March Update

Wow - as so often seems to happen, it looks like it has been awhile since my last post. I suppose I ought to address some of the "outstanding issues" from my last post. First off, I was (very happily) able to get that busted bolt out of the hole. I think it was the very night after I posted, or maybe the next one. I bought a new pair of REAL Vice Grips, went out there and whacked the stud with a framing hammer a few times, locked on and started rotating back and forth. Then, that magical moment came when I felt it give way.... ahhhh.... the sweetness of that feeling! To make things even better, instead of having to wait for the part I ordered to arrive (in fact, it STILL hasn't come - have to send an email about that), I got some advice on the forum to go down to good ol' Ace Hardware. So I did, and whaddya' know - they had just what I needed. So I was able to get the busted stud out, put the new one on, and get back on my bike within 2 days of that last post. Yeaahhhh!

Next, I am sitting here at my desk at my new job at Black, Gould and Associates (actually the 'arm' I work for is called AGB Business Services - the software side of the company) and I am loving it. The people are every bit as nice as I had hoped they would be, and the equipment I am using is leagues above what I had to work with at Banner. My PC here has 8GB of memory - at Banner, I think I had 2, maybe 3. The benefits are awesome too. And speaking of beneifts, there is a really nice sports club right across the street that I joined last Friday. Yesterday was my first workout, and the place is awesome. Tons of machines, no waiting, full facilities with full basketball court, shower/locker room, hot tub, sauna, even towel service is included. Now, I can get back to a regular workout schedule. And it's really nice to think that I don't have to work around the 'closed' hours like I did at Banner. As a regular club, it's open 7 days a week, and at hours that will allow me to work out M-W-F, which is what I prefer.

On the relationship front, things with Debbie and I have been getting better and better. It seems I am even more in love with her now than I was before, and that love is only growing stronger. We have been learning to communicate better and the amount of time we spend in confusion, or being upset, is growing less and less with each passing day. I really, really want to be with her even more - to live together. I am not quite sure how to accomplish that, seeing as how I am in a mortgage that I am so  upside down on. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to try and think of some options - and to pray like hell about it! Ha ha! And I would be remiss if I didn't say that sex with her is absolutely incredible. It too just keeps getting better and better, and she pleases me in ways no other woman has, and ways that I wasn't even sure were possible. Talk about grateful.

I guess a nice topic to wrap this up with is probably the most important of all : on March 24th, I celebrated 8 years of continuous sobriety. It is such a miracle, and an absolute blessing. It is only because I am sober that all of these other blessings are even possible, and I never want to forget that. I was thinking yesterday just how 'rich' I am. I have a nice motorcycle, a nice truck, a nice place to live, a great job - all the material things a person could want. And then I have 2 wonderful, healthy children, a great brother and his family, and a beautiful, wonderful woman to share my life with. I truly am living a dream that I never thought possible, and I am so, so thankful to the God of my understanding for all the good stuff. Oh, and I have a sponsee now too. His name is Holmes. God help him! Lol!  : )

A definite case of the Mondays

I guess I probably ought to start by noting the fact that I was offered the position at Black, Gould and Assoc and accepted it happily. My las day at Banner is March 16th, and I start there on March 21st. I am really looking forward to the new opportunity. I get to dress casual - and not business casual, but casual casual - jeans, polos (maybe even t-shirts) and tennies. Very cool! I used to think I really liked dressing business casual. And as far as the ego stuff goes, that's probably true - I think I look sharp. But as far as the laundry part of it goes, and the having to coordinate pants/shirts/shoes/socks, I am looking forward to the fact that anything matches blue jeans! So yeah, I am happy and grateful to have landed that job.

