Still under water

I guess that's the best way to really describe the feeling that I have now. I am not drowning as I was Friday, but I am still not back on top either. I am just floating beneath the surface, a little afraid to peek my head out, because I know that eventually I must go back under. The cold darkness of this lonely place is always there, just waiting for me to sink once again the next time I lose the strength to keep treading.

I wrote Ty an email this morning and stated basically what my beliefs are about all this, and those beliefs are based on the fact that I think some people are just "broken" - they can't be fixed or healed, no matter how much counselling, medication, meditation, cognitive behavioral therapy, EMDR, ad infintum .. they get. They - we - are just broken. People want us to believe we can be fixed, and we want to believe that ourselves. But I just don't think that some of us can ever be fixed. Not in this time and place; not in this materialistic spiritually dead society; not in this emotionally vacant desert of humanity we call "life." No, there's no fixing it here.

I have noticed lately just how many people are committing suicide, and it makes me wonder if there aren't a lot of other people out there feeling this same way. I saw last week that one of Marie Osmond's sons, who was 18 years old, jumped off a building to his death. Then there was the suicide of Andrew Koenig who played "Boner" on Growing Pains in the 80's. He hanged himself in a tree after suffering from clinical depressio for some time. One has to think that these people, being in celebrity families, had access to good healthcare and mental healthcare, right? That they had access to counsellors and such. But still, they are gone now. Andd while many will ask "why?" I can say that I know why.

For me, it is probably only because I have kids that I am still here. I used to think that I was just simply incapable of killing myself. But when I engaged in that cutting back in October, it actually felt very good, very relieving. And I have had times where I wanted to do it much more, much deeper - but I don't because of how much it upset Tessi. And that is the only reason. If I did not have her, I would probably be cutting away, with little regard for my life or what would happen. If I were to die, that would just be a pleasant side effect. That sounds so horrible to say, but damn if I don't feel that way so much of the time.

It's so funny - I get so wrapped up in finding a woman, and here I am SOOOO fucked up in the head - what a joke! Like any woman is going to want to be with the mess I call "me", and like it would even be a good idea to let anyone in so they could finish off the last little piece of me and destroy me completely. Who knows, maybe that would be good after all. Maybe I could just shut down completely emotionally then, and I wouldn't feel anything. I don't know. I just don't know anymore. I think I am broken - and I don't think there is any fixing me - ever.