today is yet another one of those "super slow inbetween holidays boss out on PTO extremely quiet inbetween project" days where I don't have a whole lot going on, so I slipped over the the not-so-secret TAS network to goof off a bit and do some blogging. Christmas was very mellow this year and we had a nice time. We went out to M & K's for Christmas Eve and enjoyed some homemade fajitas that Kristina and Marsh made. It was really fun hanging out and goofing with Q while they were making dinner. She was very social and warm, and we really had a lot of fun. After dinner, we played some Wii bowling on a system they had borrowed from some friends, and it was a gas. Tess beat the pants off Galen, Marshal and me, and we all had an awesome time while she did so. I think the kids really liked the gifts I got them too - the big ones being a 22" flatscreen tv for Galen, and the zebra stripe "bed in a bag" that Tessi had been wanting. That's not to mention that I had already given Tessi her new touchscreen phone, and already reactivated Galen's phone for Christmas as well.
Christmas day was ultra-mellow, and we stayed home most of the day and watched movies. Mike and Teri had mom over, so of course they wouldn't want to invite us as well, which is totally undestandable. I must admit, it did seem a bit weird to not be around all of them for Christmas, including mom, but in the end, it was ok. Tess, Galen and I went out to Marie Callender's for dinner and enjoyed some good ham, mashed taters, veggies and pumkin pie. Tessi did mention that it didn't really seem like Christmas this year, esp. because the weather was so nice - which it was. I think that might have had something to do with the fact that mom wasn't around to take them to all the different things, like Zoolights, Glendale Glitters, etc. But I think it also did have something to do with the weather, as well as the fact that the kids are getting older, and as much as all try, the magic of Christmas just seems to fade as we age. It was a nice time though, and I found it to be one of the more relaxing ones I can remember.
Of course, I got my "gift" a little early this year in the form of the love of my life, the most wonderful woman I have ever known, the woman who has proved to me that my dream was not for naught, and who has astounded me by being everything I ever wanted in a partner and so, so much more. We spent most of the day together yesterday, and it seems like we just keep getting closer and closer, more and more comfortable with one another. Our goodbye 'session' was especially passionate yesterday, and I found myself in a fair amount of pain in my nether regions upon parting - a victim of the accursed 'blue balls' (I was trying to think of a more eloquent way to put it, but hey - this is my private blog, right? And what else can really relate that same meaning? Nothing I can think of). She is just SOOOO freakin' beautiful, and her kissing skills just keep getting better and better. She also has been more receptive to the wandering of my hands (and lips) and I just love the feel and shape of her butt, as well as her breasts - at least the parts of them I was able to get my lips on in the low-plunging blouse she wore yesterday. Talk about driving a guy crazy - yowza!
The crazy thing is that after I broke up with Tina, and had dated a few other women, I began to worry that I would never again have a woman with breasts as nice as she had. I have dated very few women my life who had even slightly large breasts, and I must say that was one of the physical features of Tina that I greatly enjoyed. Now, in Debbie, I have a woman who has breasts that appear to be somewhat larger that Tina's, and from what I can gather so far, are very nicely shaped and very soft and supple. I NEVER would have imagined that something like this could happen. And especially not with someone as sweet, smart, caring, funny and likable as Debbie is. I am just in awe - truly in awe of the blessing and miracle that Debbie is and the fact that we are together. My only fear is that the first time we fully together, I will have cum so many times just getting to the point of being ready to engage in the actual act that I won't be able to go all the way! Lol! But that's ok. As strong as the connection is between us, and judging by her reactions to my kisses and touches, I am certain I could make her come several times without having to actually have intercourse with her.
Wow - I am sitting here a little light-headed just writing this, in wonder and disbelief that this gorgeous, beautiful, wonderful woman considers herself lucky to be with ME. Talk about gratitude. If I haven't said it yet today, THANK YOU GOD, thank you Universe, thanks to all that was, all that is, and all that will be, that allowed me to meet this woman. I swear, it is truly like a dream come true, and I FINALLY know what it means to experience true love... to actually fall in love with somebody.... to actually feel the pitter patter of my heart.... and to be literally breathless at another's touch - not just because of her physical appearance, but as much because of who she is. I love this woman, and am so happy to finally be able to say that with full knowledge of what in means, and in full confidence that it is true and real this time.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Really??? No - really?
I was looking at the title of my post yesterday, and thinking of the pure irony of the fact that today, my blog is once again available by clicking "view this site now" - what the?!?! That's it - it's a conspiracy to drive me insane, plain and simple! Lol
Last night Deb and I met at Hob Nob's to hang out and to exchange Christmas gifts. I have to start out by saying she looked absolutely beautiful - as always. But this time was a little extra special, as she wore a blouse with a little bit of a plunging neckline that showed some BEAUTIFUL cleavage. Oh my gosh, has this woman got some wonderful breasts - at least that's what I'm assuming from what I can see! Lol. Ok, back on track here - she got me 2 of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received : a copy of the book "The Once and Future King" about King Arthur, and a copy of the PBS special "The Buddha" that I loved so much. The very fact that she has known me for such a short time, yet knew enough about me to get me such awesome gifts says volumes about the quality and specialness of this woman.
