Update, June 1st 2012 - meltdown, lack of focus, upcoming wedding

Wow - once again, it has been a long time since my last post to this blog/journal. I have been posting to "The Thought Buffet" recently though. Ok so some quick updates : GCU let me go about 2 weeks after my last post. Ryan, my former boss, gave me the option of resigning, or he was going to fire me. Turns out that being best friends with the boss does have its advantages, so Jay got to stay and I went. I was none too happy about it, felt it was very unfair, and even lodged a formal complaint with the HR dept there. From what Debi (a BA I worked with there) said in an email after I left, there was some reorganization, and Ryan was now under a different director, no longer reporting directly to the CIO. So perhaps I had something to do with that. I'd like to think so.

In other news, I did do all of the things I said I was going to do to get back into fit spiritual condition : started going to meetings every Monday and almost every Friday, bought a nice treadmill and wieght machine for the house and started working out twice a week and went and saw Diana. I have still not been meditating as much as I would like, but I am working on that. Debbie and I have been doing well, although we have had some challenges. My birthday was especially rough, but we made it through. Now, we are only 3 weeks away from the wedding.

Ok, so now I want to get to why I am posting in the first place. Over the last 2 or 3 months, I have been experiencing what I can only describe as a lack of focus spurred on by intense interest in global affairs and events that could have profound spiritual meaning. Basically, I feel a lot like I did back in '93-'94 when the whole "coin-incidence" string of events occured, the main difference being that this time, I am sober. I don't know that the events that I am experiencing now are quite as coincidental as the ones back then, but there has definitely been some synchonicity happening, and my mind has definitely been racing with a strange sense of urgency.

Now as much as I would like to say that I'm sure it has nothing at all to do with the whole 2012 thing, the fact is that I'm sure it probably does. I would be lying to say that at least a little part of me wasn't somewhat curious to see what might happen, and another part of me seems to sense something major coming - or at least that is the sensation I get. I mean, I have always had periods of distraction and burn out when coding, but this seems to be a little different.

And that is a real challenge I have been facing this last month or so - trying to stay focused and on track at work so I can get some stuff done. Fortunately, I guess I am a good enough worker that I can spend quite a bit of time doing "other" things, research and stuff, and still please the person I am working for. That is truly a blessing. I can't help but feel guilty though, like I am getting paid for something and not doing that thing I am getting paid for, which causes me to tell myself that I am being dishonest and fraudulent. And that is a thought and feeling that I don't like to have - not one bit.

So, I have tried, albeit not with a whole lot of effort, to start looking for and being open to different opportunities, like writing positions or something, that might allow me to do something I could actually maintain focus on and give 100 - heck, even 75 % to! I even posted a request on this angel investor site called "Go 4 Funding" to see if I couldn't attract some angel investor to give me enough money to write a book that might be able to get me into a full time writing career. I have been posting short articles to this open "news" site called "before it's news" to see if I can maybe get noticed there. And I attempted, once again, to get in touch with Gaetan Delaforge, only to get a response from the writer of "Mission," Patrick Tilley and begin a brief correspondence with him. Alas, he was not able to lead me to Gaetan, and after about a week, he gave a polite "we're done here," leaving me right where I started. Yep.

And so I sit here, at my contracting job at MAAX Spas, working on their Team Portal web app (or at least trying to) wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself. I ran out of medicine Wednesday and forgot it again yesterday, so I was pretty out of sorts when I got home. When I did, I opened the mailbox to find a letter from the HOA board at the condo, which I am walking away from, saying that they are doing a $2500 assessment, and that the total is due by August 31st. Yeah, nice. Then, I go inside and head to the bedroom to get changed into my workout clothes only to have Emilee knock on the door and tell me that our dog Cooper had just peed on the floor in the workout room - at which point, I came unglued, screamed and yelled at Cooper, put him outside, sprayed him down with the hose, picked him up roughly, rubbed his nose in the pee, and spanked his butt hard. It wasn't pretty, and I was pretty disappointed in myself - that I could get that angry and out of control.

I felt absolutely sick about all of it after I finished, and promptly went into the bedroom, closed the door, got my jammies on and curled up in bed. I'm sure the lack of medication had a lot to do with it, as I was extremely light headed and a little dizzy for most of the afternoon. Adding the letter from the HOA to that condition put me in a prime state for freak out, which Cooper set off completely by peeing on the carpet. I was not pleased with the way I handled it at all, and actually felt very dark, as if I was myself "evil." I layed in bed until Debbie came in at 9 contemplating what had happened, thinking back over my life and how I used to be, wondering who I was/am, who I want to be, and even meditated and prayed some. I think it all helped, as I felt halfway decent before I actually went to sleep, which is no small feat after having blown that big.