In other news, I am bumming a bit about my bike, as I am not able to ride it currently. I was attempting to take the right side exhaust off to put on a highway peg cruising mount I bought from Chad from vn750 forum, and when I attempted to remove the second cap nut, it snapped off, leaving the rusted stud poking out of the exhaust mount. I have been saoking it for the last 3 days with PB Blaster on the advice on some guys in the forum, hoping I can coax it out with some Vice Grips, then simply put a new one in (which I ordered this morning). If that doesn't work, I will either have to attempt to drill and retap the hole myself or replace the entire manifold. Any way it goes, it's probably going to be at least a week before I'm on it again. No fun :( And to think I was simply trying to add a nice add-on. Oh well.

I am actually kinda' bumming a bit today. I had a really nice weekend with Debbie (Tessi and I went out and spent the night with her and Emilee Saturday night) and up until about 9pm last night, I was in a great mood. But then I called Debbie, and I guess the best way to put it is that we had a very stilted conversation in which she got really defensive about her parenting skills and seemed to be extremely tired. It seemed to me almost like she was mad at me or something, and it was pretty damn confusing after such a nice weekend. She mentioned that Emilee wasn't feeling well and that Kyrsten had come home and gotten sick, so her ex took Kyrsten back with him. I asked her, out of mere curiosity, why the ex had taken Kyrsten, why she didn't just stay, and Debbie got very upset and defensive. I think something may have gone down between her and Fred (her ex) that left her feeling insecure about her parenting or otherwise defensive.

In any case, I told her she sounded really tired, and that we could just talk tomorrow. Before I went to bed, I sent her an email (rather cold one) stating that I didn't understand what happened, and that I was really confused. I then meditated for awhile and managed to drift off to sleep. About 11:30pm, the phone rang, and it was Debbie. She asked me if we were ok - mentioned that the email was very cold, didn't have any "I love yous" or anything and that she was concerned. I was half-asleep, but tried to explain my point. She ended up saying that she could have been defensive and apologized for it. I told her I was more confused than anything and apologized for being as cold as I was. We ended up saying "I love yous" and the normal good night stuff.

Today, I am feeling pretty bummed out. It is starting to seem like every time we have a really awesome time, it is always followed by some unexplainable emotional upset. It is rather like being on an emotional yo-yo, and every time I think the up/down cycle is starting to wane, something like this happens, and I feel like I am right back in that horrible swing, back and forth, from joy to sadness, from security to confusion. We have talked about it a number of times, and I do think it is getting better. I am just wondering if it is something I will always have to deal with in being with Debbie. I love her, and she is by far the best woman I have ever dated. I have every intention of staying with her. But if this is a pattern that continues, I am going to need to find a way to detach myself emotionally from it, or at least process it differently, so I can avoid withdrawing (like I am today) or even worse, lashing out emotionally.

Fortunately, as has so often been the case, I have an appointment with Diana at a time when it is truly needed - this Wednesday. I now have something to talk about with her, as I am really having a hard time with this. The happiness of being with Debbie is as great as I have ever experienced. But this sadness and confusion that comes in situations like this, it is starting to bring me back to that place of depression where I feel hopeless and unhappy - like nothing I do is going to change this. And I don't want to keep swinging from one to the other. I would actually rather just be unhappy all the time than to swing from such extreme happiness back down into unhappiness. Not a ride I enjoy taking.

So I guess we'll see what happens. I have to admit that during my meditation last night, I tried to focus on the impermanence of things in this world and to get in touch with my innermost self, that self which exists beyond this physical body and is part of the greater Source of Life from which we all get out consciousness. It was rather liberating too, and had a very calming effect. In the end, I know that all of my concerns, worries, troubles and tribulations are just drops in the universla bucket and merely experiences that I am having on my way to enlightenment, none intrinsically more important than the other, but all leading me to my ultimate truth.  Today, I will take refuge in the Dhamma in the truest sense of the word. And for that awareness, I am eternally grateful.

Man, time is flying - must be having fun!