In fact, I felt so awed by it, that I decided to finally fess up and tell her that I was falling in love with her. I decided that would be a nice way to ease into it, without actually saying "I love you". That way, she wouldn't have to feel compelled to say it back, and we wouldn't have to get into a pattern of saying "I love you" all the time just yet. I didn't want to pressure her, or make her think I was going to fast, and I told her that last night. I told her that I just wanted her to know in case anything should happen - you know, like me getting abducted by aliens or something. Ha ha! She seemed to take it well; didn't say anything back, but that was ok - I didn't expect her to really, and am kinda' glad she didn't, as I wanted it to simply be about me telling her that.
I guess I should mention what I got her too : a Yoda plush that says a number of different phrases. She mentioned once that she really liked Yoda, and I thought she would appreciate it, which she seemed to. I also figured that if she was missing me, she coudl cuddle up to Yoda and draw on his wisdom to comfort her! Ha ha ha! I am such a card, I tell you whut! She also got me a card that was very sweet, and proceeded to tell me some things that really made my heart sing, like how she thinks about me often times at night; and how she pinches herself to make sure she isn't dreaming; and how she feels blessed to have me in her life and hopes we are together for a long time - all music to my ears and heart.
You know, I was reading back over some of my old blog posts, from the time period during which I was dating Ty, and reading how I mentioned that I loved her and thought we would be together "forever". It kind of surprised to look back and read that, because I honestly didn't remember feeling quite that strongly about her. I think I was really more in love with being in love, and kind of deluding myself into thinking I was in love with her. I mean, I did, in some sense, love her. But not in the romantic way that I had myself believing I did. I can say that now, having met Debbie, and considering the way I feel about her. Because there is just no comparison between the 2 feelings. With Ty, there were several things about her that, if I could have, I would have changed : some personality traits, her weight, the smoking, etc. With Debbie, there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - that I would wish to change.
I honestly did not believe there was any woman anywhere that I could think this way about. I thought that I would forever meet women who were "almost perfect", if only there were more this, or less that, or did this, or didn't do that, or were a little skinnier, a little quieter, and on and on and on. And then the Universe brings Debbie into my life, and there it is - the outlier, the impossibility, the diamond in the rough, the needle in the haystack, the dream made reality. Am I waxing way too romantic over this? Perhaps. Will this be yet another entry I look at a year later, only to wonder what I was thinking? I sure hope not. And could this woman be her - could she be the one I have always hoped and prayed for? It's sure looking that way.... it's sure looking that way.
Last night Deb and I met at Hob Nob's to hang out and to exchange Christmas gifts. I have to start out by saying she looked absolutely beautiful - as always. But this time was a little extra special, as she wore a blouse with a little bit of a plunging neckline that showed some BEAUTIFUL cleavage. Oh my gosh, has this woman got some wonderful breasts - at least that's what I'm assuming from what I can see! Lol. Ok, back on track here - she got me 2 of the most thoughtful gifts I have ever received : a copy of the book "The Once and Future King" about King Arthur, and a copy of the PBS special "The Buddha" that I loved so much. The very fact that she has known me for such a short time, yet knew enough about me to get me such awesome gifts says volumes about the quality and specialness of this woman.
In fact, I felt so awed by it, that I decided to finally fess up and tell her that I was falling in love with her. I decided that would be a nice way to ease into it, without actually saying "I love you". That way, she wouldn't have to feel compelled to say it back, and we wouldn't have to get into a pattern of saying "I love you" all the time just yet. I didn't want to pressure her, or make her think I was going to fast, and I told her that last night. I told her that I just wanted her to know in case anything should happen - you know, like me getting abducted by aliens or something. Ha ha! She seemed to take it well; didn't say anything back, but that was ok - I didn't expect her to really, and am kinda' glad she didn't, as I wanted it to simply be about me telling her that.
I guess I should mention what I got her too : a Yoda plush that says a number of different phrases. She mentioned once that she really liked Yoda, and I thought she would appreciate it, which she seemed to. I also figured that if she was missing me, she coudl cuddle up to Yoda and draw on his wisdom to comfort her! Ha ha ha! I am such a card, I tell you whut! She also got me a card that was very sweet, and proceeded to tell me some things that really made my heart sing, like how she thinks about me often times at night; and how she pinches herself to make sure she isn't dreaming; and how she feels blessed to have me in her life and hopes we are together for a long time - all music to my ears and heart.
