The year of my battered self-esteem (as far as the career goes anyway)

As good as this year has been in some respects - mainly, my relationship with Debbie - it has been incredibly difficult in other areas, particularly as far as my self-confidence in my professional abilities goes. I suppose I ought to give the "rundown/"

I think it really started when I was still at Banner, and a lady who was a bigwig in payroll or something lit into me in a meeting about the Better Together campaign after it was over regarding some issues that surfaced. Her name was Lisa Davis I think, and in a meeting with her, Camille Horn, Jennifer and Dawn, she RIPPED me, basically calling me out and blaming all of the issues on me. I was really expecting someone to stand up for me and defend me, especially after all I had done to ensure the success of the campaign. But that did not happen. I was basically left sitting there, getting ripped, and it felt horrible. My boss Al said that I shouldn't worry about it, that she didn't write my reviews, but it still stung.

I ended up leaving Banner for what I thought were "greener fields" at a company called Black, Gould and Associates. And right up until they told me I wasn't the "type pf person they needed," I thought things were going great - or at least well. Then, one Friday, Cindy called me into her office and asked me how I thought I was doing (I had been there 2 months at that time). I told her that, all things considered, I thought I was doign well. She then proceeded to tell me that she had different thoughts, that they had expected more from me, that they thought I was going to put all kinds of "bells and whistles" on their website, that I wasn't the "type of person they needed." I was totally taken aback, as they had given me no previous indication that they felt this way. She even brought Paul in to talk it over too, and he proceeded to basically tell me (in not so many words) that I was incompetent. That Monday, I was gone.

And I remained unemployed for an unprecedented 5 weeks. It turned out that while I thought I was quite a hot commodity, and that the skills I had learned were very valuable, I seemed to be lacking a LOT of skills that employers want. I went on a number of interviews and started to wonder if I was going to get a job at all. There were a couple of times when I really struggled to keep at it, to keep looking. But it seems that the Universe was looking out for me, and out of nowhere, I got an email from an internal recruiter from the company I now work for - Sage. And within 3 days of getting that email, I had been offered, and accepted a position.

So all is well, right? I feel good now, right? Well.... For starters, the software product I am working on is very large and complex, and it is really shedding light on some areas I don't know much about - TFS, unit testing, release builds, Q and A, etc. I am used to building websites which are pre-compiled and then published to a web server. And this is a WHOLE different animal. A bigger, more complex animal. And one that has behaviors and systems I have not seen before, like it's own IDE that is used to build and deploy the website. But I have done fairly well (I think) at getting up to speed. That was, until I started this latest training class Monday.

It is supposed to be a 3 day class, taken online with a virtual PC to do the exercises, a chat client for questions for the instructor, and a series of videos along with a pdf workbook for learning. I started yesterday, and worked steadily through the day, only to find that I had fallen a little behind the agenda. Not to worry, as they (the instructors) said that the agenda was merely a "guideline". Cool, I would catch up today I thought.

And then, shortly after completing the next exercise or 2, I ran into a major issue - the web page that I had been working on, and desperately needed to display, wouldn't : it kept saying something about a missing resource file. So I told Jason, the trainer, and he told me to close and reopen my browser. I did - no luck. He told me to delete all the files in the local www directory for the site I did - no luck. I told him, and he said to simply "delete the page", and that it shouldn't take that long. The page he was talking about had all kinds of stuff attached to it - there was no way I could just delete it. He didn't seem too concerned, and even got terse with me one time, saying "IISRESET" through chat. Not cool.

I got pretty stressed and pretty upset, as he basically told me he didn't know what happened. So I decided to do a restore back to a copy of the VFS that set me back about 4 hours, at least. I rushed through today after FINALLY getting the thing straightened out again, hoping to make up lost ground. But I could only do what I could do, and so I emailed Jason telling him that I was really behind and that I didn't know how I was going to finish the training. To which he replied, "I don't know what happened, but you need to finish the training and complete the assessment." Wow, thanks. Nice, I appreciate that.

