Blah

Not really sure what to title this post, or what it's really going to be about. Debbie and I had a really nice weekend together celebrating the 2nd anniversary of our meeting - went to see a movie and stayed the night at a hotel. Then Sunday night, Debbie noticed that 2 of the fish had died : Nemo, whom she had for like 8 years, and a little one named Oliver that they got like a year ago. Of course she was sad, and I completely understood.

So yesterday morning, I was actually in a pretty good mood... ah, you know what, I don't even feel like writing this. It's just blah blah blah, self-pity bullshit that doesn't really matter. Suffice it to say that I'm feeling down again, and I don't know what to feel all happy about anymore. It seems sometimes like the Universe conspires against my happiness, especially during the holidays it seems, and right now I am just tired of trying to be happy. Seems 'easier' to just be down.

I think part of it too is a bit of a "pre-letdown," knowing that in all likelihood, absolutely nothing is going to happen on Dec 21st  - no apocalypse, no ushering in of some golden age, no 'return of the gods' - not shit. And nothing is ever going to happen. This wonderful, boring-ass, material-oriented illusory world is just going to keep clipping along, and spiritual dreamers like me are just going to keep wishing away (when we're not too depressed to just not give a shit, like today) that something, SOMETHING will happen to wake people up and fundamentally change the nature of our existence.

I have often said that I would rather be dog, and I don't think people who hear me say it (which admittedly, there's probably only my wife and maybe one or 2 more) know just how dead serious I am. I mean, what good is this whole frontal cortex thing, when the only real function seems to be to let me understand clearly just how much different things could, and probably "should" be, and to understand also that I have almost no power to do anything about it, dream and wish and pray as I might. Sure, I can envision all kinds of wonderful stuff (another seeming 'curse' to me), but can I actually make any of it happen?

Now I know there are some who would say "But look at all the wonderful inventions we have! Someone envisioned all those things and brought them into being!" To which I would say "Big fucking deal." Because what have we really gained through all of it? We live longer - yayyy! That's what I want - to spend TWICE as long on this plane, knowing how screwed up and overly-material it is. We can communicate with people all over the world now. Yaayyy! We get to hear even more voices saying "What the...???" and still not be able to do anything about it. We get to hear more theories and concepts about spiritual realities and capabilities that will probably never exist. Fun fun.

So yeah, none of this impresses me. Every night I look into the sky and am taunted by the stars I see, as if they are saying "Ha ha! Your race is so lost and feeble that you will NEVER reach us - you're stuck!" Every day I get to read and see and hear about New Age theories and philosophies that sound SO great - most of which will never be anything more than ink on paper of pixels on a screen. And every day I get to wonder, "Why do I have to be here?" Of course I know that now I need to be here for my wife, my kids, my friends and family. God forbid the guilt and sadness they might fear if I took my life or otherwise checked out early. Some would know how much of a release it would be for me, but I'm sure many would mourn because of their attachment.

And so I linger on, waiting for something that all these people supposedly "prophesied" that probably will never happen. Fortunately, most days I am actually fairly content, able to stay in the 'now' and be grateful. But stoned or sober, on meds or off, married or single, unemployed or working someplace I like, I always come back to this place; this place of wondering "why?" and wishing for a lobotomy so I could just be numb and dumb to all the possibilities of what might be. Maybe I'll get one for Christmas - that way, by next year, I won't care that nothing happened - I won't even be aware that anything was supposed to. I can just smile blankly and go through the motions like a good little human being. Take my mind, please!

Opening up the vault

I have decided to make this blog open to anyone who wants to read it. Until now, it has been like my private diary, accessible only to me. And chances are that opening this up isn't really going to make any difference - I don't actually expect that anyone other than me is going to read this.