And indeed, I have been having A LOT of fun lately - spending more and more time with Debbie, getting to know her and the kids better, enjoying some INCREDIBLE lovemaking... this woman is truly my fantasy girl. I have gotten to do things with her that I have only ever dreamed of. And the best part is that she has loved them too. What we have is very, very special and I couldn't be any more grateful. We spent the weekend before Valentine's Day at the Majestic Mountiain Inn up in Payson, and it was an absolute fairytale weekend : room with a hot tub, dress-up romantic dinner at a wonderful restaurant (Fargo's), morning stroll at Flowing Springs - just dreamy. Oh, and how could I forget : I gave her the promise ring I bought for her, and she gave me a beautiful Fossil watch. It was just perfect.

Now that the REALLY important stuff has been written about, I will get to another situation that's been going on - job hunting. Yep - after almost 3 years at Banner, I have decided to start looking elsewhere for employment opportunities. They announced at the last division meeting that merit increased were going to be cancelled for everyone in the company for the whole year, and that didn't sit well with me. Combine that with the 'joy' of working with Rachel on the Service Manager upgrade project, and a nasty little incident a couple of weeks ago during which Aaron found it acceptable to completely ignore me, causing even more trouble than already existed, and I am ready to bail. It seems that the entire focus of this team is now on BI.. BI BI BI BI.... and I really want to be somewhere where they value their developers and treat them as such.

So I have put out my resume, and gotten a TON of emails and contacts from recruiters, companies, etc. I have been on 3 interviews so far - one horrible (5 minutes, and "see ya"), one good one (Visionary Healthcare), and one today that went very well (Black, Gould and Assoc.). The thing I am really struggling with now is patience. I want one of those 2 jobs, and I want it NNNOOOWWWW!!! Haha. Actually, what I want almost more than the job is to be able to give my 2 week notice here. I know that sounds horrible probably, and they probably aren't even going to care, but I am really looking forward to it (they being Jennifer, Al, Glenn, etc). I am just another number, another "expendable" to them. I guess it will feel good to let them know that I won't be that anymore.

The question now is, if I get offered both jobs - the one at Visionary and the one at BG, which one do I take? I think the group of people and the working environment at BG sound fantastic : small shop, nice people, casual atmosphere (jeans and tennies), great location. The career opportunities and industry growth sound awesome at Visionary, not to mention that it too has a great location, I like the CTO (Verner), and the guy I interviewed with for the tech interview on the phone (Abhijit) seemed very knowlegable, like someone I could really learn a lot from. So I'm not quite sure which I would choose. Of course, I am getting the horse ahead of the cart here (impatience! Lol) because I haven't been offered either job yet. And THAT is what is killing me!

I am not quite sure why I am so very impatient about this. I thought I had really come a long ways in developing my overall patience. But with this, I find myself checking my gmail obsessively, looking for that one email; emailing the guy at Visionary (Keith) asking him what the status is; nervously browsing the web trying to kill time, just waiting.... waiting.  I am wondering what I can do to get out of this obsessive thought pattern. And what is my solution? I'm writing/reading it right now - to write about it! Yes, that is my solution at this point - to simply get it out of me and onto (virtual) paper. Perhaps that will help me to let go of it and just relax about the whole situation. It can't hurt to try. Although I have to admit that even now I am sitting here just waiting to be done with this so I can check my gmail again! Arrrggghhhhh!!! Hahaha!

One thing is certain : whatever happens will happen, and I will accept whatever it is. I need to remember that it will happen in God's time, not mine. And the more I try to force or hurry things, the slower and worse they will go. I need to just sit back, relax, let go, and find something else to occupy my mind. Of course, it might help if I had an actual project to work on at my current job - kinda' makes me wonder if they aren't suspecting that maybe I am leaving. In any case, I will find something to do with my time. Writing is a good start. Now if only I had enough money to do some REAL online shopping! Ha ha ha ha!

Really - it's been that long again?

I was just looking at the date of my last post and can hardly believe it was over two weeks ago. Really? Man, how time flies! I guess this post could just as easily have been called "catching up" too. To get up to speed - we did meet for pizza at Barro's and it went very well. The kids all seemed to get along well and we each liked each other's kids. Kyrsten, her youngest, is incredibly cute and funny, and Emilee is very sweet and well mannered. I was pleasantly surprised at how much Galen and Debbie visited and thought that was a real plus.