Now what makes this all a little extra weird is the fact that he is an instructor at DeVry, and he knew of me, as I knew of him, although I had never taken any classes that he taught. I thought that might kind of add a bit of comraderie between us, but it seems like it is making him be a bit of an asshole - similar to the experience people have when they work for one of their parents - they are much harder on their kids than they are on others. I can't imagine he would be this way to some outside person taking the course.

And all that was enough. But then, in the chat window at the end of the day, some other guy is asking questions about the final project?!?! How in the HELL can that guy be that far already I'm asking myself...

CONTINUED - it's Friday now, I finally completed the course yesterday, and have been battling with depression and anxiety all week. I actually made an "emergency" appointment with Diana Tuesday night, and seemed to be doing a little better Wednesday. I came in and set to finishing up the workbook and project, working furiously, determined to get it done. And I did just that - cranked on getting it all completed. But when 3:30 Wednesday came around, and it looked like I was not going to get the hands-on portion done, I messaged Jason to let him know, and asked him what I should do. He asked me "so what's the plan," and I said the he could let me take the assessment without having completed the hands-on, considering that it says right in the workbook that the expectation may not be to actually finish it, but to submit a SOW and get it approved. I figured that given the technical difficulties I had, that would be fair.

BUT, that was not his thinking, and he proceeded to get a little snippy about it. I have the details save somewhere else, but suffice it to say that for some reason, he seemed to make it a very personal thing, made some rather terse comments, and even threatened to escalate to my manager. I was pretty blown away by all of it, as I thought this was supposed to be a TRAINING course, and that was how I approached it. But he made reference to the fact that I was an internal developer, and that's why he left me to figure out what happened on my own. He also said that was why he was "giving me more rope," and then got really defensive when I asked how a trainer would handle the situation (of facing major technical difficulties and falling behind as a result) if I were an outside customer.

So I stayed after work until about 5:30pm Wed night working on it after he agreed to leave the machine open for me, and had plans to even work on it at home. But the screen resolution would not allow me to see much of the VPC at all, and I sent him an email stating as much, asking if I could perhaps get on again Thursday morning to finish.

After all that, I was a little stressed and talked to Debbie about maybe going over to spend the night with her - thought maybe a little time with my sweetie would be comforting. But when I got there, and she opened the door, I could tell immediately that she was upset. Apparently, Emilee had let into her about me coming over, saying that she should have asked her about it first, that Debbie didn't listen to her, and that the relationship with me was going to end up just like the one with Fred did. I tried to convince her to not let it get to her, but I know how it is when someone upsets me like that - it's not as easy as just forgetting about it. She said that it wouldn't ruin the night though.

And it might not have. But for whatever reason, when we decided to head to bed, and Emilee finally emerged from the bedroom, I was triggered into a state of fear and depression. I almost felt like a kid again, like when my grandpa Everett was drunk, and I would get scared and try to avoid him. Needless to say, it wasn't a pleasant thing to go to sleep thinking, and it was a rough night.

Wow, this post could go on forever. But suffice it to say that I was very depressed yesterday, I think Jason basically told on me to my manager John, who came over and nicely (really) explained some things to me,I did finally finish the hands-on project, and I went to see Diana again last night. Today, I am feeling somewhat better, and though not 100%, am much better than I have been all week. I am still considering whether or not I want to stay in software development for my career, but that is a decision I can come to gradually now - I am through the "panic-get me the hell out of here" mode, which is a relief. And I went to lunch with a couple of the guys here today, Cameron and Michael, and that was nice, so that is cool.

Tomorrow morning, my AA homegroup is doing the hospitality at the Roundup at 7am, then the meeting at 8 after, and I plan on being there. Then, at 11am, I am going to DeVry to sit on a panel for an open house they are having. When I was really depressed yesterday, I sent Deena an email cancelling, as I didn't figure they would want someone there who was thinking of getting out of the field entirely. But I thought how selfish and inconsiderate that was and reconsidered. So I will be there at 10:45. I am supposed to take Tessi school shopping tomorrow afternoon, and of course will spend as much of the weekend as possible with Debbie.