I guess opening it up is more of a symbolic gesture than anything. It is my way of saying to the world, "if anyone out there feels, or has felt this way, no need to be ashamed or feel alone - I've felt it too." It always amazes me to go back and read posts like my last one with just how negative and dark they are, especially after coming out of the depression and feeling "normal" again. But while the strong feelings of hopelessness and negativity do fade, and I am once again able to enjoy life, I always maintain that state of readiness for this class to be over - for the bell to ring and for all of us to start running for the exits, laughing and cheering knowing that our recess awaits us.

So yeah, if you have landed here and are reading this, special you are! Whether that special-ness is a blessing or a curse is for you to decide. But I can guarantee that you are in very exclusive company, with a glimpse into the mind of someone who in one moment is loving, joyful, humorous and hopeful, then on a bad day (which fortunately don't come very often), is angry, depressed, hopeless, sad, lost and suicidal. How a person can be both of these things, in equal intensity at different times is a mystery to me. But I know I'm not the only one, and in a selfish way, that is comforting to me. Perhaps you have felt that way too, and you can get some comfort from this. If so, I am grateful. If not, you should be.

Same shit, different day

I just read my last post and thought to myself the very words in the title of this post. It truly is amazing to me that after all the therapy, psychoactive medications, AA meetings and other things I have engaged in to "cure" my depression, it is painfully obvious that much like my addiction, there is no cure - there is only acceptance that it will always be there and management of the disease.

Last night, I completely fucking lost it. I screamed and yelled like I don't think I ever have before; so hard in fact that my throat (vocal chords presumably) was burning in pain. I came home depressed after finding out that, contrary to my belief and against my wishes, Tessi had stayed home from school yet again. I called the office to try to make an appointment to come in and talk to the asst. principal about it, and the attendance lady (who knows me by voice now) told me that the truancy officer had been in earlier and mentioned that he wants to cite Tessi into court for excessive truancies, which could mean time lost from work and a $250 fine for me.

When I got home, I went into the bedroom and assumed the position : laying down, fetal position, wishing myself away. When Debbie got home, she was upset of course. She tries, at least I think she does, to be supportive, but all I really feel from her is anger and disappointment, which just makes things worse. We were supposed to have "date night," and even though I had a pounding headache, I told her I was still committed to that. So I got up and we went to the store to get some stuff for dinner.

After we got home, she started talking about money, and how she wanted to give me $620 for rent, which would leave her basically broke for the week. I told her that she didn't need to do that, and she went on to explain how she feels "guilty," that she think she spends more than she brings in, that she wants to pay her share, and ultimately - what came out in the end, was that she has a very hard time with the fact that I make more than she does. She doesn't want to think that she isn't doing her fair share.

Now if she had gone about this all in a positive, matter-of-fact way, it might not have gone badly. But the fact  is, she seemed very down about it, and we even ended up getting into a small argument about it. I told her that it was silly for her to give me all her money, only to leave herself broke so that I would have to give some back so she would have money for things during the week. She then went into some martyr mode where she said she could just do without, that she didn't want to spend any money on herself, that she didn't need any coffee, blah blah blah. Thing is, I have told her SEVERAL times that it doesn't bug me to help support her and the kids, that it's my pleasure, and that I view the money I make as OURS - not mine. And NEVER have I made any mention of the fact that it's ME who really supports the family - it all comes from her head.

Being completely frustrated, I asked her if she would like me to quit my job and work at Taco Bell so she could make more than me - if that would make her feel better. And in the way that so many women seem to be so good at, she seemed almost incredulous, as if the answer was "yes, that would make me feel better" - knowing that would lower all of our standard of living. Then, in another classic twist, she said, "Well, if it would make YOU feel better, I would support it." ????? At that point, I pretty much gave up, and decided that instead of going on date night, I was going to into bed and end the night.

