, and what I am/am not doing, it lingers, and I end up feeling down Sunday, and most often times Monday too. Like today.

This last Saturday  (2 nights ago), we were heading to bed after having what I thought was a pretty good day. There was one little rough patch that occurred as a result of her following me on the freeway over to my place, her falling way behind, and me calling her to see if everything was ok. She got pissed, and said "ok, ok," and proceeded to speed right on past me as I sat on the side of the road waiting for her to catch up. When she got to my place, she wasn't happy - AT ALL - and it was evident. We went in my room for awhile, talked it out, and emerged ok. We went on with the day.

So when we were heading into bed, I had no reason to think that anything was wrong. And this is a major factor of these "Saturday night surprises" - they come out of NOWHERE; I am totally taken aback and they are completely unexpected. This time, we were laying down, I was getting ready to kiss and snuggle her, and I could tell when I looked at her, she wasn't happy. So I asked what was wrong.

She proceeded to mention that I had said some things that had exposed how I "really felt", and that she didn't think that I wanted to be together for the rest of our lives. She went on to say that we "wanted different things," and that it was ok, but she needed someone who wanted the same things she does. I was like "what the ....???" It all stemmed from a comment I had made earlier that day, about when Emilee turned 18, and 'if' we were still together, the things we might do. She interpreted the 'if' to mean that I had no intention of being with her 6 years from now, and that we just didn't want the same things.

Yyyyyeaaahhhhh... I was none too happy, and tried to explain that when I said that, it was more a matter of "who knows what's going to happen in 6 years? We may ALL be dead!" She mentioned that she got that, but that was a horrible thought, and again - we were obviously 2 very different people.

Now what pissed - and pisses  - me off, is ALL the shit I have done for and with her over the last 9 months, and 3 months especially. I have given her numerous gifts, put up with her lovely daughter who treats me like shit constantly, and put thousands of miles on my truck and bike to drive out to her place and spend as much time as possible with her. To add to all that, I have even talked in the last few weeks seriously of walking away from my mortgage so that we could get a place together. One might think, "wow, he must really be serious to be contemplating that." But not her. Apparently, it didn't mean jack shit.

At this point, I think it is only fair to mention that I know she is very scared of being hurt; I know she feels exposed and vulnerable, and much like I used to do, she is trying to push me away to avoid being hurt. Thing is, I too have those same fears; and I too have been hurt. But I am NOT pushing her away. And in fact, have really gone to bat to hang onto her.

But my arms, as well as my mind and my spirit, are getting tired. I am thinking we are at a crossroads in this relationship, and that if this cycle doesn't stop, it is going to be ME who asks for a break (she has brought that up SEVERAL times lately, that maybe we need a break; can't get more kharmic than that, eh? I now I had that coming). As much as I love her, I can't live this way again - on the seesaw of depression, on pins and needles, waiting for the next "surprise attack"; constantly having to fear her little bitch of a daughter (God forgive me) throwing a tantrum and ruining everyone's day. I am recovering from the crippling depression that has dogged me my whole life - or at least I WAS - and I don't want to go back there. But it seems as though I am going back there - every weekend lately. But no more.

We talked last night, and I got pretty 'real." I think she could tell how earnest I was. She again promised she wouldn't do it anymore. She has before though, so I am not real hopeful that she will stick to it this time. And I sent her an email about an hour ago that layed out my thoughts - about all the time, gas, money and energy I have spent lately to go out to her place 4-5 times a week. I just don't think she has appreciated it AT ALL. She comes out to my place for 1 day every 2 weeks, and I am out at hers for 8-10 days every 2 weeks. I didn't mind doing it for the longest time. But now, I am done for awhile.

I am a nice person, and I try to give my best to those I love. I try to be forgiving, understanding, and supportive. But I will not sacrifice my happiness or serenity for anyone - especially someone who not only doesn't appreciate what I do, but accuses me of not doing enough. I mentioned recently how she never gets me any gifts, thinking she would get me a little something. Has she? No. I have mentioned how much I would like her to get a pedicure. Has she? No. Well, I am done giving for awhile. She better figure shit out and get straight, or we are going to take a break. God knows, I feel like I could use one. And this used to be thet thing that gave me the most joy in life. Oy vey.