Today, I have opened my mind to a belief I used to have back when I was the total "spiritual seeker" and wannabe guru : that I am a spiritual warrior, and my battle is with myself, my lower nature - my anger, pride, lust, envy, greed, sloth. It is a real war for my spirit, and if I don't take it as that, if I let up on my spiritual "exercise" - prayer, meditation, contemplation, etc - then I am opening myself to attack from the 'dark side' of myself, or other powers or presences. Strangely, I have been remembering some thoughts or intuitions I had about this time period, and even weird "self prophecies" about 'deals' I made with God about getting to be here for this, and being prepared and my vehicle being pure and stuff. I know it all sounds weird, and sometimes I don't even know how much of it was real and how much was just drug-induced delusion.

I do know that I am sober now though. And I know that there is some crazy, spooky stuff going on in the world. I know that I am concerned I am not in touch with a god - a personal God, that I can have faith in when the times get tough. I am afraid that in refining my view of God to this impersonal, "Force" like presence, I have lost that protective father figure God I need in times like this. I actually found a post by someone on a website today about this very same thing, and the person said that now, in his 50's, after having gone through the same stages, he is back praying to that personal God. And you know, I just might do that too. I guess at this point, it doesn't matter as much that there is that personal God as it does that I feel that there is, and that someone, something somewhere is listening to my pleas and is going to help me - help all of us get through this time of spiritual darkness.

I know that I am very, very thankful to have a loving, supportive woman in my life, and to know that I don't have to go through any of this alone.  I am thankful that I am not .001% more unfocused than I am so that I CAN continue to work to provide for the family. I am glad that I have my sobriety today, and don't even smoke cigarettes, so I can take comfort in the fact that my physical vehicle is about as pure as it's going to get. And I am thankful for everything else in my life - the kids, the place, the vehicles, the friends - everything. I think as long as I stay in that gratitude, and keep praying and meditating, I might just make it through all of this ok. Or at least as ok as I can be. Hey - they haven't killed me yet! Lol

Gone for awhile, but back again

It has been quite some time since I have really struggled with any real depression, but over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling that familiar old sensation of being stuck in the quagmire again. Turns out that even though being a business analyst is my dream job, and I really like working at GCU, the personality and behavior of the other BA on our team (Jay) has presented me with some real challenges. And normally, at least considering what 'normal' has been for the last year or two, that wouldn't be a big thing. But it has come to my attention that I have not been paying enough attention to, or spending enough time on my spiritual health, and as a result, I am really feeling the effects.

I have not been meditating at all for at least 3 or 4 months now, and I used to do it twice a day, most every day. I have been going to only one AA meeting a week, on Mondays, when I used to go every Friday as well. And I have not been posting to this blog at all, journaling - I have been telling myself  "I don't feel like doing that" stories. And I had not seen Diana for a one-on-one appt in a long time - I am thinking 2 or 3 months at least. All of this adds up to a recipe for depression for me. Oh, and I forgot another biggie - I have not been working out since moving to Mesa 2 weeks ago. That is HUGE, I know, because my depression really started subsiding when I started working out a couple of years ago.

Well, I took care of one of those things this morning after going home depressed yesterday after a misunderstanding with Debbie, and her suggesting it - that I go see Diana. So I scheduled an appt for 8am this morning. Also, I got online and found a couple of different Friday night AA meetings in Mesa, and I am going to hit one this Friday. As far as meditation, I am going to start doing that again too, even if only for 3 minutes at a time to start. I keep telling myself "I don't want to take the time" stories, thinking it will take too long. So if I start small, I can move up from there. As far as working out, I am considering getting some home gym equipment with income tax instead of another gym membership. There are only 2 gyms conveniently close to where I am living now, and I don't really dig either one too much. Not only that, but because of the time it takes me to commute now, I really don't want to spend that much extra time away from home each night, leaving Tessi alone.

So I have a plan to get back on track, and I am going to do just that. I am not sure how I got so off track (well yeah, I kinda' am - the move was a big part of it, but not all), but that is not as important as getting back on track. I just need to do it. And I am - starting today, with this post. My frame of mind has been hard on my relationship with Debbie too, and with the wedding coming in June, I want to be in as good a place as possible - not all twisted up in depression.