I told her I didn't feel well and was going to bed. She followed me into the room, we started arguing, and I just BLEW : I was not going to be talked over again. No, I yelled louder than I have ever yelled in my life. And I yelled about Tessi and the fact that she couldn't find it in herself to go to school; I yelled about the fact that I had been abused when I was a kid, yet I still went to work every day; I yelled about the fact that I make too much money for Debbie, and too little for Tessi; I yelled saying that I was going to leave, that everyone would be better if I blew my brains out; I yelled that she could leave and take Tessi, the dog and everyone else with her;  I SCREAMED about everything. And when I was done, I felt like I had expended every amount of energy in my body. Surprisingly, Debbie came up and actually hugged me and said she loved me - the most supportive thing she has done yet. Then, I laid down and went to bed.

When she came into bed, she was distant and seemed pretty much like she didn't want to touch me or me to touch her. I asked her if she would prefer that I didn't touch her, and she said "I didn't say that." Of course she didn't. But her body language sure did. It was a crummy night of sleep, and I woke up this morning extremely tired, wondering if I would even be able to make it to work. Alas, I did, and her I sit writing this. I just called Diana to see if I could make an appointment and fate would have it that the only time she has available this week is tomorrow at 4:30. Thing is, I made an appointment for Tessi to see a counselor tomorrow at 5pm, so that's not going to work for me. I guess this week, I am just going to have to tough it out.

Last night, I wasn't quite as suicidal as I have been in the past (like in my last post), but I sure was wishing for respite. I am just so tired. It seems like I spend my whole life pushing : pushing Tessi to go to school, pushing Debbie to accept the fact that I enjoy providing, pushing Debbie to accept that it's ok for her to join Weight Watchers, that we CAN afford it (that was another point of contention last night), pushing Cooper to stop peeing on the floor; pushing pushing pushign. I just don't want to push anymore. I'm tired.

So again, I offer up my plea for the asteroid to hit; again I beseech God or whoever to end this insanity that is my life, in SOBRIETY no less! Hell, I may as WELL be getting high right now, as unmanageable, erratic and crazy as my life is. I sometimes wonder if being sober is all it's cracked up to be right now.

But I will stay sober. I will stay at work and finish out the day. I will do what I am "supposed" to do, what I am expected to do, if for no other reason than I don't want the guilt of not doing it, and I want to be able to say "See! I'm all screwed up and I still carried on!" Ahhh yes, that good ol' stubborn pride. Nice to know that it's good for something.

But that's not to say that I still don't think about just running away. In fact, last night, that's where my thoughts were instead of suicide - thinking of going away to the mountains and just sitting on a mountaintop and waiting to die, starving myself to death. For some reason, it just sounded like the right thing to do. And who knows - if things keep up, if this cycle keeps going the way it is, with each successive blowup getting worse than the one before, it might not be long til that mountaintop finds me. 

End it already

It's pretty ironic, after reading my last post, that I was/am going to start this one by saying I am ready for the end, the conclusion, the big finale, the checkered flag, the final buzzer, the armageddon, the apocalypse - the end of this life in this time in this body in this place. I'm ready.

And I've been ready for a long time. See, it seems that no matter how good things get, or how wonderful life sometimes looks, it is evident that any happiness or joy will eventually be shattered by some event, person, experience, argument, misunderstanding, smart mouthed child, uncaring employer, emotional spouse, or even just bad mood. It is inevitable that the happiness should be shattered, and that I should end up curled up in bed wishing for the end - for my end.

That's where I was again last night. One would think that after having a beautiful wedding and wonderful honeymoon, after landing a job that I actually like with people who are actually cool to work with/for, that after getting back on a good twice a week meeting schedule and 3 times a week workout schedule, that I would be in a better place than I was before. But that - that is exactly the dynamic, evil  and maddening paradox that I am referring to. Even with all of that supposed "good" stuff, I was right there in bed again last night thinking of all kinds of ways I could get out of this life. Some of the time was spent thinking about actions I could take - blowing my brains out, disemboweling myself 'hari kari' style (seriously), cutting myself, etc. I also spent a fair amount of time thinking about - actually, creatively visualizing and trying to will myself into having a heart attack, or aneurysm, or some other form of medical event that would either kill me or leave me brain dead.