I am hoping that it will be a nice weekend, filled with healing, and the company of loved ones. I am hoping that the worst of the depression and anxiety is behind me, and I can get back on track again - even if I do decide eventually to change career paths, and/or walk away from my condo (another thing I have been leaning towards). The thing is, I don't want to act impulsively out of fear like I used to. And by God's Grace, a good counsellor, AA, and my wonderful girlfriend (as well as a little bit coming from myself, and the tools I have learned), I was able to avoid doing that. I have to remember how huge that is for me, even now. Because I REALLY wanted to run - just run and hide. But I didn't. I'm still  here to face another day, and for that, I am grateful (ok, so I am not totally feeling that just yet - but I'm getting there! Lol)

The Waterfall Effect

So this weekend was another one of those "Debbie and Emilee come out to stay at our place and Emilee throws a fit - in her passive-aggressive way, cries because she wants to go home, upsets Debbie, which causes rough times for us, and basically ruins the weekend" weekends. It was really disappointing too, because it seemed like we really did a backslide as far as the relationship goes. We went to bed Saturday night with Debbie being upset, but not wanting to talk about it. When we woke up Sunday, we talked, and it was rather dramatic and stressful, the way it used to be. Not fun.

We got through it, and the day seemed to go a little better - right up until she was getting ready to leave. She was upset again, and at that instant, Doug called, at which time she decided she was going to stomp off and leave, upset with me. I finally decided I'd had enough, and just told her "fine" and went into my bedroom to talk to Doug. Well, she came settled down, came into my room, and after I was finished talking to Doug, we talked for awhile and got back on an even keel. She said she was going to get some counselling for Emilee - which she has so far been very reluctant to do for some reason - and that she promised again that we would not go to bed without talking through things anymore. We kissed, made up, and they left. All better, right?

Not really. Because today, I am feeling down, and not just about our relationship. I am feeling insecure about work, about my abilities, about my motorcycle, about everything. I have noticed this the last few times this has  happened - that the negativity that occurs in the relationship at times like this, when it gets really rough, flows down into the other areas of my life, and I start feeling like I did when I was really struggling with the depression.

So today, I am going to try to get back on top, but so far, it is proving difficult. I decided to ride my bike to work today so I could "enjoy" the smell of the rain from last night, and my bike ran like shit again, like it did that last time after it rained. I got to work and read an email about the other new guy who works in dev (started a couple of weeks before me apparently) and how he created this new tool for everyone to use to validat JavaScript. And here I am struggling just to learn the overall architecture still and how to change the text of labels on forms. Icky.

I'm not sure what to do, so I am just going to accept the feelings and thoughts for what they are and just get through the day. I have my AA meeting tonight, so that should help. Right now, I just feel a little ill, and wish I could just go back home, crawl into bed, and pull the covers over my head. But I am not going to do that. I am going to soldier through and just do what I can do. I am the greatest developer in the world? No, absolutely not. Am I the best parent in the world? No. Am I the best partner in the world? Doubt it. I am the best me I can be today? I don't know. But I know I need to try to be, and that is what I am focusing on. Some days, it seems much harder than others. Today is going to be one of those "harder" days.

Back to work - thank God

I am happy to say that I am finally back to work, and at what seems to be a very good company. It's really weird because after going on a number of interviews (DriveTime, contract for ADOT, Business and Decision, Noteworthy Medical, Concorde), being passed up on 2 (DriveTime and Concorde), and delayed indefinitely on 2 (ADOT and Noteworthy), I was starting to get a little frustrated. But I pulled myself back together and decided to start anew the week of June 27th. Strangely though, something told me that I was probably going to have something show up out of nowhere - something unexpected - and that it would be the opportunity I had been seeking.

