I was just looking at the date of my last post and can hardly believe it was over two weeks ago. Really? Man, how time flies! I guess this post could just as easily have been called "catching up" too. To get up to speed - we did meet for pizza at Barro's and it went very well. The kids all seemed to get along well and we each liked each other's kids. Kyrsten, her youngest, is incredibly cute and funny, and Emilee is very sweet and well mannered. I was pleasantly surprised at how much Galen and Debbie visited and thought that was a real plus.
As far as the relationship goes, we have been getting closer and closer, enjoying time together, and she has blessed me with some of the most fantastic sexual experiences - including one this last weekend that I have ALWAYS wanted to try but never had - I have ever had. I stayed the night at her place for ths first time this weekend, and it was very, very comfortable. All in all, it was a very nice weekend, with perhaps one small exception.
On Sunday afternoon, we had gone back to her place, and shortly after, she got a call from her ex-husband letting her know that Kyrsten had fallen and cut her chin pretty bad and that he was going to be taking her to the hospital. Of course, I knew she needed to go, I told her that I totally undestood, and we both left; me to go home, her to go to the hospital. I didn't hear from her until about 8pm, and for some reason, in the time between seeing her and then, I had managed to feel some insecurities arise about her being with Kyrsten - and her ex - all afternoon. Now, she has already told me that she has no feelings for him, and I don't believe she does. But I still got a little bit insecure about it, and mentioned that to her on the phone. She was, as she always is, very reassuring and compassionate about it, and that helped a lot.
So today, she sent me a text saying that her "favorite girl" stopped by to take her to lunch. And immediately, in my head, I am thinking that her ex (who took the day off to be with Kyrsten) stopped by and took her and Kyrsten out to lunch. And just the thought of that made me feel a little sick to my stomach. Again, I don't think she has any feelings for him, it's just the thought of her being with "another man", even though that man is the father of a child they share together, someone she is divorced from, and someone I probably shouldn't worry about at all. So why am I worried about it? I don't know. I guess, at some very deep level, I do still have some tiny trust issues in regards to even Debbie, even though I tell myself that I trust her completely. Or maybe it's just plain jealousy. But wouldn't that still imply some form of mistrust? I don't know. I do know that I feel pretty icky right now, even after her texting that it wasn't Kyrsten and her ex who took her out, it was her daughter Meghan, which is who I had originally guessed.
But then she texted that she had seen Kyrsten, and POW! There it cropped up again - that ugly beast that is my insecurity and jealousy. I have been doing so well too. I was really thinking I was past it, maybe even completely. But it's pretty clear that isn't the case. Now I am only hoping that she continues to be understanding, to allow me to get through this without getting upset herself, thinking that I don't trust her. I was reading back over my emails to and from Michelle last year, and the situation with her ex, who was also the father of her baby, was strikingly similar. And she ended up very disappointed in me over the whole thing - it basically ruined any chances of the relationship progressing. I am really hoping that is not the case this time, and I know that I need to find a way to get - and keep - this insecurity in check.
I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't schedule an appointment with Diana for a date and time much sooner than my next one is scheduled for (almost 3 weeks from now). It is apparent that as Debbie and I get closer and closer, those things I have brushed WAY under the carpet, deep in the back of my mind are starting to surface and cause some emotional disturbances in me. And I REALLY don't want to screw it up this time. I have already been down that road, and I just don't want to be looking back again, thinking "what the hell did I do?" 3 or 4 months from now. She is such a beautiful woman - physically, mentally, emotionally. She definitely has her own insecurities and issues - she even opened up about one (the fact that her real dad was quite the alcoholic/addict, and that it made/makes her feel like she is "bad") this last Saturday night. And I think that helps her to have some compassion for mine. Thank God for that.
So yeah, I am going to call and set up an appointment with Diana. Geez, it probably isn't the greatest thing to think that I am going to do that, or that I think I need to. I read in her handout of patient info for 2011 that her services are supposed to be short term only, that her goal is to teach people how to deal with issues on their own, without her help. So I can't help but wonder if I am violating her principles, and if I am not a little more messed up still than I have been thinking I am. I know I need to be gentle on myself though. Nothing good ever comes from beating myself up. I know I will get through this, even if I do need some help. And I have faith that I won't mess it up again this time - at least not without trying my damndest not to. That's the best I can do for now, and it's good enough - better than the alternative, which for me has always been running away. I'm not running this time, no matter how hard or scary it gets. I am staying right where I am, and doing whatever I can to ease my fear and irrational thinking. Here's to that....