Now I'm sure that to someone who has never suffered from depression - real depression, not the temporary, infrequent bouts some people experience - this sounds absolutely horrible. And if I were to say all of this to my wife or children, I'm sure it would absolutely devastate them, and probably alienate them from me completely. But the simple fact is that I have spent several days of my life laying in bed, curled up in the fetal position, dwelling on thoughts just like this. I have even wondered - in fact I was wondering this morning - how long a person had to think about something like this before it would actually manifest in his/her life. I've always heard the "mind over matter" talk, and about the role our mind can play in healing. Well, what about situations like this? Can't I "think" myself into my own death? Lord knows, I sure have tried.

And I am starting to reach a point again - hell, I've been here for a lot of my life, just had brief respites where I wasn't - where I don't want to "try" to be happy anymore; where I don't want to have to fake it for anyone; where I don't have to pretend that everything is going to get better, and that we (me and Debbie, me and the kids, the American people, whoever) are going to come out smelling like roses. I want to just stand up and say "Life sucks, things are going to get progressively worse, there is no use trying to be happy - we're all just wasting time and fooling ourselves."

That's how I truly think today. The Buddha espoused the 4 Noble Truths, and the first one is that life is suffering. No shit Siddartha. See, the thing the Buddha had going for him was the he had no wife or kids, so he could wander around for years seeking enlightenment without the burden or guilt of having left his wife and kids. But actually, he did have a wife and kids (at least one anyway) back in his life as a prince, and he did leave them behind to go seek enlightenment. So is that what I need to do? Should I just leave the fam behind, and say "I'm off to find myself"? Of course, he had the benefit of being a prince and all, so he knew that in leaving them behind, they would be well taken care of. I don't have that, but I do have the knowledge that Debbie and the girls were living just fine on their own before I came along, and we could easily get them another apartment they could all live in. Tessi could go live with her mom again, or Marshal and Kristina, and Galen already lives with a friend. So I could conceivably do that.

I am seriously considering, more and more, just how that all might work. I can honestly say that I have come INCREDIBLY close to doing some stuff that would pretty much be the death sentence for my life as I now know it, or the future I might have. I feel like it's just a matter of time before, during one of my fits of anger and/or depression, I cross that line from which there is no turning back. I am getting closer and closer to that line, and it is only by the slightest of margins that I have not walked across it yet. But more and more, I'm starting to think that it's inevitable, just like the suffering and depression I feel is.

So I am ready for the end, the big conclusion, the whimper that will be the end of my little, insignificant, God-could-care-less-if-he/she-even-exists life. I'm ready. I would much rather die of some seemingly natural cause, or an accident perhaps. But I think if one doesn't happen soon, it's just a matter of time before I take the reigns and die in some "accident" or something. I don't want to be here anymore. I tired of playing, tired of praying and tired of apologizing. I'm ready for my curtain call - please please please come sooner than later.

Update, June 1st 2012 - meltdown, lack of focus, upcoming wedding

Wow - once again, it has been a long time since my last post to this blog/journal. I have been posting to "The Thought Buffet" recently though. Ok so some quick updates : GCU let me go about 2 weeks after my last post. Ryan, my former boss, gave me the option of resigning, or he was going to fire me. Turns out that being best friends with the boss does have its advantages, so Jay got to stay and I went. I was none too happy about it, felt it was very unfair, and even lodged a formal complaint with the HR dept there. From what Debi (a BA I worked with there) said in an email after I left, there was some reorganization, and Ryan was now under a different director, no longer reporting directly to the CIO. So perhaps I had something to do with that. I'd like to think so.

In other news, I did do all of the things I said I was going to do to get back into fit spiritual condition : started going to meetings every Monday and almost every Friday, bought a nice treadmill and wieght machine for the house and started working out twice a week and went and saw Diana. I have still not been meditating as much as I would like, but I am working on that. Debbie and I have been doing well, although we have had some challenges. My birthday was especially rough, but we made it through. Now, we are only 3 weeks away from the wedding.