So Monday morning, lo and behold, I get an email from an internal recruiter for a company called Sage. I had received emails from internal recruiters before, only to have them either fizzle totally, or not work out, like in the case of DriveTime. I called the contact though, had a brief phone interview, and he said he would like to set up a phone interview for me with the hiring manager - that afternoon. I was pretty impressed with the speed that it was moving and had the call with the manager at about 4:30pm. It went very well too, and I liked the fact that the manager I spoke with told me that they were interested as much in personality as technical skills, as it was important to him to have people that were easy to work with. He asked if I could come in very soon for an interview, and I said absolutely.

This part is kinda' funny - I got an email from the HR contact, Mike Kim, about the interview, and I could have sworn it said it was for the next day - Tuesday - at 2:30pm. And I was pretty darned excited about that. So the next day, I headed in to their office off of Scottsdale Road and Doubletree Ranch for my interview. When the manager, John Perona, came out to get me, he mentioned that he thought the interview had been scheduled for Wednesday, but that either way, it was ok to go ahead and have it that day, as he didn't want me to have to come all the way back again.

So I went into the interview, and.... well, I will continue this tomorrow. But suffice it to say, the interview went well, I got the job, it seems to be a great company, it is an actual software company, and to this point, I am very happy and grateful to God for such a cool opportunity. My first day was July 11th - praise jeebus! Lol.

Latest Update : UNEMPLOYED

It seems that once again, it has been a long time since I posted anything. I wish I could say I've been having "too much fun," but I am afraid it's just the opposite : I am unemployed, and not feeling real good about my future at this point.

My job at BGA seemed to be going well. As far as I could tell, they were happy with me, and I was starting to get more comfortable with all of them (all 6 of them). Then, out of nowhere, Cindy called me into her office one Friday (about 3 weeks ago) and asked me how I thought I was doing so far. I told her that I thought I was doing well, and that - given the circumstances - I was pretty happy with my progress. Since they were getting ready to do a major rollout, Paul had been very busy and maybe didn't have the time to spend with me that he normally would have - at least in my opinion.

She proceeded to tell me that, from what she saw in the meeting we had the previous day, I really hadn't done much at all and that she had expected a lot more from me. I was quite taken aback, as no one had said anything about my performance previous to this. I told her that there was a LOT of code behind what I had done, and that there were several things that weren't even working to begin with that I had fixed. She went on to tell me that she wasn't sure I was the "type of person they needed" in the position, that they really needed a Type A, in your face person, and that she wasn't sure if I could be that person or not. I told her about Paul having been busy, about not wanting to make so many changes that I broke the build and messed up the release, and she seemed to understand me. She told me to think about it over the weekend and we could take about it Monday.

I left her office feeling pretty icky, and proceeded to go downstairs to call Debbie and tell her about it. After speaking with her, I went back up to the office I shared with Paul and was fairly certain I could make it through the next 2 hours before I got to go home. I noticed when I got back up there that Paul wasn't there, which I found pretty 'coincidental.' Well, about 10 minutes later, he came back into the office, along with Cindy.

They both came in and sat down, Cindy looked at me and said, "Why don't you tell Paul what you were telling me about?" So I proceeded to tell Paul all of the things I had told Cindy, only for him to consistently shut me down, contradict what I said, and paint it in a light that made me look like an incompetent fool. He told me that during the meeting the day before I had given an estimate of 30 hours for a worksheet that I was working on, and he explained that it was merely an "exercise", that he could do it in 4 hours. I told him that it was taking me awhile to understand the logic of it, and he said, "why do you need to understand it? There are 3 different implementations of it in the code. You should be able to just look at the code and do it."

