Latest Update : UNEMPLOYED

It seems that once again, it has been a long time since I posted anything. I wish I could say I've been having "too much fun," but I am afraid it's just the opposite : I am unemployed, and not feeling real good about my future at this point.

My job at BGA seemed to be going well. As far as I could tell, they were happy with me, and I was starting to get more comfortable with all of them (all 6 of them). Then, out of nowhere, Cindy called me into her office one Friday (about 3 weeks ago) and asked me how I thought I was doing so far. I told her that I thought I was doing well, and that - given the circumstances - I was pretty happy with my progress. Since they were getting ready to do a major rollout, Paul had been very busy and maybe didn't have the time to spend with me that he normally would have - at least in my opinion.

She proceeded to tell me that, from what she saw in the meeting we had the previous day, I really hadn't done much at all and that she had expected a lot more from me. I was quite taken aback, as no one had said anything about my performance previous to this. I told her that there was a LOT of code behind what I had done, and that there were several things that weren't even working to begin with that I had fixed. She went on to tell me that she wasn't sure I was the "type of person they needed" in the position, that they really needed a Type A, in your face person, and that she wasn't sure if I could be that person or not. I told her about Paul having been busy, about not wanting to make so many changes that I broke the build and messed up the release, and she seemed to understand me. She told me to think about it over the weekend and we could take about it Monday.

I left her office feeling pretty icky, and proceeded to go downstairs to call Debbie and tell her about it. After speaking with her, I went back up to the office I shared with Paul and was fairly certain I could make it through the next 2 hours before I got to go home. I noticed when I got back up there that Paul wasn't there, which I found pretty 'coincidental.' Well, about 10 minutes later, he came back into the office, along with Cindy.

They both came in and sat down, Cindy looked at me and said, "Why don't you tell Paul what you were telling me about?" So I proceeded to tell Paul all of the things I had told Cindy, only for him to consistently shut me down, contradict what I said, and paint it in a light that made me look like an incompetent fool. He told me that during the meeting the day before I had given an estimate of 30 hours for a worksheet that I was working on, and he explained that it was merely an "exercise", that he could do it in 4 hours. I told him that it was taking me awhile to understand the logic of it, and he said, "why do you need to understand it? There are 3 different implementations of it in the code. You should be able to just look at the code and do it."

After each rebuttal by Paul, Cindy would come back to me, and say again and again, "So, do you think you can be the kind of person we need? You think you can be a Type A person?...." I said to her, "It seems to me like you guys already have your mind made up that I cannot." I then asked Paul why he hadn't introduced me to Clark, one of the agents, on one of his many trips down to our office, so I could better understand what they needed, and Cindy blurted out "Stop - that's it! See, we need someone to be an in your face kind of person, and jump in there and say, 'hey, it sounds like I need to know this stuff so I am going to sit in'." I told Cindy that I had only been there 2 months and was trying to not step on toes, and she said that if I was going to sit and wait for someone to introduce me to people, I would be sitting there forever.

Again, she asked me, "So, do you think you can be the kind of person we need?" to which I finally answered, "Uhhhh, no? I mean, I feel like I am a defendant being pressured to sign a plea bargain here. So I guess the answer you want is no, I can't be that kind of person?" She told me that I could leave early and take the weekend off, and that even if I decided I couldn't be what they needed, that I could stay and at least finish the worksheet - to which Paul replied, "IF he can get it done." Nice, the icing on the cake.

So, after going in on Saturday to clean out all my stuff, and finding out that they had already locked me out of my computer, I went in on Monday (after another interview with Noteworthy Medical) and told them that I could not be the person they needed, and that it was probably best for me to be on my way. I really wanted to lay it on them about how shitty I thought they had done me, but I didn't. I did send an email later that basically let them know how unhappy I was with the way they handled it, and that was that. That was Monday, June 6th, and as of today, Wednesday, June 22nd, I am still unemployed. For many people, that may not seem like a long time, but for me, it feels like forever.

What has made it really hard too is that the day I left BGA, that Monday morning, I went in to Noteworthy - where I had interviewed before when I was looking to leave Banner - and met with another person there named Paul for a diferent position that had come open. Seeing as how I had already met and interviewed with Werner, and had a technical interview, I figured this was a shoe-in. But apparently, the day after the interview, their new CEO enacted a hiring freeze, and for the last 2 and a half weeks, they have been trying to get approval to hire me. In the meantime, I have been on 4 other interviews - 2 of which decided they wanted someone with more experience (DriveTime and Concord), one which wanted Sharepoint 2010 experience (Global Water), and one I am still waiting to here back on (a contracting position with ADOT).