I am grateful for all the tools and gifts I have been given. I am grateful to be alive and sober. And I am grateful to be humble enough to admit that I need some help and willing enough to do what I can to get that help - some from others, and a whole lot from my Higher Power. Thanks to that HP and all those in my life who love and support me. Thanks to those who challenge me as well. And thanks to my self - that thing I call "me" that has persevered through this life, risen to many challenges, and been willing to improve, and work for that improvement time and time again. Here we go again - but this time, we're going up again.

Update - 2012, my new position, a new place, and Tessi back home

It seems almost humorously redundant to say, once again, "Wow - it has been a LONG time since my last post!" Ha ha. But indeed, it has. And this time, because I have been enjoying life, and in particular my new job, so much. I am really loving being a BA and especially at this company, in this dept. Everyone (with the exception of the other BA, Jay) is very nice to work with, and I have encountered nothing but positive vibes (except from Jay - recurring theme here...? Lol).

About that thing with Jay - it boils down to the simple fact that he and I are basically polar opposites : I am patient, somewhat reserved, and business professional when it comes to meetings. He is impulsive, rather loud, and tends to interrupt a lot and take over meetings when he is in them. It led to a bit of an impasse last week when he talked over me at a meeting we attended - one which he was not even the presenter of - and without pouting or explicitly sating it, I let him know that I didn't appreciate it. Our boss Ryan (who is WAAAYYYY cool - one of the nicer people I have ever met, and got me a Cardinals hat for Christmas after knowing me for only 2 weeks) has even spoken to me, and him, about it. Fortunately, he sees it as it is - 2 different personalities interacting, and doesn't worry too much about it. Jay, on the other hand, seems to be incredibly sensitive, and I wonder if he isn't threatened by me a little bit. Fortunately, I am very comfortable in who and what I am, and because we are peers - he's not my boss - it really doesn't have any major impact.

Oh, did I mention I LOVE being a BA??? I was actually looking over some documents on my laptop and found a resume from 2008 that I had targeted for a BA position. I didn't realize it had been that long that I had been wanting to make this transition. I knew it had been a while. So it's no wonder that I am so happy. And what makes it even sweeter is that I am finally getting some real experience in the field, experience that I can put on a resume' so that if (and I hope it doesn't happen for a LONG time, if ever) I ended up leaving GCU, I could apply for another BA position instead of going back into development. And it seems like I have a real knack for it. I got a great 30 day review last week, and my customers (and the Devs, thank goodness) seem to like me a lot so far.

In other news, I finally decided to let the condo go and moved to a house in Mesa. It's a 4 bedroom with a 2 car garage, nice, big back yard, lots of room on the inside, and only about 100 yards away from a park. I (eventually we) are just renting it, but I like it so much, I am hoping we can stay for a long time. It's only about a mile away from where Debbie lives currently, so we have been seeing a lot more of each other, and that has been awesome. Oh, HOW could I forget - it has a WASHER AND DRYER - YESSSSSS! No more going to laundromats, and I have been LOVING that!

And, about 3 weeks ago, Tess called and said her mom wanted her to come back to live with me. I guess some shady situation went down (imagine that) where her mom and Ken went to someone's house along with all the kids, and let some 'guys' borrow their vehicle. Well, the guys were gone all day (were only supposed to be gone for a little while), and when they finally got back, Tessi said something like "It's about time - sheez!" Well, her mom and Ken didn't liker her 'embarassing' them, so they asked her to leave - which I was actually happy about, as I was not liking the way everything I bought her was disappearing, not to mention all the unsavory activities that happened over there. I am glad she is home and have been enjoying having her around.

So life is good - better than I could ever have imagined. And I am SO incredibly grateful to God, the Universe, and all that is. I am truly blessed, and if the world really ends this year, well, then at least I got to experience true heaven on earth before it does : )

Let the new era BEGIN - thank GOD!

Well, I got the call I was hoping for yesterday - I was offered the BA position at GCU. YES! Not only that, but they are offering more $$$ than I actually asked for - $75K instead of the 70K I asked for. What a blessing. You know, it's kinda' funny : I have had this fortune from a fortune cookie taped to the top of my monitor here for some time now, and it really seems to have come true. It reads : "No obstacles will stand in the way of your success this year." Indeed, there were many obstacles to success this year : the loss of merit increases at Banner; the difficulties at BGA; the loss of that job and the extended (for me) 5 weeks of unemployment; the loss of ambition for coding here at Sage, no doubt hurried along by the extreme micro-management John practices; the searching for a BA position with no real, extended experience as a BA. I mean, if those aren't some obstacles...!