After each rebuttal by Paul, Cindy would come back to me, and say again and again, "So, do you think you can be the kind of person we need? You think you can be a Type A person?...." I said to her, "It seems to me like you guys already have your mind made up that I cannot." I then asked Paul why he hadn't introduced me to Clark, one of the agents, on one of his many trips down to our office, so I could better understand what they needed, and Cindy blurted out "Stop - that's it! See, we need someone to be an in your face kind of person, and jump in there and say, 'hey, it sounds like I need to know this stuff so I am going to sit in'." I told Cindy that I had only been there 2 months and was trying to not step on toes, and she said that if I was going to sit and wait for someone to introduce me to people, I would be sitting there forever.

Again, she asked me, "So, do you think you can be the kind of person we need?" to which I finally answered, "Uhhhh, no? I mean, I feel like I am a defendant being pressured to sign a plea bargain here. So I guess the answer you want is no, I can't be that kind of person?" She told me that I could leave early and take the weekend off, and that even if I decided I couldn't be what they needed, that I could stay and at least finish the worksheet - to which Paul replied, "IF he can get it done." Nice, the icing on the cake.

So, after going in on Saturday to clean out all my stuff, and finding out that they had already locked me out of my computer, I went in on Monday (after another interview with Noteworthy Medical) and told them that I could not be the person they needed, and that it was probably best for me to be on my way. I really wanted to lay it on them about how shitty I thought they had done me, but I didn't. I did send an email later that basically let them know how unhappy I was with the way they handled it, and that was that. That was Monday, June 6th, and as of today, Wednesday, June 22nd, I am still unemployed. For many people, that may not seem like a long time, but for me, it feels like forever.

What has made it really hard too is that the day I left BGA, that Monday morning, I went in to Noteworthy - where I had interviewed before when I was looking to leave Banner - and met with another person there named Paul for a diferent position that had come open. Seeing as how I had already met and interviewed with Werner, and had a technical interview, I figured this was a shoe-in. But apparently, the day after the interview, their new CEO enacted a hiring freeze, and for the last 2 and a half weeks, they have been trying to get approval to hire me. In the meantime, I have been on 4 other interviews - 2 of which decided they wanted someone with more experience (DriveTime and Concord), one which wanted Sharepoint 2010 experience (Global Water), and one I am still waiting to here back on (a contracting position with ADOT).

I am getting a bit scared now though, because as I look through the jobs posted on Dice and CareerBuilder, and after all the interviews, it seems that having worked only on INTRANET sites at Banner, and not on INTERNET sites really hampered and stunted my development and experience as a developer, particularly as far as things like SSL, web services, and Http Modules go. Now, I am sweating a bit, wondering if I even have the skills to apply for the jobs I am. I am starting to question my core abilities. Which is not a good place to be.

Fortunately, as almost always seems to be the case, I have an appointment with Diana tonight, right when I need one most. And Debbie has been great through all this, giving me love, support and encouragement. I have tried to keep my head up, which hasn't always been easy, and have been hitting the gym regularly whenever I get too down and bored. Galen is staying with Alex for the foreseeable future, and Tessi has been at Carrie's or her mom's all summer so far, so that has taken some pressure off as far as buying groceries and such. So I am trying to maintain a positive attitude, be patient and have faith that everything will work out.

I actually just got a call from Keith, the recruiter at Noteworthy Medical Systems, and he said that the CEO - Heinrich - is supposed to be in Phoenix this week, and Werner is planning on meeting with him, so he is thinking they will be able to make me an official offer Friday. He also reiterated that both Paul and Werner really liked me, and that Paul was excited to get me on board. That is nice to hear. Now, if I could only get an actual OFFER. I know, I know - patience... patience is the key right now. That, and keeping financially afloat. So far, I am ok. But if I don't get an offer by Friday, things are going to start getting shaky. Lord help me - seriously! Lol.

Communication - tricky this week

This has been one of those weeks where it seems like Debbie and I just can't seem to communicate in a smooth, effortless fashion like we so often do. It has been a week filled with misunderstandings, confused thoughts and icky feelings. And considering the fact that yesterday was her birthday, the timing couldn't have been much worse. But let's start at the start.