I am getting a bit scared now though, because as I look through the jobs posted on Dice and CareerBuilder, and after all the interviews, it seems that having worked only on INTRANET sites at Banner, and not on INTERNET sites really hampered and stunted my development and experience as a developer, particularly as far as things like SSL, web services, and Http Modules go. Now, I am sweating a bit, wondering if I even have the skills to apply for the jobs I am. I am starting to question my core abilities. Which is not a good place to be.

Fortunately, as almost always seems to be the case, I have an appointment with Diana tonight, right when I need one most. And Debbie has been great through all this, giving me love, support and encouragement. I have tried to keep my head up, which hasn't always been easy, and have been hitting the gym regularly whenever I get too down and bored. Galen is staying with Alex for the foreseeable future, and Tessi has been at Carrie's or her mom's all summer so far, so that has taken some pressure off as far as buying groceries and such. So I am trying to maintain a positive attitude, be patient and have faith that everything will work out.

I actually just got a call from Keith, the recruiter at Noteworthy Medical Systems, and he said that the CEO - Heinrich - is supposed to be in Phoenix this week, and Werner is planning on meeting with him, so he is thinking they will be able to make me an official offer Friday. He also reiterated that both Paul and Werner really liked me, and that Paul was excited to get me on board. That is nice to hear. Now, if I could only get an actual OFFER. I know, I know - patience... patience is the key right now. That, and keeping financially afloat. So far, I am ok. But if I don't get an offer by Friday, things are going to start getting shaky. Lord help me - seriously! Lol.

Communication - tricky this week

This has been one of those weeks where it seems like Debbie and I just can't seem to communicate in a smooth, effortless fashion like we so often do. It has been a week filled with misunderstandings, confused thoughts and icky feelings. And considering the fact that yesterday was her birthday, the timing couldn't have been much worse. But let's start at the start.

Monday night I called her before bed as I do most every night we don't see each other in person. We talked for awhile, and although the conversation at times seemed a little stilted because Kyrsten was bugging her a bit, I thought it went fairly well. After about 15 minutes, it seemed like Kyrsten was getting increasingly needy, and being that it was almost 9:15pm, I figured Deb would be putting her to bed soon. So I told her that we could go ahead and wrap up, that she would probably need to attend to Kyrsten. She seemed to get a little upset at that, and proceeded to hastily say goodbye and basically click me off. Yyyyeaahhh...

I didn't think too much of it - thought she was probably a little stressed with Kyrsten bugging her as she was trying to talk, and chalked it up to her being frustrated. I later texted her "good night" and got back a pretty brief response from her. I thought she might have been stressed, so I texted something about hoping she didn't have too tough an evening. I didn't hear anything back, but sent another one saying something like 'hope all is ok - sleep well'. Again, didn't hear anything back. I didn't think too much of it, but it was a little off-putting.

Tuesday was her birthday, and I started off by sending her a text early, like around 6:30 or so, saying Happy Birthday. She replied, about an hour later, but it was a little short. We then IM'd back and forth,but things just didn't seem "right". So I told her maybe it would be good if we talked. We did, and she ended up telling me that she had told herself stories Monday night that I didn't want to talk to her - didn't want to hear what she had to say, and didn't care. That's why she basically clicked me off - she was upset with me. Of course, that is not what I meant to convey at all, but that's what she thought. I explained that wasn't what I meant to convey, apologized for my part in it, we said "I love you's," and all was well. Or so I thought.

As we continued to IM yesterday morning, it seemed as if there was a general tone of 'meanness' to some of her messages - one that culminated in her saying that she too "preferred blondes" after I made a reference to that old Farrah Fawcett poster from the 70's. This time, it was me who got butt hurt, and I let her know. We eneded up talking again later (I think - or maybe we just IM'd), and she told me that she hadn't meant it to be that way, that she was truly joking. I really thought that maybe she was still a little mad at me, even if only sub-consciously, but she swore she wasn't, and we decided mutually to "start the day over".