The year of my battered self-esteem (as far as the career goes anyway)

As good as this year has been in some respects - mainly, my relationship with Debbie - it has been incredibly difficult in other areas, particularly as far as my self-confidence in my professional abilities goes. I suppose I ought to give the "rundown/"

I think it really started when I was still at Banner, and a lady who was a bigwig in payroll or something lit into me in a meeting about the Better Together campaign after it was over regarding some issues that surfaced. Her name was Lisa Davis I think, and in a meeting with her, Camille Horn, Jennifer and Dawn, she RIPPED me, basically calling me out and blaming all of the issues on me. I was really expecting someone to stand up for me and defend me, especially after all I had done to ensure the success of the campaign. But that did not happen. I was basically left sitting there, getting ripped, and it felt horrible. My boss Al said that I shouldn't worry about it, that she didn't write my reviews, but it still stung.

I ended up leaving Banner for what I thought were "greener fields" at a company called Black, Gould and Associates. And right up until they told me I wasn't the "type pf person they needed," I thought things were going great - or at least well. Then, one Friday, Cindy called me into her office and asked me how I thought I was doing (I had been there 2 months at that time). I told her that, all things considered, I thought I was doign well. She then proceeded to tell me that she had different thoughts, that they had expected more from me, that they thought I was going to put all kinds of "bells and whistles" on their website, that I wasn't the "type of person they needed." I was totally taken aback, as they had given me no previous indication that they felt this way. She even brought Paul in to talk it over too, and he proceeded to basically tell me (in not so many words) that I was incompetent. That Monday, I was gone.

And I remained unemployed for an unprecedented 5 weeks. It turned out that while I thought I was quite a hot commodity, and that the skills I had learned were very valuable, I seemed to be lacking a LOT of skills that employers want. I went on a number of interviews and started to wonder if I was going to get a job at all. There were a couple of times when I really struggled to keep at it, to keep looking. But it seems that the Universe was looking out for me, and out of nowhere, I got an email from an internal recruiter from the company I now work for - Sage. And within 3 days of getting that email, I had been offered, and accepted a position.

So all is well, right? I feel good now, right? Well.... For starters, the software product I am working on is very large and complex, and it is really shedding light on some areas I don't know much about - TFS, unit testing, release builds, Q and A, etc. I am used to building websites which are pre-compiled and then published to a web server. And this is a WHOLE different animal. A bigger, more complex animal. And one that has behaviors and systems I have not seen before, like it's own IDE that is used to build and deploy the website. But I have done fairly well (I think) at getting up to speed. That was, until I started this latest training class Monday.

It is supposed to be a 3 day class, taken online with a virtual PC to do the exercises, a chat client for questions for the instructor, and a series of videos along with a pdf workbook for learning. I started yesterday, and worked steadily through the day, only to find that I had fallen a little behind the agenda. Not to worry, as they (the instructors) said that the agenda was merely a "guideline". Cool, I would catch up today I thought.

And then, shortly after completing the next exercise or 2, I ran into a major issue - the web page that I had been working on, and desperately needed to display, wouldn't : it kept saying something about a missing resource file. So I told Jason, the trainer, and he told me to close and reopen my browser. I did - no luck. He told me to delete all the files in the local www directory for the site I did - no luck. I told him, and he said to simply "delete the page", and that it shouldn't take that long. The page he was talking about had all kinds of stuff attached to it - there was no way I could just delete it. He didn't seem too concerned, and even got terse with me one time, saying "IISRESET" through chat. Not cool.

I got pretty stressed and pretty upset, as he basically told me he didn't know what happened. So I decided to do a restore back to a copy of the VFS that set me back about 4 hours, at least. I rushed through today after FINALLY getting the thing straightened out again, hoping to make up lost ground. But I could only do what I could do, and so I emailed Jason telling him that I was really behind and that I didn't know how I was going to finish the training. To which he replied, "I don't know what happened, but you need to finish the training and complete the assessment." Wow, thanks. Nice, I appreciate that.

Now what makes this all a little extra weird is the fact that he is an instructor at DeVry, and he knew of me, as I knew of him, although I had never taken any classes that he taught. I thought that might kind of add a bit of comraderie between us, but it seems like it is making him be a bit of an asshole - similar to the experience people have when they work for one of their parents - they are much harder on their kids than they are on others. I can't imagine he would be this way to some outside person taking the course.