You know, I was reading back over some of my old blog posts, from the time period during which I was dating Ty, and reading how I mentioned that I loved her and thought we would be together "forever". It kind of surprised to look back and read that, because I honestly didn't remember feeling quite that strongly about her. I think I was really more in love with being in love, and kind of deluding myself into thinking I was in love with her. I mean, I did, in some sense, love her. But not in the romantic way that I had myself believing I did. I can say that now, having met Debbie, and considering the way I feel about her. Because there is just no comparison between the 2 feelings. With Ty, there were several things about her that, if I could have, I would have changed : some personality traits, her weight, the smoking, etc. With Debbie, there is nothing - and I mean NOTHING - that I would wish to change.
I honestly did not believe there was any woman anywhere that I could think this way about. I thought that I would forever meet women who were "almost perfect", if only there were more this, or less that, or did this, or didn't do that, or were a little skinnier, a little quieter, and on and on and on. And then the Universe brings Debbie into my life, and there it is - the outlier, the impossibility, the diamond in the rough, the needle in the haystack, the dream made reality. Am I waxing way too romantic over this? Perhaps. Will this be yet another entry I look at a year later, only to wonder what I was thinking? I sure hope not. And could this woman be her - could she be the one I have always hoped and prayed for? It's sure looking that way.... it's sure looking that way.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Yaaayyyy! I can get to my blog again! (oh yeah - and other updates...)
Wow, what do you know - I can access my blog again at work without having to bypass the web filter by clicking "View this site now." Yaaayyyy! I know, I know - it probably isn't the most productive or ethical thing for me to be blogging at work. But, I look at it like this : according to the state of Arizona labor laws, a person who works 8 hours is entitled to two 15 minute breaks in addition to lunch (and I know this is true from having done a little factory/warehouse work in my past). And, in the past, I would have taken these perdiods to smoke a cig. It's just that now, instead of smoking a cig (I quit New Year's Eve of 2006), I blog. How's that for a good rationalization/justification - written like a true addict! Haha
Ok - we all know what the big story is - Debbie, and how awesome things are going with her. And I must say, they really are going wonderfully. We are meeting tonight at Hob Nob's to exhange gifts and I SOOO looking forward to it. I think it is fair to say that we keep getting closer and closer, and when we parted Sunday, I could really sense that she did not want to - perhaps ever. We have talked about getting the kids together to meet, and I am hoping we can arrange that soon, as we both are quite certain that we want to be with the other for a long, long time to come. I am about 99.999999999864% certain that I am going to end up asking her to marry me. It's just a matter of time.
I am still in awe at just how perfectly she matches my "wish list: for a woman, right down to the milky white skin, ample breasts, and nice feet and hands! (yes, I know I am a bit of a freak in those respects, but hey - we ARE talking dream woman here! Lol). She has beautiful eyes, and every time we are out, I catch guys looking at her. How could they not? She's absolutely beautiful. Wow, I am just so tripped out to think I am with her. And the thing that is just increible truly unbelievable, is the fact that she is so humble - and genuinely so, not like she has to put on some front that she is. Sheez, I really hope I didn't croak a couple of weeks ago, and now I am living in my own little "Matrix world", while all the while my body is in some hospital room somewhere! But hey, if it is, give me the red pill, cuz I want to stay in this dream for the duration! haha
In other news, I have been incredibly lazy at work over the last week or 2. But in all fairness, at this time of year, that is typically the status quo - at least in my dept. I don't think anyone really wants to be here, and there is much more visiting and "merriment" than normally goes on. Fortunately, I don't really have any major projects working right now anyway, so being a slug fits into the current schedule very nicely indeed!
The kids have been doing very well. Galen has gone for over a month now without generating any calls from the school to me - woo hoo! On top of that, he has been respectful and loving at home too. Tessi has been doing well, as usual, and spending a lot of time away from home at either Kk's, or Clarice's. Galen is spending this week at his friend Alex's, so I am getting some awesome "kid-free" time - quite a bit as of late. And it's perfect timing too, as it is allowing Deb and I to meet fairly often and really get to know each other. It really seems that all is in a state of total harmony right now - Thank GOD!
And I will close with that : Thank God, for everything; for the kids being happy and healthy; for me being healthy and happy; for Debbie coming into my life; for Marshal and Kristina and Qbert being healthy and happy; for Kristina being pregnant again, with a boy AND girl this time; for family, friends, a good job, a roof over our heads, food to eat and clothes to wear. My prayer is that all who are suffering this Christmas be relieved of their suffering, and that all those who are able to assist in producing that end do so, and in the most effective, efficient, and loving manner possible. To all the world, solar system, galaxy, and entire Universe, I send Blessings of Love and Harmony....
Ok - we all know what the big story is - Debbie, and how awesome things are going with her. And I must say, they really are going wonderfully. We are meeting tonight at Hob Nob's to exhange gifts and I SOOO looking forward to it. I think it is fair to say that we keep getting closer and closer, and when we parted Sunday, I could really sense that she did not want to - perhaps ever. We have talked about getting the kids together to meet, and I am hoping we can arrange that soon, as we both are quite certain that we want to be with the other for a long, long time to come. I am about 99.999999999864% certain that I am going to end up asking her to marry me. It's just a matter of time.