That worked well, we met for coffee at Starbucks last night and had a nice long talk about everything. We agreed that we would both work on improving communication as best we could and that we would re-double our efforts to not keep anything from each other. Although there were some rather tense moments, it all worked out well, and I came away feeling we had strengthened our relationship. Until this morning.

So today, I texted her first thing this morning, as always, and said my "good morning". She texted back - we were off to a great start. I got on gmail and expected to see her pop up on chat around 9, like usual. When she didn't by 9:15, I sent her a text asking where oh where she could be. I didn't hear anything back by 9:30, so I texted her again. I still didn't hear anything back, so I finally called her around 9:45 asking if she was ok. She was - it it turned out her computer had issues this morning and she wasn't able to get on the Internet. I of course wanted to know why she didn't respond to my texts, and apparently, her inbox on her phone was full, preventing her from texting. She explained that all, and I started feeling pretty bad about myself. It seems that, once again, the old spectre of "false communication expectations" that has been haunting me for the last several years is back. Once again, I find myself upset about something that is really nothing at all to be upset about : it is merely a manifestation of my completely distorted and unrealistic expectations. And so, I am bumming, because I am SICK of this popping up all the time.

I recognized my part in it, apologized profusely, and am now feeling pretty down. Of course, I am not happy about the fact that it is I who has the problem here either. Yes, I know logically that I am "in the wrong". Diana has told me as much many times. But it still pisses me off and depresses me somewhat. My ego gets involved, and I don't WANT to be the one who is in the wrong, AGAIN. But, then again, I don't want to be in the right either, because then she gets upset with and down on herself, and I feel responsible. It is such a double-edged sword. Man, relationships are so tricky. And even though this is, by FAR, the best I've ever had, it is still extrmely tricky. I know that I can be overly-sensitive, and it has been my experience that she can too. The combination of both can be quite the minefield to walk through.

Thank goodness, I have an appt with Diana tomorrow night. The timing simply could not be better, as I am thinking I really need another "mental tuneup," esp as far as my communication issues go. It's funny just how often the appointments with her just happen to fall during times when they are SO needed. And not by plan or anything - purely coincidentally. Either that, or it's just that I am that needy, and no matter when they fall, I would need it. Ugh. That's the one thing I really don't like about it - that I KEEP needing it. Maybe I am perma-fucked in the head. Seems that way sometimes. Even Diana mentioned something about how therapy should be seen as something that has an endpoint. I guess for me, that's death.

Oh well. I guess it could be worse. I could be getting high still and causing even more wreckage than I am sober - which, thankfully, doesn't seem to be that much. Of course, I am extremely hard on and critical of myself, and that doesn't help. I need to remember to talk to Diana about that too - the fact that I feel bad about having to keep going to see her. Seems like she had told me something awhile back about it being ok to keep seeing someone - but obviously I need to hear it again.

I'm tired, and planning on heading home and going straight to bed. I think I am over-tired and that is contributing to the way I am feeling. Hopefully, a good night of sleep and I will be clearer mentally. That, combined with an appointment with Diana tomorrow night ought to be some good medicine. Then, maybe Deb and I can get back in synch. This week has been a bit painful, and now that I am sober, I don't like pain so much.

A true case of "the Mondays"

Wow - what to say about this weekend; yesterday primarily. It started out wonderfully - Debbie and I laying in her bed snuggling for a long time. It was so comfortable and warm. Then we took a shower and got ready for the day. At about 11am, Fred came over to pick up Kyrsten. He and Debbie were talking, and he mentioned that he was taking his mom out to Souper Salad. Debbie asked him if he had a coupon, that she had seen one for a free meal, or buy one get one free or something. He said he didn't, and she kept asking if he wanted to get on the computer to see if he could find it, if he wanted her to look around, if he could find it on his phone, etc. It was all innocent enough in reality. But in the unreality of my head, it wasn't cool that she was going so overboard to try to help him get that coupon. I felt a little "left out," so I retreated to her room to surf the net (and pout). I got even more upset when I heard her ask if he wanted to go in and use the computer, thinking "Is she really going to kick me off so he can come use it?" How dare she! Doesn't she know who I am? (I was going to 'lol' that, but I am still reeling from yesterday a bit - not that part either - so it's a little too soon still).