Ok, so now I want to get to why I am posting in the first place. Over the last 2 or 3 months, I have been experiencing what I can only describe as a lack of focus spurred on by intense interest in global affairs and events that could have profound spiritual meaning. Basically, I feel a lot like I did back in '93-'94 when the whole "coin-incidence" string of events occured, the main difference being that this time, I am sober. I don't know that the events that I am experiencing now are quite as coincidental as the ones back then, but there has definitely been some synchonicity happening, and my mind has definitely been racing with a strange sense of urgency.

Now as much as I would like to say that I'm sure it has nothing at all to do with the whole 2012 thing, the fact is that I'm sure it probably does. I would be lying to say that at least a little part of me wasn't somewhat curious to see what might happen, and another part of me seems to sense something major coming - or at least that is the sensation I get. I mean, I have always had periods of distraction and burn out when coding, but this seems to be a little different.

And that is a real challenge I have been facing this last month or so - trying to stay focused and on track at work so I can get some stuff done. Fortunately, I guess I am a good enough worker that I can spend quite a bit of time doing "other" things, research and stuff, and still please the person I am working for. That is truly a blessing. I can't help but feel guilty though, like I am getting paid for something and not doing that thing I am getting paid for, which causes me to tell myself that I am being dishonest and fraudulent. And that is a thought and feeling that I don't like to have - not one bit.

So, I have tried, albeit not with a whole lot of effort, to start looking for and being open to different opportunities, like writing positions or something, that might allow me to do something I could actually maintain focus on and give 100 - heck, even 75 % to! I even posted a request on this angel investor site called "Go 4 Funding" to see if I couldn't attract some angel investor to give me enough money to write a book that might be able to get me into a full time writing career. I have been posting short articles to this open "news" site called "before it's news" to see if I can maybe get noticed there. And I attempted, once again, to get in touch with Gaetan Delaforge, only to get a response from the writer of "Mission," Patrick Tilley and begin a brief correspondence with him. Alas, he was not able to lead me to Gaetan, and after about a week, he gave a polite "we're done here," leaving me right where I started. Yep.

And so I sit here, at my contracting job at MAAX Spas, working on their Team Portal web app (or at least trying to) wondering what the heck I am going to do with myself. I ran out of medicine Wednesday and forgot it again yesterday, so I was pretty out of sorts when I got home. When I did, I opened the mailbox to find a letter from the HOA board at the condo, which I am walking away from, saying that they are doing a $2500 assessment, and that the total is due by August 31st. Yeah, nice. Then, I go inside and head to the bedroom to get changed into my workout clothes only to have Emilee knock on the door and tell me that our dog Cooper had just peed on the floor in the workout room - at which point, I came unglued, screamed and yelled at Cooper, put him outside, sprayed him down with the hose, picked him up roughly, rubbed his nose in the pee, and spanked his butt hard. It wasn't pretty, and I was pretty disappointed in myself - that I could get that angry and out of control.

I felt absolutely sick about all of it after I finished, and promptly went into the bedroom, closed the door, got my jammies on and curled up in bed. I'm sure the lack of medication had a lot to do with it, as I was extremely light headed and a little dizzy for most of the afternoon. Adding the letter from the HOA to that condition put me in a prime state for freak out, which Cooper set off completely by peeing on the carpet. I was not pleased with the way I handled it at all, and actually felt very dark, as if I was myself "evil." I layed in bed until Debbie came in at 9 contemplating what had happened, thinking back over my life and how I used to be, wondering who I was/am, who I want to be, and even meditated and prayed some. I think it all helped, as I felt halfway decent before I actually went to sleep, which is no small feat after having blown that big.