As far as the relationship goes, we have been getting closer and closer, enjoying time together, and she has blessed me with some of the most fantastic sexual experiences - including one this last weekend that I have ALWAYS wanted to try but never had - I have ever had. I stayed the night at her place for ths first time this weekend, and it was very, very comfortable. All in all, it was a very nice weekend, with perhaps one small exception.

On Sunday afternoon, we had gone back to her place, and shortly after, she got a call from her ex-husband letting her know that Kyrsten had fallen and cut her chin pretty bad and that he was going to be taking her to the hospital. Of course, I knew she needed to go, I told her that I totally undestood, and we both left; me to go home, her to go to the hospital. I didn't hear from her until about 8pm, and for some reason, in the time between seeing her and then, I had managed to feel some insecurities arise about her being with Kyrsten - and her ex - all afternoon. Now, she has already told me that she has no feelings for him, and I don't believe she does. But I still got a little bit insecure about it, and mentioned that to her on the phone. She was, as she always is, very reassuring  and compassionate about it, and that helped a lot.

So today, she sent me a text saying that her "favorite girl" stopped by to take her to lunch. And immediately, in my head, I am thinking that her ex (who took the day off to be with Kyrsten) stopped by and took her and Kyrsten out to lunch. And just the thought of that made me feel a little sick to my stomach. Again, I don't think she has any feelings for him, it's just the thought of her being with "another man", even though that man is the father of a child they share together, someone she is divorced from, and someone I probably shouldn't worry about at all. So why am I worried about it? I don't know. I guess, at some very deep level, I do still have some tiny trust issues in regards to even Debbie, even though I tell myself that I trust her completely. Or maybe it's just plain jealousy. But wouldn't that still imply some form of mistrust? I don't know. I do know that I feel pretty icky right now, even after her texting that it wasn't Kyrsten and her ex who took her out, it was her daughter Meghan, which is who I had originally guessed.

But then she texted that she had seen Kyrsten, and POW! There it cropped up again - that ugly beast that is my insecurity and jealousy. I have been doing so well too. I was really thinking I was past it, maybe even completely. But it's pretty clear that isn't the case. Now I am only hoping that she continues to be understanding, to allow me to get through this without getting upset herself, thinking that I don't trust her. I was reading back over my emails to and from Michelle last year, and the situation with her ex, who was also the father of her baby, was strikingly similar. And she ended up very disappointed in me over the whole thing - it basically ruined any chances of the relationship progressing. I am really hoping that is not the case this time, and I know that I need to find a way to get - and keep - this insecurity in check.

I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't schedule an appointment with Diana for a date and time much sooner than my next one is scheduled for (almost 3 weeks from now). It is apparent that as Debbie and I get closer and closer, those things I have brushed WAY under the carpet, deep in the back of my mind are starting to surface and cause some emotional disturbances in me. And I REALLY don't want to screw it up this time. I have already been down that road, and I just don't want to be looking back again, thinking "what the hell did I do?" 3 or 4 months from now. She is such a beautiful woman - physically, mentally, emotionally. She definitely has her own insecurities and issues - she even opened up about one (the fact that her real dad was quite the alcoholic/addict, and that it made/makes her feel like she is "bad") this last Saturday night. And I think that helps her to have some compassion for mine. Thank God for that.

So yeah, I am going to call and set up an appointment with Diana. Geez, it probably isn't the greatest thing to think that I am going to do that, or that I think I need to. I read in her handout of patient info for 2011 that her services are supposed to be short term only, that her goal is to teach people how to deal with issues on their own, without her help. So I can't help but wonder if I am violating her principles, and if I am not a little more messed up still than I have been thinking I am. I know I need to be gentle on myself though. Nothing good ever comes from beating myself up. I know I will get through this, even if I do need some help. And I have faith that I won't mess it up again this time - at least not without trying my damndest not to. That's the best I can do for now, and it's good enough - better than the alternative, which for me has always been running away. I'm not running this time, no matter how hard or scary it gets. I am staying right where I am, and doing whatever I can to ease my fear and irrational thinking. Here's to that....