As far as the relationship goes, we have been getting closer and closer, enjoying time together, and she has blessed me with some of the most fantastic sexual experiences - including one this last weekend that I have ALWAYS wanted to try but never had - I have ever had. I stayed the night at her place for ths first time this weekend, and it was very, very comfortable. All in all, it was a very nice weekend, with perhaps one small exception.
On Sunday afternoon, we had gone back to her place, and shortly after, she got a call from her ex-husband letting her know that Kyrsten had fallen and cut her chin pretty bad and that he was going to be taking her to the hospital. Of course, I knew she needed to go, I told her that I totally undestood, and we both left; me to go home, her to go to the hospital. I didn't hear from her until about 8pm, and for some reason, in the time between seeing her and then, I had managed to feel some insecurities arise about her being with Kyrsten - and her ex - all afternoon. Now, she has already told me that she has no feelings for him, and I don't believe she does. But I still got a little bit insecure about it, and mentioned that to her on the phone. She was, as she always is, very reassuring and compassionate about it, and that helped a lot.
So today, she sent me a text saying that her "favorite girl" stopped by to take her to lunch. And immediately, in my head, I am thinking that her ex (who took the day off to be with Kyrsten) stopped by and took her and Kyrsten out to lunch. And just the thought of that made me feel a little sick to my stomach. Again, I don't think she has any feelings for him, it's just the thought of her being with "another man", even though that man is the father of a child they share together, someone she is divorced from, and someone I probably shouldn't worry about at all. So why am I worried about it? I don't know. I guess, at some very deep level, I do still have some tiny trust issues in regards to even Debbie, even though I tell myself that I trust her completely. Or maybe it's just plain jealousy. But wouldn't that still imply some form of mistrust? I don't know. I do know that I feel pretty icky right now, even after her texting that it wasn't Kyrsten and her ex who took her out, it was her daughter Meghan, which is who I had originally guessed.
But then she texted that she had seen Kyrsten, and POW! There it cropped up again - that ugly beast that is my insecurity and jealousy. I have been doing so well too. I was really thinking I was past it, maybe even completely. But it's pretty clear that isn't the case. Now I am only hoping that she continues to be understanding, to allow me to get through this without getting upset herself, thinking that I don't trust her. I was reading back over my emails to and from Michelle last year, and the situation with her ex, who was also the father of her baby, was strikingly similar. And she ended up very disappointed in me over the whole thing - it basically ruined any chances of the relationship progressing. I am really hoping that is not the case this time, and I know that I need to find a way to get - and keep - this insecurity in check.
I am wondering if maybe I shouldn't schedule an appointment with Diana for a date and time much sooner than my next one is scheduled for (almost 3 weeks from now). It is apparent that as Debbie and I get closer and closer, those things I have brushed WAY under the carpet, deep in the back of my mind are starting to surface and cause some emotional disturbances in me. And I REALLY don't want to screw it up this time. I have already been down that road, and I just don't want to be looking back again, thinking "what the hell did I do?" 3 or 4 months from now. She is such a beautiful woman - physically, mentally, emotionally. She definitely has her own insecurities and issues - she even opened up about one (the fact that her real dad was quite the alcoholic/addict, and that it made/makes her feel like she is "bad") this last Saturday night. And I think that helps her to have some compassion for mine. Thank God for that.
So yeah, I am going to call and set up an appointment with Diana. Geez, it probably isn't the greatest thing to think that I am going to do that, or that I think I need to. I read in her handout of patient info for 2011 that her services are supposed to be short term only, that her goal is to teach people how to deal with issues on their own, without her help. So I can't help but wonder if I am violating her principles, and if I am not a little more messed up still than I have been thinking I am. I know I need to be gentle on myself though. Nothing good ever comes from beating myself up. I know I will get through this, even if I do need some help. And I have faith that I won't mess it up again this time - at least not without trying my damndest not to. That's the best I can do for now, and it's good enough - better than the alternative, which for me has always been running away. I'm not running this time, no matter how hard or scary it gets. I am staying right where I am, and doing whatever I can to ease my fear and irrational thinking. Here's to that....
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