And all that was enough. But then, in the chat window at the end of the day, some other guy is asking questions about the final project?!?! How in the HELL can that guy be that far already I'm asking myself...

CONTINUED - it's Friday now, I finally completed the course yesterday, and have been battling with depression and anxiety all week. I actually made an "emergency" appointment with Diana Tuesday night, and seemed to be doing a little better Wednesday. I came in and set to finishing up the workbook and project, working furiously, determined to get it done. And I did just that - cranked on getting it all completed. But when 3:30 Wednesday came around, and it looked like I was not going to get the hands-on portion done, I messaged Jason to let him know, and asked him what I should do. He asked me "so what's the plan," and I said the he could let me take the assessment without having completed the hands-on, considering that it says right in the workbook that the expectation may not be to actually finish it, but to submit a SOW and get it approved. I figured that given the technical difficulties I had, that would be fair.

BUT, that was not his thinking, and he proceeded to get a little snippy about it. I have the details save somewhere else, but suffice it to say that for some reason, he seemed to make it a very personal thing, made some rather terse comments, and even threatened to escalate to my manager. I was pretty blown away by all of it, as I thought this was supposed to be a TRAINING course, and that was how I approached it. But he made reference to the fact that I was an internal developer, and that's why he left me to figure out what happened on my own. He also said that was why he was "giving me more rope," and then got really defensive when I asked how a trainer would handle the situation (of facing major technical difficulties and falling behind as a result) if I were an outside customer.

So I stayed after work until about 5:30pm Wed night working on it after he agreed to leave the machine open for me, and had plans to even work on it at home. But the screen resolution would not allow me to see much of the VPC at all, and I sent him an email stating as much, asking if I could perhaps get on again Thursday morning to finish.

After all that, I was a little stressed and talked to Debbie about maybe going over to spend the night with her - thought maybe a little time with my sweetie would be comforting. But when I got there, and she opened the door, I could tell immediately that she was upset. Apparently, Emilee had let into her about me coming over, saying that she should have asked her about it first, that Debbie didn't listen to her, and that the relationship with me was going to end up just like the one with Fred did. I tried to convince her to not let it get to her, but I know how it is when someone upsets me like that - it's not as easy as just forgetting about it. She said that it wouldn't ruin the night though.

And it might not have. But for whatever reason, when we decided to head to bed, and Emilee finally emerged from the bedroom, I was triggered into a state of fear and depression. I almost felt like a kid again, like when my grandpa Everett was drunk, and I would get scared and try to avoid him. Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant thing to go to sleep thinking, and it was a rough night.

Wow, this post could go on forever. But suffice it to say that I was very depressed yesterday, I think Jason basically told on me to my manager John, who came over and nicely (really) explained some things to me,I did finally finish the hands-on project, and I went to see Diana again last night. Today, I am feeling somewhat better, and though not 100%, am much better than I have been all week. I am still considering whether or not I want to stay in software development for my career, but that is a decision I can come to gradually now - I am through the "panic-get me the hell out of here" mode, which is a relief. And I went to lunch with a couple of the guys here today, Cameron and Michael, and that was nice, so that is cool.

Tomorrow morning, my AA homegroup is doing the hospitality at the Roundup at 7am, then the meeting at 8 after, and I plan on being there. Then, at 11am, I am going to DeVry to sit on a panel for an open house they are having. When I was really depressed yesterday, I sent Deena an email cancelling, as I didn't figure they would want someone there who was thinking of getting out of the field entirely. But I thought how selfish and inconsiderate that was and reconsidered. So I will be there at 10:45. I am supposed to take Tessi school shopping tomorrow afternoon, and of course will spend as much of the weekend as possible with Debbie.

I am hoping that it will be a nice weekend, filled with healing, and the company of loved ones. I am hoping that the worst of the depression and anxiety is behind me, and I can get back on track again - even if I do decide eventually to change career paths, and/or walk away from my condo (another thing I have been leaning towards). The thing is, I don't want to act impulsively out of fear like I used to. And by God's Grace, a good counsellor, AA, and my wonderful girlfriend (as well as a little bit coming from myself, and the tools I have learned), I was able to avoid doing that. I have to remember how huge that is for me, even now. Because I REALLY wanted to run - just run and hide. But I didn't. I'm still  here to face another day, and for that, I am grateful (ok, so I am not totally feeling that just yet - but I'm getting there! Lol)

The Waterfall Effect

So this weekend was another one of those "Debbie and Emilee come out to stay at our place and Emilee throws a fit - in her passive-aggressive way, cries because she wants to go home, upsets Debbie, which causes rough times for us, and basically ruins the weekend" weekends. It was really disappointing too, because it seemed like we really did a backslide as far as the relationship goes. We went to bed Saturday night with Debbie being upset, but not wanting to talk about it. When we woke up Sunday, we talked, and it was rather dramatic and stressful, the way it used to be. Not fun.