I am still in awe at just how perfectly she matches my "wish list: for a woman, right down to the milky white skin, ample breasts, and nice feet and hands! (yes, I know I am a bit of a freak in those respects, but hey - we ARE talking dream woman here! Lol). She has beautiful eyes, and every time we are out, I catch guys looking at her. How could they not? She's absolutely beautiful. Wow, I am just so tripped out to think I am with her. And the thing that is just increible truly unbelievable, is the fact that she is so humble - and genuinely so, not like she has to put on some front that she is. Sheez, I really hope I didn't croak a couple of weeks ago, and now I am living in my own little "Matrix world", while all the while my body is in some hospital room somewhere! But hey, if it is, give me the red pill, cuz I want to stay in this dream for the duration! haha
In other news, I have been incredibly lazy at work over the last week or 2. But in all fairness, at this time of year, that is typically the status quo - at least in my dept. I don't think anyone really wants to be here, and there is much more visiting and "merriment" than normally goes on. Fortunately, I don't really have any major projects working right now anyway, so being a slug fits into the current schedule very nicely indeed!
The kids have been doing very well. Galen has gone for over a month now without generating any calls from the school to me - woo hoo! On top of that, he has been respectful and loving at home too. Tessi has been doing well, as usual, and spending a lot of time away from home at either Kk's, or Clarice's. Galen is spending this week at his friend Alex's, so I am getting some awesome "kid-free" time - quite a bit as of late. And it's perfect timing too, as it is allowing Deb and I to meet fairly often and really get to know each other. It really seems that all is in a state of total harmony right now - Thank GOD!
And I will close with that : Thank God, for everything; for the kids being happy and healthy; for me being healthy and happy; for Debbie coming into my life; for Marshal and Kristina and Qbert being healthy and happy; for Kristina being pregnant again, with a boy AND girl this time; for family, friends, a good job, a roof over our heads, food to eat and clothes to wear. My prayer is that all who are suffering this Christmas be relieved of their suffering, and that all those who are able to assist in producing that end do so, and in the most effective, efficient, and loving manner possible. To all the world, solar system, galaxy, and entire Universe, I send Blessings of Love and Harmony....
Friday, December 17, 2010
GOTTA' say it somewhere
I just have to say this somewhere, so I am saying it here, loud and clear : I AM TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH DEBBIE!!! Like head over heels, can't stop thinking about her, she has everything mentally AND physically I have ever wanted, have literally felt like I am in a romantic comedy in love. Last night, we met at Borders again, and I can honestly say that there were things that happened that were so awesome - I mean things that could only (or so I thought) happen in one of those movies. The best one of those was when we were kissing goodbye, and we had started to walk away from each other for the third or fourth ot fifth time, and all of a sudden, she turned back, ran towards me, and literally jumped on me! It was so, so - awesome! It wasn't some lustful type jump, but more of a "I'm crazy about you and don't want to let you go" type of jump. She even smacked my face a little on accident, and I said something that sounded totally like out of a movie; I said "Girl you are crazy! And as long as you are crazy about me, it's all good" or something like that.
It was EVERYTHING I could do to not tell her that I loved her. Every time we were kissing, and I looked into her eyes, I felt compelled to say it. But I displayed a discipline I never have and avoided saying it. Now I am sitting here wondering if I really accomplished anything by not telling her - by going against my natural impulses to such a degree. I am fairly certain she knows already, but still... I am thinking that I will probably wait until after I have met her kids and she has met mine before I actually say it. I honestly don't think that will make any difference, and I really hope it won't. But I want to be very genuine when I say it, and I want to make sure that there is absolutely zero chance that things will not work out for some reason. I want it to be real, right, and as close to perfect as possible. (shout out to my friend Mikey for giving some good advice about that too.)
I asked her where she saw our relationship going, and she said she really didn't think like that, that she lives in the moment pretty much. I agreed, and like the fact that she thinks like that. I brought up the idea of meeting each other's kids, as I thought it was probably the next "step" in the progression of our relationship. She said she didn't really have any set ideas on how long to wait and said she would be ok with it. I mentioned that I would like to set something up soon where we could all meet, and she thought that sounded good. I also mentioned that I wanted to take her on an actual "date" - one when neither of us had to be back by any certain time so we could just totally relax and spend as much time together as possible. Again, she was in agreeance, and it sounds like we are going to do that on the night of January 1st. How appropriate too : the first actualy night of a new year, starting it together. Again, cue the lights and roll the tape - the movie magic continues! Lol
I keep trying to think about what was so magical about November 28th, 2010 - the first day we met. I mean, numerologically speaking, it was not particularly special. I don't think my horoscope said anything about 'today you will meet up with the girl of your dreams.' I don't even remember getting any good fortune cookies that may have alluded to it. And maybe that is what was so special about it - that there was nothing singular about that day except for the fact that we met for the first time. So that day can be our day, with no other outside meanings or associations. It's the day we first met face to face, and that alone makes it a very, very special and singular day in the history of "Deb and Kev". Man, I like the sound of that - so much. She sent me a text this morning that said she feels very lucky that I am her guy - and I feel so incredibly lucky to have someone, and not just anyone, but my dream girl, say that about me. Someone pinch me... NO - WAIT - not yet; this is one dream I don't want to wake up from... ever. ♥
It was EVERYTHING I could do to not tell her that I loved her. Every time we were kissing, and I looked into her eyes, I felt compelled to say it. But I displayed a discipline I never have and avoided saying it. Now I am sitting here wondering if I really accomplished anything by not telling her - by going against my natural impulses to such a degree. I am fairly certain she knows already, but still... I am thinking that I will probably wait until after I have met her kids and she has met mine before I actually say it. I honestly don't think that will make any difference, and I really hope it won't. But I want to be very genuine when I say it, and I want to make sure that there is absolutely zero chance that things will not work out for some reason. I want it to be real, right, and as close to perfect as possible. (shout out to my friend Mikey for giving some good advice about that too.)