Monday night I called her before bed as I do most every night we don't see each other in person. We talked for awhile, and although the conversation at times seemed a little stilted because Kyrsten was bugging her a bit, I thought it went fairly well. After about 15 minutes, it seemed like Kyrsten was getting increasingly needy, and being that it was almost 9:15pm, I figured Deb would be putting her to bed soon. So I told her that we could go ahead and wrap up, that she would probably need to attend to Kyrsten. She seemed to get a little upset at that, and proceeded to hastily say goodbye and basically click me off. Yyyyeaahhh...

I didn't think too much of it - thought she was probably a little stressed with Kyrsten bugging her as she was trying to talk, and chalked it up to her being frustrated. I later texted her "good night" and got back a pretty brief response from her. I thought she might have been stressed, so I texted something about hoping she didn't have too tough an evening. I didn't hear anything back, but sent another one saying something like 'hope all is ok - sleep well'. Again, didn't hear anything back. I didn't think too much of it, but it was a little off-putting.

Tuesday was her birthday, and I started off by sending her a text early, like around 6:30 or so, saying Happy Birthday. She replied, about an hour later, but it was a little short. We then IM'd back and forth,but things just didn't seem "right". So I told her maybe it would be good if we talked. We did, and she ended up telling me that she had told herself stories Monday night that I didn't want to talk to her - didn't want to hear what she had to say, and didn't care. That's why she basically clicked me off - she was upset with me. Of course, that is not what I meant to convey at all, but that's what she thought. I explained that wasn't what I meant to convey, apologized for my part in it, we said "I love you's," and all was well. Or so I thought.

As we continued to IM yesterday morning, it seemed as if there was a general tone of 'meanness' to some of her messages - one that culminated in her saying that she too "preferred blondes" after I made a reference to that old Farrah Fawcett poster from the 70's. This time, it was me who got butt hurt, and I let her know. We eneded up talking again later (I think - or maybe we just IM'd), and she told me that she hadn't meant it to be that way, that she was truly joking. I really thought that maybe she was still a little mad at me, even if only sub-consciously, but she swore she wasn't, and we decided mutually to "start the day over".

That worked well, we met for coffee at Starbucks last night and had a nice long talk about everything. We agreed that we would both work on improving communication as best we could and that we would re-double our efforts to not keep anything from each other. Although there were some rather tense moments, it all worked out well, and I came away feeling we had strengthened our relationship. Until this morning.

So today, I texted her first thing this morning, as always, and said my "good morning". She texted back - we were off to a great start. I got on gmail and expected to see her pop up on chat around 9, like usual. When she didn't by 9:15, I sent her a text asking where oh where she could be. I didn't hear anything back by 9:30, so I texted her again. I still didn't hear anything back, so I finally called her around 9:45 asking if she was ok. She was - it it turned out her computer had issues this morning and she wasn't able to get on the Internet. I of course wanted to know why she didn't respond to my texts, and apparently, her inbox on her phone was full, preventing her from texting. She explained that all, and I started feeling pretty bad about myself. It seems that, once again, the old spectre of "false communication expectations" that has been haunting me for the last several years is back. Once again, I find myself upset about something that is really nothing at all to be upset about : it is merely a manifestation of my completely distorted and unrealistic expectations. And so, I am bumming, because I am SICK of this popping up all the time.

I recognized my part in it, apologized profusely, and am now feeling pretty down. Of course, I am not happy about the fact that it is I who has the problem here either. Yes, I know logically that I am "in the wrong". Diana has told me as much many times. But it still pisses me off and depresses me somewhat. My ego gets involved, and I don't WANT to be the one who is in the wrong, AGAIN. But, then again, I don't want to be in the right either, because then she gets upset with and down on herself, and I feel responsible. It is such a double-edged sword. Man, relationships are so tricky. And even though this is, by FAR, the best I've ever had, it is still extrmely tricky. I know that I can be overly-sensitive, and it has been my experience that she can too. The combination of both can be quite the minefield to walk through.