Catching up

I guess it has been awhile since I posted to this blog, my "online journal." I have been posting a lot of my random thoughts to my new blog, "The Thought Buffet," but haven't included too much personal stuff. So it's probably a good time to catch up. That, and I think I need to write about some stuff to help get it out.

Debbie and I had our date night last Saturday, and it was wondeful. I picked her up at her place, and she was absolutely stunning, in a purple dress and black high heels that caused me to go full mast at the very sight of her! Lol. We went out to Rokerij for dinner, and although we got seated upstairs (nothing is EVER available downstairs it seems), we got a very private table. We ordered a 'dinner for 2' selection with filet, and it was awesome. Afterwards, we went to Starbucks for some coffee for desert. Then, we went to Blockbuster and picked up a movie to bring back to my place.

Oh, I guess I should mention that when I picked her up, I asked her if she might like to stay the night at my place. I didn't want to be presumptuous, and told her that, but I wanted to let her know that she was welcome to. She said she thought that sounded good, so she brought along some overnight stuff. Ok, now back to the story....

When we got to my place, I gave her a little tour, then we kicked our shoes off to sit back on the couch and watch the movie. Well, suffice it to say that we never got past the selection screen on the DVD before we ended up heading to the bedroom and enjoying each other completely - FINALLY. I know we had both been dying to be together, and it was so nice to finally be able to fully explore our desires without having to hold back. The lovemaking was equisite. And what was equally exquisite was snuggling that night and the next morning. In fact, we layed in bed for probably over an hour the next morning, naked, just cuddling, kissing, talking and laughing. I have never been so comfortable with a woman in my life. It was awesome.

Fast forward to last night. We met at Hob Nob's at about 6pm - which has become a bit of a tradition for us. We enjoyed a couple of hours of talking, laughing, kissing and hugging as usual and had a wonderful time. When it was time to go, I walked her to her car, and we engaged in some very passionate kissing/hugging/grabbing, etc. But just as we ended the 'final hug' to part, I noticed that her whole mood seemed to change suddenly, to one of almost disappointment or something...? In fact, when I said "I love you", she barely even replied to it, as if she didn't even feel the same. I was pretty dumbfounded, but figured maybe she was just sad to be parting as she was a few of the other times we parted. She seemed extra distant as she got in the car though, and I had a feeling something else was up, though I didn't know what.

I called her at about 10 last night to say good night, and indeed, she said there was something that was bothering her a little bit (or something like that). When talking at Hob Nobs', I had mentioned that it was fortunate that she had her daugher around, as well as her ex, to watch her kids so we could have time to meet and get to know each other. She said that she thought I meant that to mean that I didn't want her kids to be around when we were together, and that I wanted to be with her but not her kids. I was a little shocked to hear that, as we talked for a good hour after I had said that, and there was no real indication that she felt that way about it then. I mentioned that to her, and she said it just hit her as we were saying good night.

I tried to assure her that I did not mean it that way at all, and we talked through it for about 20-30 minutes. She still seemed a little hesitant afterwards, but better than she had been. I was a little disappointed that she had thought that way about me, but tried to remind myself how many times I have been the one that was insecure, and that everything was going to be ok.

But when I woke up this morning, I started feeling some real feelings of fear and insecurity. It really bugged me that she had such a hard time saying "I love you" back, and that she would think if me in such a way - that I wouldn't want her kids around. I also thought about how much I don't like the 'conditional love' dynamic, where love is either given or not based on what I do - especially when it is retracted for something I did that I am not even aware of, and that was done with no ill will at all. So I decided to write her a lengthy email explaining my thoughts and feelings on some things to hopefully clarify some things I have said and done.