I asked her where she saw our relationship going, and she said she really didn't think like that, that she lives in the moment pretty much. I agreed, and like the fact that she thinks like that. I brought up the idea of meeting each other's kids, as I thought it was probably the next "step" in the progression of our relationship. She said she didn't really have any set ideas on how long to wait and said she would be ok with it. I mentioned that I would like to set something up soon where we could all meet, and she thought that sounded good. I also mentioned that I wanted to take her on an actual "date" - one when neither of us had to be back by any certain time so we could just totally relax and spend as much time together as possible. Again, she was in agreeance, and it sounds like we are going to do that on the night of January 1st. How appropriate too : the first actualy night of a new year, starting it together. Again, cue the lights and roll the tape - the movie magic continues! Lol
I keep trying to think about what was so magical about November 28th, 2010 - the first day we met. I mean, numerologically speaking, it was not particularly special. I don't think my horoscope said anything about 'today you will meet up with the girl of your dreams.' I don't even remember getting any good fortune cookies that may have alluded to it. And maybe that is what was so special about it - that there was nothing singular about that day except for the fact that we met for the first time. So that day can be our day, with no other outside meanings or associations. It's the day we first met face to face, and that alone makes it a very, very special and singular day in the history of "Deb and Kev". Man, I like the sound of that - so much. She sent me a text this morning that said she feels very lucky that I am her guy - and I feel so incredibly lucky to have someone, and not just anyone, but my dream girl, say that about me. Someone pinch me... NO - WAIT - not yet; this is one dream I don't want to wake up from... ever. ♥
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Obstacle succesfully navigated - back on track
Wow. I just re-read my post from yesterday, and was very impressed by the level-headedness of it, especially considering how icky I was feeling at the time. I guess that has really been the crux of almost all of the therapy I have been working on/with/through over the last couple of years - recognizing those irrational thoughts and being able to counter them, even while feeling the emotions and physical reactions they trigger. Yesterday was a pretty good example of that. And even though I did send the one email that was a tidbit harsher than I might have liked, and I did get a little passive aggressive by not sending her any texts for the rest of the day, I didn't do anything else that I would have regretted.
Around 7pm last night, as I was finishing throwing a few loads of laundry in the washers, I thought I ought to give her a call and let her know that she didn't need to apologize; that she had done nothing wrong; that it was me who needed to apologize; and that it was me who had issues with communication. Funny thing, just as she answered the phone and we started talking, I got a text that she had apparently just sent asking if we were ok. I must have been picking up on her vibes. That was pretty cool.
We had a nice, long talk, during which I pretty much self-disclosed everything about my communication issues, my insecurity, my unwillingness to let women all the way in for fear of being hurt - the whole nine yards. I was a little afraid at first, as she did sound pretty upset at the outset. I was picturing another situation like the one with Michelle - where I had pretty much hosed myself, and it was "over". But we were able to talk through a lot of things, and in the end, came out with a better understanding of each other.
Turns out she dated a guy 5 or 6 years ago who also suffered from depression. He ended up being very passive aggressive with her, and went so far as to not contact her for weeks on end. After that, and her deciding to end the relationship, he ended up stalking her. She prefaced this story by saying she had a question, and when she was done, I asked her "So what is the question - if I am going to stalk you?" I think she was a little taken aback by that, and sounded almost regretful or frightened for having told the story. But I reassured her that I would never stalk her - that's never been my MO. And I also reassured her that I am living a fairly balanced life today. If things happened to not work out with her, I would be ok - I would move on, and I would expect that she would do the same.
I think she really appreciated that, and while I was a bit scared going in that she would really be turned off when I told her a little about my insecurities, I think it actually endeared me to her a bit. I think she liked the fact that I was honest, and could be vulnerable with her. She actually sent a text later last night saying that each day she liked me "a little more than the day before". I thought that was really sweet.