Thank goodness, I have an appt with Diana tomorrow night. The timing simply could not be better, as I am thinking I really need another "mental tuneup," esp as far as my communication issues go. It's funny just how often the appointments with her just happen to fall during times when they are SO needed. And not by plan or anything - purely coincidentally. Either that, or it's just that I am that needy, and no matter when they fall, I would need it. Ugh. That's the one thing I really don't like about it - that I KEEP needing it. Maybe I am perma-fucked in the head. Seems that way sometimes. Even Diana mentioned something about how therapy should be seen as something that has an endpoint. I guess for me, that's death.

Oh well. I guess it could be worse. I could be getting high still and causing even more wreckage than I am sober - which, thankfully, doesn't seem to be that much. Of course, I am extremely hard on and critical of myself, and that doesn't help. I need to remember to talk to Diana about that too - the fact that I feel bad about having to keep going to see her. Seems like she had told me something awhile back about it being ok to keep seeing someone - but obviously I need to hear it again.

I'm tired, and planning on heading home and going straight to bed. I think I am over-tired and that is contributing to the way I am feeling. Hopefully, a good night of sleep and I will be clearer mentally. That, combined with an appointment with Diana tomorrow night ought to be some good medicine. Then, maybe Deb and I can get back in synch. This week has been a bit painful, and now that I am sober, I don't like pain so much.

A true case of "the Mondays"

Wow - what to say about this weekend; yesterday primarily. It started out wonderfully - Debbie and I laying in her bed snuggling for a long time. It was so comfortable and warm. Then we took a shower and got ready for the day. At about 11am, Fred came over to pick up Kyrsten. He and Debbie were talking, and he mentioned that he was taking his mom out to Souper Salad. Debbie asked him if he had a coupon, that she had seen one for a free meal, or buy one get one free or something. He said he didn't, and she kept asking if he wanted to get on the computer to see if he could find it, if he wanted her to look around, if he could find it on his phone, etc. It was all innocent enough in reality. But in the unreality of my head, it wasn't cool that she was going so overboard to try to help him get that coupon. I felt a little "left out," so I retreated to her room to surf the net (and pout). I got even more upset when I heard her ask if he wanted to go in and use the computer, thinking "Is she really going to kick me off so he can come use it?" How dare she! Doesn't she know who I am? (I was going to 'lol' that, but I am still reeling from yesterday a bit - not that part either - so it's a little too soon still).

So after Fred left, I was a little butt hurt. We talked about it for a little bit, and although I was still stinging, I told her I wanted Mother's Day to be nice for her, so I still wanted to go out to breakfast. We loaded Kyrsten up (Emilee didn't want to go) and headed to The Good Egg. For the first little while we were there, I was still a little cold, and I could tell it was affecting her. The waiter was a little high strung and pressured her while ordering, and she got really upset, started to shut down. I decided to ease up and told her about the concept of 'starting the day over' in AA, and suggested that we do so. She agreed that it sounded like a good idea, and so we did that.

Things seem to be going much better after that. We decided to stop in at Old Navy and get Kysrten some flip flops so she didn't have to wear her shoes constantly. She seemed to like them, and we headed off to Wal Mart. That ended up being pretty traumatic as well, because Kyrsten threw a bit of a fit in the toy dept, and from there all the way to the car (which was a LONG walk in that Wal Mart) she kept losing her flip flops, making a big deal of it, crying, refusing to let us take them off so she could walk barefoot, refusing to let Debbie carry her, etc. We finally did manage to get out of there, and I thought that we were still doing well.