I think the real catalyst to all this is the fact that we are planning to meet each other's kids tomorrow over pizza. I think she has some fear about whether or not I will accept her kids, and she mentioned several times that her kids were very nice, sweet, etc. I told her that I was a little nervous too, and that I think it's natural for us both to feel that way. But after last night, I am wondering if maybe it isn't too soon for that. I am the one who suggested it, and although she agreed, maybe it's just a little too soon, and she simply agreed because she doesn't want me to be disappointed. I'm not sure, but I mentioned all that in my email to her as well. I really hope she replies with some answers for me. I even sent her a text asking her to because I am having a bit of an anxiety attack about all this. I'm not sure why, but I have noticed over the last couple of years that relationships seem to cause me some serious anxiety attacks when insecurities and doubts arise, on either side.

She just texted back and said that she loves me, that she never wants to hurt me, and that her heart is breaking right now. I texted back and told her that I still lover her, and that everything is ok- that we will get through this. And hopefully, we will. But as I have said a number of other times, no matter what happens, I am going to be ok. And she will too. We both had full, happy, productive lives before we met, and should anything happen, we will still have those same lives. If things don't work out, I will move on and continue to grow as a person, work on improving myself, and explore other opportunities. And I would hope and expect that she would too. That being said, I do love her and hope that things work out for us. I guess, as with so many things, time will tell. One thing is sure - life is good, God is good, the Universe is good, and I am grateful. Ok, I guess that's really 4 things, but whatever! Ha ha

Things heating up

Well, it seems Deb and I have bounced back nicely from the little communication mishap the other night. And in fact, things have been heating up quite a bit lately. She has started to be much more forward about her desires, and has said outright that she can't wait to get me naked and that she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her. Of course, this has meant that I have been harder for even longer periods of time, and have been basically living with a little bit of pre-cum in my undies constantly for a number of days now! Lol. I think I am literally going to explode the first time we get together. I have never been this worked up about a woman, and looked forward this much to being with someone.

I am only hoping that I can make it long enough to actually get to the point of being inside her. As excited and excitable as I have been, as pretty and sweet as she is, as nice a body as she has, the eagerness with which I am looking forward to seeing her naked - all these things conspire to have me cum three or four times before we ever get to that point! I guess I can hope that I am able to bring her to climax in a number of other ways - ways that I VERY much look forward to practicing on her...  I have been fantasizing about - and I think this probably sounds a little weird, in fetish kind of way - caressing and kissing the tops of her feet. That, and going down on her like nobody's business!

We are supposed to be having an actual evening date, with no set time to have to be back to any kids or anything, this Saturday night. I am thinking chances are pretty high that we will get to act out some of these fantasies then. I am sure hoping so anyway. Otherwise, I think there is a serious risk of me actually DYING from blue balls! I know that Sunday, my nads hurt SO bad after we parted, for about 3 hours after. I was worried I might actually have to go to the doctor! We had gotten quite passionate in her car before we parted, and I felt the results of it.

On another subject entirely, I met with John and Ben last night for our annual "KBJ holiday dinner." We ate at Sauce and had a great time talking and catching up. I am blessed to have had such cool classmates and grateful that we have maintained our friendships long after school was over. Seems like they are both doing well too - especially John, as he bought a house in San Antonio and is really happy. Ben is still living with his parents. He bought a house, but is working on fixing it up I guess. He's a nice kid, definitely a unique person.

Life is good right now, it really is. I am just trying to take it as it comes, keep my meditation up, and be the best me I can be. So far, that seems to be working pretty well : )

Communication is so fragile, also my issues about it

Turns out I still have issues with communication - surprise surprise! Yesterday was another one of those days where I sent a number of texts and emails, and only received a couple of texts back, and I allowed myself to get a little twisted about it. Now you would think that after the times that I have spent with Deb so far, and the way our relationship has progressed, and the work I have supposedly done on this issue, I would not allow myself to get worked up about it. But it seems I still have some work to do, as I did get a little passive aggressive last night on the phone, disappointed because I had sent her what I considered to be one of the most romantic emails ever, of all time, and didn't even get a response back. How dare she! Lol.