So after Fred left, I was a little butt hurt. We talked about it for a little bit, and although I was still stinging, I told her I wanted Mother's Day to be nice for her, so I still wanted to go out to breakfast. We loaded Kyrsten up (Emilee didn't want to go) and headed to The Good Egg. For the first little while we were there, I was still a little cold, and I could tell it was affecting her. The waiter was a little high strung and pressured her while ordering, and she got really upset, started to shut down. I decided to ease up and told her about the concept of 'starting the day over' in AA, and suggested that we do so. She agreed that it sounded like a good idea, and so we did that.

Things seem to be going much better after that. We decided to stop in at Old Navy and get Kysrten some flip flops so she didn't have to wear her shoes constantly. She seemed to like them, and we headed off to Wal Mart. That ended up being pretty traumatic as well, because Kyrsten threw a bit of a fit in the toy dept, and from there all the way to the car (which was a LONG walk in that Wal Mart) she kept losing her flip flops, making a big deal of it, crying, refusing to let us take them off so she could walk barefoot, refusing to let Debbie carry her, etc. We finally did manage to get out of there, and I thought that we were still doing well.

Later, I ran home to get some more clothes, as I had planned on staying another night (Sunday night) because Tessi was going to stay at Carrie's. When I got back to Debbie's, Megan, Mike and Evan were there. To my pleasant surprise, things went very well, and Megan, Debbie and I had some nice conversation. I even played with Evan for a little while, and Mike managed to not really say anything. I was really happy that it went so well, and thought Debbie probably was too. And, she probably was -

right up until I asked her something - something I honestly did not mean in any hurtful or critcizing way : I asked her why she didn't wear regular panties. She wears these undergarments that kinda's resemble spandex shorts, and I have never really dated a woman who wore them before, so I was curious. Well, it was the WRONG question to ask - she got very upset (the quiet, hurt kind of upset) and ended up saying "I wear them because I am fat and ugly." From what she said, they are to "smooth out" some areas, and that a lot of women at her work wear them. She also went on to say that she has had 4 kids, is always going to be curvy, and that maybe I needed some other woman who could wear skimpy clothes. I was pretty taken aback, as I only asked her a question. Sure, I might have thought that there were some "support" reasons she wore them- but what I really wanted to know was why she never wore regular panties. And I DEFINITELY did not ask her to hurt her.

But that ended up setting the tone for the rest of the night. We went out to El Pollo Loco, where I had to keep asking her to sit closer to me - she was sitting much farther away than normal. There was a skinny little stray dog there, and that seemed to really upset her too. I tried to be comforting about that, but it didn't seem to help. When we got back to her place, she was still quiet and distant, and I finally ended up asking her if she wanted me to leave. In some sense, she said 'yes',  because she really didn't answer, but just looked at me. I didn't want to leave because I love her and knew it would end up upsetting her even more probably. In hindsight, maybe I should have left.

We went to bed, and it was very tense. It took me awhile to get to sleep, and her too. It was a very restless night of sleep, and I am really tired today. She was still very pensive this morning, and I got to work not feeling to good about all this. We IM'd a bit awhile ago, but I was pretty cranky during it and told her as much. We might talk tonight on the phone, but I put it back on her - told her if she wanted to talk, she could call. I'm not really sure what that call will be like.

Personally, I think she has some PMS thing going on, as I have noticed that for about a week every month, communication is treacherous. I even asked last night, but she said she isn't due to start for another week or 2. I am thinking maybe she is going to start sooner than she thinks, and we can chalk it up to that. But even if that is the case, we are going to need to fugure something out - someway to deal with this on a long term basis. If we are going to live together, I can't be in the doghouse for a week every month (and maybe it's not an entire week - more like 4 or 5 days) I think it is something I am definitely going to talk to Diana about, because I just don't like drama anymore. Of course, she has even said - and is probably entirely correct - that that's what women are, that's what they do, and I am going to have to accept that. Wow - and I have to figure out how to do that sober? Lord help me!

Gut feeling followed by strange vision in meditation

Ok, so I am posting this just to record it for posterity. Not really sure why, as I don't see that it would serve any purpose other than to boost my ego and show off if on fact it should come to pass. Or maybe it would serve just to trip myself out and to reinforce any belief I might have in myself that I have some precognitive abilities or something! Lol.