So it seems that : A - I really am growing and improving as a person. B - she really is a sweet, caring woman who is willing to offer some true understanding. C - we have a dynamic between us that allows us to talk through issues. D - I am really, truly starting to fall for her. And, E - I think she is falling for me too.
I am currently struggling with wanting to tell her that I am falling in love with her, but not wanting to rush things. Part of me is dying to tell her, as that is what I truly think inside. But another part of me wants to be more careful - more rational and patient, and wait until we have been together longer and met each other's kids and such. At this point, I think the rational side is more in charge, and for me, that's a good thing. Who knows - maybe this time I'll actually get it right. Wouldn't that be something.... : )
Around 7pm last night, as I was finishing throwing a few loads of laundry in the washers, I thought I ought to give her a call and let her know that she didn't need to apologize; that she had done nothing wrong; that it was me who needed to apologize; and that it was me who had issues with communication. Funny thing, just as she answered the phone and we started talking, I got a text that she had apparently just sent asking if we were ok. I must have been picking up on her vibes. That was pretty cool.
We had a nice, long talk, during which I pretty much self-disclosed everything about my communication issues, my insecurity, my unwillingness to let women all the way in for fear of being hurt - the whole nine yards. I was a little afraid at first, as she did sound pretty upset at the outset. I was picturing another situation like the one with Michelle - where I had pretty much hosed myself, and it was "over". But we were able to talk through a lot of things, and in the end, came out with a better understanding of each other.
Turns out she dated a guy 5 or 6 years ago who also suffered from depression. He ended up being very passive aggressive with her, and went so far as to not contact her for weeks on end. After that, and her deciding to end the relationship, he ended up stalking her. She prefaced this story by saying she had a question, and when she was done, I asked her "So what is the question - if I am going to stalk you?" I think she was a little taken aback by that, and sounded almost regretful or frightened for having told the story. But I reassured her that I would never stalk her - that's never been my MO. And I also reassured her that I am living a fairly balanced life today. If things happened to not work out with her, I would be ok - I would move on, and I would expect that she would do the same.
I think she really appreciated that, and while I was a bit scared going in that she would really be turned off when I told her a little about my insecurities, I think it actually endeared me to her a bit. I think she liked the fact that I was honest, and could be vulnerable with her. She actually sent a text later last night saying that each day she liked me "a little more than the day before". I thought that was really sweet.
So it seems that : A - I really am growing and improving as a person. B - she really is a sweet, caring woman who is willing to offer some true understanding. C - we have a dynamic between us that allows us to talk through issues. D - I am really, truly starting to fall for her. And, E - I think she is falling for me too.
I am currently struggling with wanting to tell her that I am falling in love with her, but not wanting to rush things. Part of me is dying to tell her, as that is what I truly think inside. But another part of me wants to be more careful - more rational and patient, and wait until we have been together longer and met each other's kids and such. At this point, I think the rational side is more in charge, and for me, that's a good thing. Who knows - maybe this time I'll actually get it right. Wouldn't that be something.... : )
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Yet....? Uh oh - first bumps in this new road
Ealier today I was thinking about writing another post, but thought it would be rather redundant to just say again "things are wonderful." And it's probably a good thing I didn't, as I now have something much more interesting to write about.
I started the day off as I normally do, sending a text to Debbie pretty early this morning - about 7am. It was super sweet, saying something to the effect of "every day is brighter with you in it." I didn't hear anyhting back from her, so I sent her another one arounf 8:40am saying I was thinking about her. An hour later, I still hadn't heard anything from her. At that point, I was a little concerned, but told myself she was probably really busy. Then, at approx. 10am, I got a text from her saying "Good morning". It was a bit of a relief, but I must admit, I was a little disappointed. And herein is the crux of my real issue in relationships.
See, whenever I send someone an email or text, I have unknowingly assigned certain expectations to that act dictating how I am going to feel if they don't reply at all, if they do and it doesn't meet up to my "standards", if they do and it does, or even if they do and it exceeds my standards. Up to this point, I have done exceptionally well in sending off texts to Deb, and just letting go completely, not worrying about when, or if I get a reply back - or so I thought anyway. Because it is pretty obvious from the way I feel right now that I hadn't completely let go. Now I am having that shortness of breath, that tightening of the chest, and that panicky feeling I always get when I think that I am being 'cast off'.
The thing is, I'm almost certain that is not the case. She sent an email around 1pm and stated exaclty what I had suspected - that she had been really busy, that her daughter forgot a project at home, that she had to rush to get to work on time and that when she got there, she had to jump right in. But she also mentioned something about her boss, something about her telling him when he razzed her about being late "you're luck I got dressed," and some joking references made to the innuendo. Now this isn't the first time she's mentioned her boss, and in fact, she has mentioned their teasing/joking relationship several times. And while I am almost positive it is entirely platonic, given the context of the email and the way I was thinking, it kinda' hit me wrong - made me feel a little icky.