Later, I ran home to get some more clothes, as I had planned on staying another night (Sunday night) because Tessi was going to stay at Carrie's. When I got back to Debbie's, Megan, Mike and Evan were there. To my pleasant surprise, things went very well, and Megan, Debbie and I had some nice conversation. I even played with Evan for a little while, and Mike managed to not really say anything. I was really happy that it went so well, and thought Debbie probably was too. And, she probably was -

right up until I asked her something - something I honestly did not mean in any hurtful or critcizing way : I asked her why she didn't wear regular panties. She wears these undergarments that kinda's resemble spandex shorts, and I have never really dated a woman who wore them before, so I was curious. Well, it was the WRONG question to ask - she got very upset (the quiet, hurt kind of upset) and ended up saying "I wear them because I am fat and ugly." From what she said, they are to "smooth out" some areas, and that a lot of women at her work wear them. She also went on to say that she has had 4 kids, is always going to be curvy, and that maybe I needed some other woman who could wear skimpy clothes. I was pretty taken aback, as I only asked her a question. Sure, I might have thought that there were some "support" reasons she wore them- but what I really wanted to know was why she never wore regular panties. And I DEFINITELY did not ask her to hurt her.

But that ended up setting the tone for the rest of the night. We went out to El Pollo Loco, where I had to keep asking her to sit closer to me - she was sitting much farther away than normal. There was a skinny little stray dog there, and that seemed to really upset her too. I tried to be comforting about that, but it didn't seem to help. When we got back to her place, she was still quiet and distant, and I finally ended up asking her if she wanted me to leave. In some sense, she said 'yes',  because she really didn't answer, but just looked at me. I didn't want to leave because I love her and knew it would end up upsetting her even more probably. In hindsight, maybe I should have left.

We went to bed, and it was very tense. It took me awhile to get to sleep, and her too. It was a very restless night of sleep, and I am really tired today. She was still very pensive this morning, and I got to work not feeling to good about all this. We IM'd a bit awhile ago, but I was pretty cranky during it and told her as much. We might talk tonight on the phone, but I put it back on her - told her if she wanted to talk, she could call. I'm not really sure what that call will be like.

Personally, I think she has some PMS thing going on, as I have noticed that for about a week every month, communication is treacherous. I even asked last night, but she said she isn't due to start for another week or 2. I am thinking maybe she is going to start sooner than she thinks, and we can chalk it up to that. But even if that is the case, we are going to need to fugure something out - someway to deal with this on a long term basis. If we are going to live together, I can't be in the doghouse for a week every month (and maybe it's not an entire week - more like 4 or 5 days) I think it is something I am definitely going to talk to Diana about, because I just don't like drama anymore. Of course, she has even said - and is probably entirely correct - that that's what women are, that's what they do, and I am going to have to accept that. Wow - and I have to figure out how to do that sober? Lord help me!

Gut feeling followed by strange vision in meditation

Ok, so I am posting this just to record it for posterity. Not really sure why, as I don't see that it would serve any purpose other than to boost my ego and show off if on fact it should come to pass. Or maybe it would serve just to trip myself out and to reinforce any belief I might have in myself that I have some precognitive abilities or something! Lol.

Anyway, I have had this feeling since they got Osama Bin Laden that Al Qaeda will retaliate by unleashing some kind of dirty bomb or other nuclear device, probably somewhere on American soil. It seems to me that if I were some extremist who followed and believed in him, I would be very upset that he was killed, and especially at the fact that he was supposedly unarmed. It only follows, especially given the "revenge-oriented" nature of their belief system, that someone would do something like that.

So this morning, I was meditating, and in what was a rather strange mix of beautiful sybolism and shapes (the actual mushrooming shape was strangely beautiful), I saw a blossoming mushroom shape. As I alluded to at first it seemed rather beautiful in its shape and the way that it was "blossoming". Then I realized what it seemed to be, and it surprised me to realize that even after having an idea of what it actually symbolized, it still maintained a aura of beauty to it - maybe akin to the beauty of the god Shiva, who is both destroyer and benefactor. It was very interesting to say the least, and I will be curious to see what happens in the coming weeks and months. Whatever may come, I hope that all beings are where they want to be in their hearts and minds.