Yet, through it all, it seems as though I have come to a place that I thought I might not be able to reach - a place of finally being able to make a career change, and miraculously, with no seemingly ill effects or major disruptions to my income. For awhile there, I had almost completely given up on being able to do so. In fact, I was even applying for help desk positions - ones in which I would have made half of what I do now - just to get out of coding. And here I sit today with an offer for more than I am currently making, with a great company, with awesome benefits, and in the field of education. Does it get any better than that?

Of course I realize that there are still many challenges to be faced on the road ahead. There are many unknowns that I will have to contend with. And there is no certainty that I will like working at GCU, or even like being a BA. But I just keep thinking of the fortune stuck on my monitor. It has become a mantra to me, and I actually find myself repeating it at times, reminding myself of the hope it holds. Something tells me that 'this year' is going to become every year, as I plan on keeping that little fortune cookie fortune and instilling that mantra deep within my psyche. It's about time for me to enjoy some success and be able to navigate the obstacles to get there. Of course, I don't do any of it alone, and I am very grateful to my HP for always being there for, and with me. 

Movin' on - hopefully soon

Over the course of the last month or so, I have solidified my belief that I don't want to be a code monkey anymore and taken the first steps to actively seeking a position as a business analyst. There have a been a number of days recently when I have just not wanted to come in to work, and when I do, I can hardly stand to think that I have to sit here at the PC and code all day - again. So, instead of just whining about it and hoping things will magically change, I sent out some emails to recruiters I have worked with in the past asking about BA positions.

I got a bite quicker than I thought I would and actually went on an interview yesterday for a junior-mid level BA position with Grand Canyon University. The people I interviewed with seemed super nice, and I am hopeful that I will get an offer. The benefits are excellent, and both of the directors I talked with, one of whom I would be working under (they actually have 2 positions open, so I could end up working for either of them) seemed extremely friendly and honest. I was thinking I might hear something today, but if not today then definitely Monday. Of course me, being the ever-patient person, am ok waiting as long as I need to... Ha ha ha! In all reality though, I am ok if I don't hear back today. I have a job, and although it's not what I would prefer to be doing, it isn't unbearable either.

The nice thing is, if I don't get the position at least I know that there are some positions out there for which I might be a good fit. And there are some hiring managers who will be willing to interview me even though I haven't been in a pure BA position before. I have also learned that I actually did do a lot of BA-type duties when I was at Banner, and even when I was at Blue Cross Blue Shield - I just never really thought about them that way. I am going to re-do my resume' if necessary to highlight those skills and am positive that I could get something.

And as much as I convinced myself a year or 2 ago that I wouldn't be happy in a BA position - probably more as a means of coping with the fact that I didn't get it (at Banner) - I know see that it is a much better fit for my personality style and offers a much clearer path to upper management or other advancement opportunities. It seems to me that sitting in a cube coding, I am never really going to go anywhere. And knowing developers like I do, I have no desire to be a director of development. I don't think I have thick enough skin and the mettle to do it without just hating it.

It feels good to have finally made an actual decision about this, as I have been pondering it and going back and forth for some time.  Most people I have talked to in the field have told me that I ought to stay in development, that the job security and demand is better, and that it's harder to find someone who can code than it is a BA. That caused me to tell myself a lot of fear stories, which in turn kept me from pursuing it further. Bit I remembered something someone told me along the way - and that is that no matter what you do, if you are passionate about it and do it with excellence, you will always be able to get a job. Not only that, but  I believe that doing something that is actually enjoyable, or allows me to utilize my other talents such as writing and speaking will open up several doors and opportunities that would otherwise go undiscovered.