Today, I have opened my mind to a belief I used to have back when I was the total "spiritual seeker" and wannabe guru : that I am a spiritual warrior, and my battle is with myself, my lower nature - my anger, pride, lust, envy, greed, sloth. It is a real war for my spirit, and if I don't take it as that, if I let up on my spiritual "exercise" - prayer, meditation, contemplation, etc - then I am opening myself to attack from the 'dark side' of myself, or other powers or presences. Strangely, I have been remembering some thoughts or intuitions I had about this time period, and even weird "self prophecies" about 'deals' I made with God about getting to be here for this, and being prepared and my vehicle being pure and stuff. I know it all sounds weird, and sometimes I don't even know how much of it was real and how much was just drug-induced delusion.

I do know that I am sober now though. And I know that there is some crazy, spooky stuff going on in the world. I know that I am concerned I am not in touch with a god - a personal God, that I can have faith in when the times get tough. I am afraid that in refining my view of God to this impersonal, "Force" like presence, I have lost that protective father figure God I need in times like this. I actually found a post by someone on a website today about this very same thing, and the person said that now, in his 50's, after having gone through the same stages, he is back praying to that personal God. And you know, I just might do that too. I guess at this point, it doesn't matter as much that there is that personal God as it does that I feel that there is, and that someone, something somewhere is listening to my pleas and is going to help me - help all of us get through this time of spiritual darkness.

I know that I am very, very thankful to have a loving, supportive woman in my life, and to know that I don't have to go through any of this alone.  I am thankful that I am not .001% more unfocused than I am so that I CAN continue to work to provide for the family. I am glad that I have my sobriety today, and don't even smoke cigarettes, so I can take comfort in the fact that my physical vehicle is about as pure as it's going to get. And I am thankful for everything else in my life - the kids, the place, the vehicles, the friends - everything. I think as long as I stay in that gratitude, and keep praying and meditating, I might just make it through all of this ok. Or at least as ok as I can be. Hey - they haven't killed me yet! Lol

Gone for awhile, but back again

It has been quite some time since I have really struggled with any real depression, but over the last couple of weeks, I have been feeling that familiar old sensation of being stuck in the quagmire again. Turns out that even though being a business analyst is my dream job, and I really like working at GCU, the personality and behavior of the other BA on our team (Jay) has presented me with some real challenges. And normally, at least considering what 'normal' has been for the last year or two, that wouldn't be a big thing. But it has come to my attention that I have not been paying enough attention to, or spending enough time on my spiritual health, and as a result, I am really feeling the effects.

I have not been meditating at all for at least 3 or 4 months now, and I used to do it twice a day, most every day. I have been going to only one AA meeting a week, on Mondays, when I used to go every Friday as well. And I have not been posting to this blog at all, journaling - I have been telling myself  "I don't feel like doing that" stories. And I had not seen Diana for a one-on-one appt in a long time - I am thinking 2 or 3 months at least. All of this adds up to a recipe for depression for me. Oh, and I forgot another biggie - I have not been working out since moving to Mesa 2 weeks ago. That is HUGE, I know, because my depression really started subsiding when I started working out a couple of years ago.

Well, I took care of one of those things this morning after going home depressed yesterday after a misunderstanding with Debbie, and her suggesting it - that I go see Diana. So I scheduled an appt for 8am this morning. Also, I got online and found a couple of different Friday night AA meetings in Mesa, and I am going to hit one this Friday. As far as meditation, I am going to start doing that again too, even if only for 3 minutes at a time to start. I keep telling myself "I don't want to take the time" stories, thinking it will take too long. So if I start small, I can move up from there. As far as working out, I am considering getting some home gym equipment with income tax instead of another gym membership. There are only 2 gyms conveniently close to where I am living now, and I don't really dig either one too much. Not only that, but because of the time it takes me to commute now, I really don't want to spend that much extra time away from home each night, leaving Tessi alone.

So I have a plan to get back on track, and I am going to do just that. I am not sure how I got so off track (well yeah, I kinda' am - the move was a big part of it, but not all), but that is not as important as getting back on track. I just need to do it. And I am - starting today, with this post. My frame of mind has been hard on my relationship with Debbie too, and with the wedding coming in June, I want to be in as good a place as possible - not all twisted up in depression.