Anyway, I have had this feeling since they got Osama Bin Laden that Al Qaeda will retaliate by unleashing some kind of dirty bomb or other nuclear device, probably somewhere on American soil. It seems to me that if I were some extremist who followed and believed in him, I would be very upset that he was killed, and especially at the fact that he was supposedly unarmed. It only follows, especially given the "revenge-oriented" nature of their belief system, that someone would do something like that.

So this morning, I was meditating, and in what was a rather strange mix of beautiful sybolism and shapes (the actual mushrooming shape was strangely beautiful), I saw a blossoming mushroom shape. As I alluded to at first it seemed rather beautiful in its shape and the way that it was "blossoming". Then I realized what it seemed to be, and it surprised me to realize that even after having an idea of what it actually symbolized, it still maintained a aura of beauty to it - maybe akin to the beauty of the god Shiva, who is both destroyer and benefactor. It was very interesting to say the least, and I will be curious to see what happens in the coming weeks and months. Whatever may come, I hope that all beings are where they want to be in their hearts and minds.

Unpleasant unexpected call

Yesterday, I was sitting on the couch watching "Breakfast at Tiffany's" wtith Debbie yesterday afternoon when I got a call that blew me away. It was a woman, and she said "Hello Mr. Wood, this is ____ with WalMart loss prevention. I have your daugther Tessi Wood. We caught her shoplifting and we need you to come down and get her in the next 30 minutes or we will contact the police." I can't even begin to describe the thoughts and feelings that filled me at that moment. I have been going through all kinds of struggles with Galen again, having to ask hin to leave because of his drug use again. But I NEVER expected anything like this from Tessi.

I went down to pick her up (I had dropped her and Genesys off at Christown to get some hair dye and hang out). They told me that she was not allowed to come into the store again without an adult or she would be detained again on supicion of shoplifting. They said that I am going to be getting a letter from WalMart and will be slapped with $150 fine that I have to pay, or else I will have to go to court. They also said that if she ever gets caught again, she will be charged with shoplifting and the police will be called. I was sick to my stomach. I just couldn't believe that my daughter was caught shoplifting. She had taken some fake nails, put them her bag, and then walked out of the store without paying for them. She had $12 on her that I had given her to buy hair dye, so it's not like she didn't have any money.

I actually don't feel like writing much more about this right now. My left wrist has been hurting when I type lately, so I really don't feel like typing much more. I will close by saying this : I am so glad that I have a wonderful woman like Debbie in my life. I spent the night with her last night, and it was very comforting. I am still pretty bummed out today, but it sure is nice to know that I have a wonderful woman like her in my life to love and support me through this. I am trying to maintain some perspective and serenity and remembering to breathe...

April '11 Update

Ok, so I have been living life and actually have stuff to do at my new job and therefore have not been blogging much. I think I have pretty much come to the conclusion that for me, blogging is something I do mostly to help combat boredom. And since I haven't been bored, no blogging.

So what has been happening lately... Well, rather than post some long-winded explanation, I will just do a bullet-list style this time :

- I went in and got my eyes checked (was having a lot of headaches and squinting a lot). Ended up getting glasses, and was surprised at just how fuzzy myv vision had gotten. And here I had been wondering for like the last 2 or 3 years why noone else in movie theaters was upset at how out of focus the movie was! Ha!

- I have been working with my sponsee Holmes, got him up to the 7th step now. He's still sober so far.

- I finally got a new sponsor myself after not having spoken to Richard in at least 4 or 5 months. I asked Rich C from my Happy Hour homegroup to sponsor me last week. So far, really glad I did too.

- Galen is back out of the house again after me coming home this week to find an empty seal that wreaked of pot on the couch. There was no big blowup this time. He wasn't home and hasn't come home since. I told him he could stay at Alex's for a couple of weeks to decide if it was more important to live at home or to keep smoking pot. It's hard to believe for me that after everything his mom and I have gone through that he would choose to walk that hard path, but it's his choice to make. I just don' want drugs or drug paraphernalia in my house.

- My new job is going awesome, and I am SOOO glad to be here. They really seem to appreciate me, and I feel both respected and wanted.

- My motorcycle broke down Tuesday night, leaving me at the Thomas road exit off the SR51, I ended up pushing it to the AM PM on 16th st and Thomas and getting it towed home the next night (Wednesday). I haven't had much of a chance to look at it, but am planning to dive in and see if I can figure something out when I get off today at 1pm.