So now I am sitting here, feeling a little ill, having thoughts that this guy is flirting with her constantly, thoughts that maybe I'm not secure enough to deal with a situation like this, thoughts that if I mention something more about this (I said something about it in my reply email) she will get upset or think I am insecure, thoughts that cause a lot of discomfort. And what am I to do with all these thoughts? How do I get back to being happy, content, and relaxed? What do I tell myself to get past this fear and dread of losing someone I haven't even "gotten" yet?
I'll tell you/me how : I remember the fact that I was emailing 2 or 3 other women when I met Debbie, all of whom seemed like they had potential. I remind myself that if telling her how this makes me feel causes her to like me less or not want to be with me, than she's simply not the one for me. I reassure myself that I am a great guy, a great catch, and that I am not the only person in the world who has some insecurity to deal with. Just because I can be a little insecure does not mean I am undateable or unlovable. And it doesn't mean that she is going to want to end things.
Of course, if I go to my passive aggressive ignore her or be quiet now type thing like I have done with other women, that could very well come about. And that is what I am trying to avoid this time : I am trying to calm myself, to tell myself comforting stories, to ease my mind and to breathe - to remember how I have messed things up in the past with other women because of my self-delusions. I am reminding myself to just breathe - just breathe......
I started the day off as I normally do, sending a text to Debbie pretty early this morning - about 7am. It was super sweet, saying something to the effect of "every day is brighter with you in it." I didn't hear anyhting back from her, so I sent her another one arounf 8:40am saying I was thinking about her. An hour later, I still hadn't heard anything from her. At that point, I was a little concerned, but told myself she was probably really busy. Then, at approx. 10am, I got a text from her saying "Good morning". It was a bit of a relief, but I must admit, I was a little disappointed. And herein is the crux of my real issue in relationships.
See, whenever I send someone an email or text, I have unknowingly assigned certain expectations to that act dictating how I am going to feel if they don't reply at all, if they do and it doesn't meet up to my "standards", if they do and it does, or even if they do and it exceeds my standards. Up to this point, I have done exceptionally well in sending off texts to Deb, and just letting go completely, not worrying about when, or if I get a reply back - or so I thought anyway. Because it is pretty obvious from the way I feel right now that I hadn't completely let go. Now I am having that shortness of breath, that tightening of the chest, and that panicky feeling I always get when I think that I am being 'cast off'.
The thing is, I'm almost certain that is not the case. She sent an email around 1pm and stated exaclty what I had suspected - that she had been really busy, that her daughter forgot a project at home, that she had to rush to get to work on time and that when she got there, she had to jump right in. But she also mentioned something about her boss, something about her telling him when he razzed her about being late "you're luck I got dressed," and some joking references made to the innuendo. Now this isn't the first time she's mentioned her boss, and in fact, she has mentioned their teasing/joking relationship several times. And while I am almost positive it is entirely platonic, given the context of the email and the way I was thinking, it kinda' hit me wrong - made me feel a little icky.
So now I am sitting here, feeling a little ill, having thoughts that this guy is flirting with her constantly, thoughts that maybe I'm not secure enough to deal with a situation like this, thoughts that if I mention something more about this (I said something about it in my reply email) she will get upset or think I am insecure, thoughts that cause a lot of discomfort. And what am I to do with all these thoughts? How do I get back to being happy, content, and relaxed? What do I tell myself to get past this fear and dread of losing someone I haven't even "gotten" yet?
I'll tell you/me how : I remember the fact that I was emailing 2 or 3 other women when I met Debbie, all of whom seemed like they had potential. I remind myself that if telling her how this makes me feel causes her to like me less or not want to be with me, than she's simply not the one for me. I reassure myself that I am a great guy, a great catch, and that I am not the only person in the world who has some insecurity to deal with. Just because I can be a little insecure does not mean I am undateable or unlovable. And it doesn't mean that she is going to want to end things.
Of course, if I go to my passive aggressive ignore her or be quiet now type thing like I have done with other women, that could very well come about. And that is what I am trying to avoid this time : I am trying to calm myself, to tell myself comforting stories, to ease my mind and to breathe - to remember how I have messed things up in the past with other women because of my self-delusions. I am reminding myself to just breathe - just breathe......
Friday, December 10, 2010
Haven't messed up yet! haha
Ok, so that could be seen as a negative title. But, I look at it like this : for once, I am seeing that the person most responsible for all the breakups I have encountered is no one other than me. I used to like to say or think that I truly believed that, but I don't know that I ever accepted at a deep level within myself. Now, as I look back, I can see that more often than not - if not every single time - it was my issues, and not the ladies' that led to the demise of the relationships. So by making the funny statement that I did for the title is a fun way for me to acknowledge that and remind myself that everything is going well - it is for me to "mess up" or not. One would think that this realization would be a given, considering the fact that every breakup I have ever had, with the one exception being my marriage, was initiated by me. D'oh!