We got through it, and the day seemed to go a little better - right up until she was getting ready to leave. She was upset again, and at that instant, Doug called, at which time she decided she was going to stomp off and leave, upset with me. I finally decided I'd had enough, and just told her "fine" and went into my bedroom to talk to Doug. Well, she came settled down, came into my room, and after I was finished talking to Doug, we talked for awhile and got back on an even keel. She said she was going to get some counselling for Emilee - which she has so far been very reluctant to do for some reason - and that she promised again that we would not go to bed without talking through things anymore. We kissed, made up, and they left. All better, right?

Not really. Because today, I am feeling down, and not just about our relationship. I am feeling insecure about work, about my abilities, about my motorcycle, about everything. I have noticed this the last few times this has  happened - that the negativity that occurs in the relationship at times like this, when it gets really rough, flows down into the other areas of my life, and I start feeling like I did when I was really struggling with the depression.

So today, I am going to try to get back on top, but so far, it is proving difficult. I decided to ride my bike to work today so I could "enjoy" the smell of the rain from last night, and my bike ran like shit again, like it did that last time after it rained. I got to work and read an email about the other new guy who works in dev (started a couple of weeks before me apparently) and how he created this new tool for everyone to use to validat JavaScript. And here I am struggling just to learn the overall architecture still and how to change the text of labels on forms. Icky.

I'm not sure what to do, so I am just going to accept the feelings and thoughts for what they are and just get through the day. I have my AA meeting tonight, so that should help. Right now, I just feel a little ill, and wish I could just go back home, crawl into bed, and pull the covers over my head. But I am not going to do that. I am going to soldier through and just do what I can do. I am the greatest developer in the world? No, absolutely not. Am I the best parent in the world? No. Am I the best partner in the world? Doubt it. I am the best me I can be today? I don't know. But I know I need to try to be, and that is what I am focusing on. Some days, it seems much harder than others. Today is going to be one of those "harder" days.

Back to work - thank God

I am happy to say that I am finally back to work, and at what seems to be a very good company. It's really weird because after going on a number of interviews (DriveTime, contract for ADOT, Business and Decision, Noteworthy Medical, Concorde), being passed up on 2 (DriveTime and Concorde), and delayed indefinitely on 2 (ADOT and Noteworthy), I was starting to get a little frustrated. But I pulled myself back together and decided to start anew the week of June 27th. Strangely though, something told me that I was probably going to have something show up out of nowhere - something unexpected - and that it would be the opportunity I had been seeking.

So Monday morning, lo and behold, I get an email from an internal recruiter for a company called Sage. I had received emails from internal recruiters before, only to have them either fizzle totally, or not work out, like in the case of DriveTime. I called the contact though, had a brief phone interview, and he said he would like to set up a phone interview for me with the hiring manager - that afternoon. I was pretty impressed with the speed that it was moving and had the call with the manager at about 4:30pm. It went very well too, and I liked the fact that the manager I spoke with told me that they were interested as much in personality as technical skills, as it was important to him to have people that were easy to work with. He asked if I could come in very soon for an interview, and I said absolutely.

This part is kinda' funny - I got an email from the HR contact, Mike Kim, about the interview, and I could have sworn it said it was for the next day - Tuesday - at 2:30pm. And I was pretty darned excited about that. So the next day, I headed in to their office off of Scottsdale Road and Doubletree Ranch for my interview. When the manager, John Perona, came out to get me, he mentioned that he thought the interview had been scheduled for Wednesday, but that either way, it was ok to go ahead and have it that day, as he didn't want me to have to come all the way back again.

So I went into the interview, and.... well, I will continue this tomorrow. But suffice it to say, the interview went well, I got the job, it seems to be a great company, it is an actual software company, and to this point, I am very happy and grateful to God for such a cool opportunity. My first day was July 11th - praise jeebus! Lol.