I am grateful for all the tools and gifts I have been given. I am grateful to be alive and sober. And I am grateful to be humble enough to admit that I need some help and willing enough to do what I can to get that help - some from others, and a whole lot from my Higher Power. Thanks to that HP and all those in my life who love and support me. Thanks to those who challenge me as well. And thanks to my self - that thing I call "me" that has persevered through this life, risen to many challenges, and been willing to improve, and work for that improvement time and time again. Here we go again - but this time, we're going up again.

Update - 2012, my new position, a new place, and Tessi back home

It seems almost humorously redundant to say, once again, "Wow - it has been a LONG time since my last post!" Ha ha. But indeed, it has. And this time, because I have been enjoying life, and in particular my new job, so much. I am really loving being a BA and especially at this company, in this dept. Everyone (with the exception of the other BA, Jay) is very nice to work with, and I have encountered nothing but positive vibes (except from Jay - recurring theme here...? Lol).

About that thing with Jay - it boils down to the simple fact that he and I are basically polar opposites : I am patient, somewhat reserved, and business professional when it comes to meetings. He is impulsive, rather loud, and tends to interrupt a lot and take over meetings when he is in them. It led to a bit of an impasse last week when he talked over me at a meeting we attended - one which he was not even the presenter of - and without pouting or explicitly sating it, I let him know that I didn't appreciate it. Our boss Ryan (who is WAAAYYYY cool - one of the nicer people I have ever met, and got me a Cardinals hat for Christmas after knowing me for only 2 weeks) has even spoken to me, and him, about it. Fortunately, he sees it as it is - 2 different personalities interacting, and doesn't worry too much about it. Jay, on the other hand, seems to be incredibly sensitive, and I wonder if he isn't threatened by me a little bit. Fortunately, I am very comfortable in who and what I am, and because we are peers - he's not my boss - it really doesn't have any major impact.

Oh, did I mention I LOVE being a BA??? I was actually looking over some documents on my laptop and found a resume from 2008 that I had targeted for a BA position. I didn't realize it had been that long that I had been wanting to make this transition. I knew it had been a while. So it's no wonder that I am so happy. And what makes it even sweeter is that I am finally getting some real experience in the field, experience that I can put on a resume' so that if (and I hope it doesn't happen for a LONG time, if ever) I ended up leaving GCU, I could apply for another BA position instead of going back into development. And it seems like I have a real knack for it. I got a great 30 day review last week, and my customers (and the Devs, thank goodness) seem to like me a lot so far.

In other news, I finally decided to let the condo go and moved to a house in Mesa. It's a 4 bedroom with a 2 car garage, nice, big back yard, lots of room on the inside, and only about 100 yards away from a park. I (eventually we) are just renting it, but I like it so much, I am hoping we can stay for a long time. It's only about a mile away from where Debbie lives currently, so we have been seeing a lot more of each other, and that has been awesome. Oh, HOW could I forget - it has a WASHER AND DRYER - YESSSSSS! No more going to laundromats, and I have been LOVING that!

And, about 3 weeks ago, Tess called and said her mom wanted her to come back to live with me. I guess some shady situation went down (imagine that) where her mom and Ken went to someone's house along with all the kids, and let some 'guys' borrow their vehicle. Well, the guys were gone all day (were only supposed to be gone for a little while), and when they finally got back, Tessi said something like "It's about time - sheez!" Well, her mom and Ken didn't liker her 'embarassing' them, so they asked her to leave - which I was actually happy about, as I was not liking the way everything I bought her was disappearing, not to mention all the unsavory activities that happened over there. I am glad she is home and have been enjoying having her around.

So life is good - better than I could ever have imagined. And I am SO incredibly grateful to God, the Universe, and all that is. I am truly blessed, and if the world really ends this year, well, then at least I got to experience true heaven on earth before it does : )