Last night, Deb and I got together for the 4th time. We met at one Starbucks, but ended up going to the one on Mill because the first one closed at 7pm. Again, we had a very nice time, and I really enjoyed getting to hold her hand, put my arm around her, and just be closer to her all night. Again, we closed the night with a nice hug/kiss session. But for some reason (my paranoioa maybe?) it seemed to me that she was holding back a little bit, or somewhat hesitant. So I ended up texting her about it this morning, and she said that no one had ever said that before, that she was totally into it, and maybe she was just a bad kisser. I felt really bad about having mentioned it at that point, and texted her back that she was a great kisser - that it wa probably just me being paranoid. She appreciated that, and all was smoothed out.
I look at that incident as being something that could have been a 'mess up' on my part if I had handled it in one of the ways I used to hnadle things like that. Fortunately, I am changing, improving, and more concscious of the fact that I often misinterpret or over-exaggerate events and make big deals out of them - mountains out of molehills type stuff. And so, in this instance, a manifestation of the fear and insecurity that I experienced in the past showed, but I was able to recognize it for what it was, and not run away with it. Yayyy me, yayyy self-improvement, and yayyy God!
One thing became clear last night, and I was a little shocked by the extent of it too I must say : for all intensive purposes, when it comes to sexual subjects, Debbie is a little prudish - and I don't say that in a negative way, as I find it very charming, and ironically, quite sexy! But when I mentioned the "safe word" reference in one of my emails, she immediately got quite uncomfortable. And as I jokingly tried to ease my way into a greater explanation, it was obvious that she was not wanting to hear more about it. I even made some reference to the fact that she had 4 children, so she had to have SOME knowledge of such things, to which she replied that she did not, and in fact did not know much about any - how shall I say, freaky-kinky-unusual sexual practices. I am guessing that, as gorgeous as she is, any man who has ever been blessed enough to have had sex with her has never needed any "add ons" to get where he wanted to go. I am also very curious as to whether or not she has ever had a true, full-on orgasm. Something tells me she may not have. And if that is the case, well - she has a real treat in store, and I will one day be her "man god!" Lol
It definitely will be slow going to get to that point with her, and that is perfect. I am in no hurry to rush there. I am enjoying our dating and just being close to, and getting to know her. I still find it hard to believe she is so beautiful (and she is - rockin' body too, seriously!) yet so humble. She really is like a unicorn, or a 4 leafed clover, or the Holy Grail or something. Man, I am blessed. And whether or not it lasts, I am happy just to have been here, and know that it exists : )
Last night, Deb and I got together for the 4th time. We met at one Starbucks, but ended up going to the one on Mill because the first one closed at 7pm. Again, we had a very nice time, and I really enjoyed getting to hold her hand, put my arm around her, and just be closer to her all night. Again, we closed the night with a nice hug/kiss session. But for some reason (my paranoioa maybe?) it seemed to me that she was holding back a little bit, or somewhat hesitant. So I ended up texting her about it this morning, and she said that no one had ever said that before, that she was totally into it, and maybe she was just a bad kisser. I felt really bad about having mentioned it at that point, and texted her back that she was a great kisser - that it wa probably just me being paranoid. She appreciated that, and all was smoothed out.
I look at that incident as being something that could have been a 'mess up' on my part if I had handled it in one of the ways I used to hnadle things like that. Fortunately, I am changing, improving, and more concscious of the fact that I often misinterpret or over-exaggerate events and make big deals out of them - mountains out of molehills type stuff. And so, in this instance, a manifestation of the fear and insecurity that I experienced in the past showed, but I was able to recognize it for what it was, and not run away with it. Yayyy me, yayyy self-improvement, and yayyy God!
One thing became clear last night, and I was a little shocked by the extent of it too I must say : for all intensive purposes, when it comes to sexual subjects, Debbie is a little prudish - and I don't say that in a negative way, as I find it very charming, and ironically, quite sexy! But when I mentioned the "safe word" reference in one of my emails, she immediately got quite uncomfortable. And as I jokingly tried to ease my way into a greater explanation, it was obvious that she was not wanting to hear more about it. I even made some reference to the fact that she had 4 children, so she had to have SOME knowledge of such things, to which she replied that she did not, and in fact did not know much about any - how shall I say, freaky-kinky-unusual sexual practices. I am guessing that, as gorgeous as she is, any man who has ever been blessed enough to have had sex with her has never needed any "add ons" to get where he wanted to go. I am also very curious as to whether or not she has ever had a true, full-on orgasm. Something tells me she may not have. And if that is the case, well - she has a real treat in store, and I will one day be her "man god!" Lol
It definitely will be slow going to get to that point with her, and that is perfect. I am in no hurry to rush there. I am enjoying our dating and just being close to, and getting to know her. I still find it hard to believe she is so beautiful (and she is - rockin' body too, seriously!) yet so humble. She really is like a unicorn, or a 4 leafed clover, or the Holy Grail or something. Man, I am blessed. And whether or not it lasts, I am happy just to have been here, and know that it exists : )
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