It made for a very stilted and awkward conversation, and after just a few minutes, she asked if I wanted to let her go. She said later that she was asking because she thought that's what I really needed at the time, some space, and that's what might be best for me. But when she said it, what I heard was "ok, I don't really want to talk to you, so how about we just end this convo now." Which, in all honesty, should probably have been totally understandable. I interpreted as a form of abandonment however, as if she was bailing out on me because I wasn't the happy-go-lucky guy that she wanted to talk to.

We proceeded to exchange a few texts, and it became clear that she too had some insecurities. Turns out she has had some experiences with guys shutting her out in the past and being passive-aggressive, so she is fairly senstive to that type of behavior. Mix that with my fear of abandonment, and it is pretty easy to see how something as small as what happened could blossom into some larger, more painful exercise than either of us had intended. Fortunately, we didn't just let it lie. She called me after a little bit, a call which I missed for some reason. So I called her back, and we talked through some of this stuff. I told her about the way my mom handled situations when I was sad or depressed, and how that wasn't ok with her. Debbie seemed to understand, and even though I was pretty scared about opening up that much to her for fear of her not wanting to deal with that stuff, she seemed to be genuinely compassionate and stated that she wanted to be there for me no matter whether I was happy, sad, angry, depressed - whatever.

She opened up abour her fears of being shut out, and I assured her that I was not going to do that to her. I explained that I had done that to women in the past as a sort of "punishment" for all those women who had ever hurt me. I told her that I didn't want to do that anymore, that it wasn't the kind, spiritual thing to do, and that I especially didn't want to do it with her. It was a very hearfelt conversation, and I think we both came out of it understanding each other's fears a lot better.

As I write this, I still find myself struggling to truly let go of everything that happened, or didn't happen yeterday, and just act as I would if everything had gone smoothly. I am still thinking that I don't want to send her any emails until she sends me one, and that I don't want to send her the normal amount of texts that I normally do letting her know that I am thinking about her. I did however send her a text early this morning, as I usually do, and in it acknowledged that I can be overly-sensitive, and thanker her for understanding. So that in itself was pretty big for me. As far as not sending her any emails, and not texting as much, I honestly can't yet say for certain whether or not it is some form of manipulation based on old patterns, or if it is a mechanism for me to avoid getting resentful about the perceived "imbalance" of communication. This sounds like a very strong candidate for focus in my next counselling session next Wednesday.

There is an interesting side story in all this too, something I was very impressed and comforted by - something that was perhaps a sign of how much I have changed and how far I have come on the path that leads to the cessation of suffering. After our initial phone call, I was feeling a little icky, and I decided that instead of immediately calling her back and risking saying something hurtful or confusing, I would meditate to calm and center myself. I reminded myself that as much as I like Deb, my real intention was to find innner peace and serenity, and that whether or not we stayed together, I was still on that path and would continue to be. I proceeded to have a great meditation, and went from being upset and worrried, thinking I wouldn't be able to sleep, to a state of calm and relaxation, knowing everything would be alright. What an absolute gift and blessing that was - to be able to find that place, even in the midst of the storm.

And so while the title of this post might suggest someting negative, I would like to think that these challenges are really positives that provide room for growth, and not stumbling blocks meant to keep us from getting to our ultimate destination. And the real communication, the communication that is of the utmost importance, and the one that is really guiding and calming me, is the communication with my higher self, God, the Universe, the Holy Spirit, the Source, whatever you want to call it. It is that energy, that pool of wisdom and grace that I gaze into when I am in my deepest meditation. That is the communication that I need to keep open and flowing. Because when it is, it flows forth from that inner spring to noursih all that is outside of me as well, including all of my relationships and activities. I am thankful to be aware of this, and thankful to be me today - thankful to know that I am ok, that I am loved, that I am on the path, and that just because I encounter little bumps doesn't need to mean I need to fall completely off the path. My Inner Guide is always available, and all I have to do is be still and listen....