And, most important - to me anyway - Debbie and I are doing awesome. I love her with all my heart and so wish that I could get out of my condo and we could get something together. I'm not quite sure how that is possibly going to work out anytime in the next year or 2 or 5, but I pray it will.

Ok, that's it for now. Thanks be to God, the Program and the Universe for all the good stuff in my life. And ultimately, it's truly all good... : )

Questionable role model for Tessi

I debated for a bit over whether or not to post anything about this,-mainly because of pure laziness! Lol. But I think it is worth journalling a bit about, as it is something I am a little concerned about. Over the last several months, Tessi has been building a stronger and stronger relationship with Carrie. It has gotten to the point that she calls Carrie "mom", and her real mom Sam. For the most part, Carrie has been very loving to Tessi and spent a good amount of time with. I am concerned however that Carrie is not the best role model for Tessi, and in all honesty, I don't really like Carrie that much. She has displayed a pattern of irresponsibility and an inability to work a regular job and support herself. Both of those things for me are strong indicators of a person's character, and in both areas, I think she is lacking. Still, I know how important the relationship is to Tessi, so I have let it continue. But after what I found out last night, I am questioning that decision.

As she was getting ready for bed, Tessi asked me if I had found a $20 bill in any of her pants pockets when I was doing laundry. I told her that I hadn't, and asked her where she got one in the first place. She proceeded to tell me that she and Carrie had returned some sandals I had bought for her, and that instead of getting new sandals, they took some of the money and bought Taco Bell, and put a little gas in Carrie's tank with it. The $20 she was referring to was what was left after that. I was extremely upset upon hearing this, as I couldn't believe that : 1 - they had taken the shoes back for money instead of exhanging them like they were supposed to. 2 - that they spent some of the money on food and gas after I had already given Carrie $20. And 3 - that Carrie allowed this to happen, and even participated in it. What kind of message does that send? That it's ok to take spend other people's money as you see fit without even asking them? No bueno in my book.

Of course I was upset at Tessi. But a part of me is even more upset at Carrie for not saying something to the effect of, "No Tessi - we shouldn't spend that money unless we ask your dad. You were supposed to get shoes with it, and we need to save it for that." Unfortunately, Carrie has a history of - how can I put this kindly - "leaning on people" a little too much, to the point that they actually just have to cut her off from help. It's enough that she lost her 4 kids to CPS, but worse that she can't find and keep a job. And instead of really looking for work, it seems to me she spends more of her time trying to figure out how to get the military to pay for stuff or help her out or trying to concoct other 'schemes' to come up with money.

On top of all this, she (Carrie) told me last night that she was in the middle of some "conflicting story" situation between TASC and Terros : apparently, TASC said she came up dirty on 2 UA's, but Terros said she didn't. She swears she is clean, and said she is even going to do a hair follicle test to prove it. But the mere fact that this is happening is a red flag to me - yet another indicator of the chaos and unmanageability of her life. And it is just those things that I don't want Tessi to pick up from someone who is supposed to be a 'motherly' role model. Even though Tessi vehemently disagrees, Carrie reminds me more and more of Sam all the time : the scheming, the blaming of other people/entities for her problems, the inability to work a real job. All of these things are things that I do NOT want Tessi to model.

So I am thinking I am going to call Carrie today over lunch (in about an hour) and talk to her about this shoe return issue. I would really like some kind of explanation, even though there is nothing she can really say that will cause me to think any differently about her or the situation. I also want to discuss the importance of being a good role model, and ask her what she is doing to find some real employment. I can't continue to give her money to support her driving around. The last thing I need is to be supporting some full-grown adult who is simply unable, or unwilling, to carry their own weight.

I am hoping that, in time, Tessi will build a stronger bond with Debbie, who is a MUCH better role model and better person all the way around. I am also thinking that as soon as I get some insurance going through my work here - actually, probably before - I am going to try to get some counselling scheduled for Tess. I think it would help her a lot to talk to some objective, wiser woman who could help her make some decisions based on ideas and knowledge she may not currently even be aware of. My primary goal is simply to raise a responsibly, emotionally healthy, well-adjusted daughter who can stand up to life's challenges and be her own woman. Not another "societal dependent" who is always looking for ways to have other people support them. I feel a little icky even saying that in reference to Carrie and Sam, but it's hard to see it any other way. It sounds so cliche', but I really want what's best for Tessi. And I just don't think that Carrie is it.