I am honestly thinking I am going to get an offer from GCU, be it today or Monday. So I am not going to go too far into "if I don't...." just yet. Instead, I am going to be patient, think positive, and enjoy my afternoon. I am looking forward to spending a nice weekend with my fiance', and life is really good - way better than I could ever have imagined it would be at this point in my life, especially considering the 17 year 'detour' I took! Lol! I am grateful to God, the Universe, my HP, and whoever/whatever else might be responsible for the Grace I experience in my life. Blessed, I am, and my gratitude is unending : )

Revelation.. about development

So I originally put this in an email to Deb, but it was so profound, I thought I ought to capture it for posterity :

You know, I have had a bit of a revelation this morning, and I thought I would share it with you : I have noticed since I have been a developer that communication, most of the time, really sucks between coworkers in this position. I can’t count how many times I have sent out an email to an entire team – in this case, more than 20 people – and had either no one at all, or if I am lucky one person reply to it. I always wondered to myself, why is that? Surely at least 2 or 3 other people out there know the answer I am looking for, or at least have some insight they could provide.

This morning, while pondering that and thinking at the same time what a man crush BB has on the jscript guys (at least the one for sure) it hit me – no one wants to reply because they are afraid that they will say something, no matter how small or insignificant, that will make them look stupid, or at least “not as smart as”, and in this job, everyone is scared of that. There are those few people who just don’t care, and they are the ones that tend to reply and be helpful. But the majority all want to be seen as super intelligent so that, if they can’t be the “chosen one”, the one the boss loves, they can hopefully at least avoid being someone the boss constantly patronizes and talks down to because they have been exposed as not knowing everything. And so in playing favorites, and worshipping those who do things that wow them while patronizing, marginalizing and talking down to those who don’t, bosses create an environment that does the exact opposite of fostering collaboration and creativity. Instead, it creates an atmosphere of competition and self-protection where people hold back on being helpful for fear of being “exposed” as being fallible.

Big news! We got engaged. But this post is about coding - ugh

Ok, so I would be a horrible excuse for a romantic if I didn't first announce that I asked Debbie to marry me on Oct 19th, and she accepted. So we are now officially engaged. It's funny - I read that last post, and thought, "kind of ironic to be posting next that we are getting engaged!" Lol. But, to her, and our credit, we went to see Diana, learned some new communication techniques, and have really been working to improve our communication. There have still been some rough patches, but there has been improvement too. And I do love her with all my heart - no woman has ever made me laugh as much as she does, and none has made me as happy. That, combined with the fact that she is willing to admit (eventually! Lol) that she was wrong and work to improve it. And of course it doesn't hurt that she is absolutely beautiful, and we have an awesome sex life! haha

Having said that, and been a good boy, I now want to go on to the big conundrum I have been dealing with for the past year or so, and especially over the last 3 or 4 months : I AM SICK OF CODING! There, I said it. I am tired of sitting in a cubicle all day, staring at a computer screen, and typing lines of code in to make it do stuff. I am tired of working on something so utterly complex - as the current product I am working on is - and at the same time so completely boring. I am tired of having to think so hard all the time to produce what, to me, is so ungratifying. I feel exaclty how the main character in Office Space felt - or pretty damn close anyway. I am thinking that a stint at Taco Bell or Wal Mart would be pretty awesome right now.

Much to my dismay, I have been finding out that it is not so easy to move into some other role in IT, such as that of a business analyst or something. I tried at Banner, thought I would be a shoein, and was told that they wanted someone with more actual BA experience. I have reached out to some recruiters to let them know how I feel, and only one has actually gotten back to me with any real interest. I even went to DeVry awhile back and spoke to Paul, one of the career counselors, only to have him convince me to stay in development. But I don't want to! Bleh hehhhh!

Thing is, the money is decent. And the job demand has been steady, even when the economy is bad. I am very gratful for that and know that there are a lot of people out there that would kill for that - so I can't really "complain" per se. But I am beginning to think that all of that is not really as important as my overall life satisfaction is. Heck, I had more job satisfaction when I worked in the warehouse at Galco. There were days I would come home tired, from a job well done, and know that I had actually done something. In this job, as so many others, the kudos are few and far between. And when there is not that feeling of a hard day's work, and some visible result that actually means something - well, it's just not satisfying.

So what the hell do I do? Well, I am in communication with one recruiter who seems to be at least a little interested in helping me out. I am also seriously thinking about posting an ad on craigslist or something like that advertising myself and what I want. And I am also thinking about going back to school next year, and to get a masters in something that will get me out of the heads-down coding that I have come to dislike so. And, a little prayer or 2 wouldn't hurt, I'm sure.

I have faith that something will eventually come along. I have the love and support of a good woman, and the reassurance that when we are living together, I won't need to make quite as much as I need to now. So it will work out - I know it will. I just need to be patient, have faith, and keep trying. If all else fails, I might need to call in some lingering "Burrito Master" favors! Lol